Nuggets

[Wonka]

Tad,

Sending you a bat signal....come on over. What's up with you lately?

[tadpole1025]

Hey Wonka.

Thanks for checking in.

I'll ramble...Not sure how much sense I'm going to make since I really don't even know how I feel.

There isn't much going on with me. Actually there is NOTHING going on with me.

I'm still talking to my female friend at work. Actually, she seems a little friendlier lately. Not sure what that means.

I just can't seem to get moving. A friend of mine at work has offered to go out and have some fun. I've turned him down 2 weeks in a row. The funny thing is, I'm not even sure why. It's like I KNOW I need to get out of the house and I KNOW I need to get out and do things, but I can't or WON'T. It's kind of like I see no point in it. Or, it is fear.

The last time I posted here, I was sort of accused of "looking for reasons" to not do this or that. I'm not looking for reasons. I'm really not.

I'm just.....I don't know.

In a bad spot.

I've spent the last 3 weeks watching my little rattie get weaker and weaker. I think she has lost most, if not all of her eyesight. She has been extra clingy towards me and will hold on as tight as she can when it is time to put her in the cage. All she wants is to be with me. It breaks my heart. I hate leaving her when I go to work. I try to spend as much time as I can with her because I know she will probably be dying soon. Wish I wouldn't get so upset about her, but I can't help it. I know it is normal to be upset when a pet is getting ready to pass, but the feelings that I have do not feel normal. She's made it much longer than I thought she would. Seems like EVERYTHING I hold near and dear has been taken away from me. Even as a kid...I've spent my entire life getting attached to things/people only to have them taken away. I mean, it has ALWAYS been like that for me. I won't go into details here, but I believe I posted details of my childhood in an earlier thread. Having things taken from me started very early.

I want to start living life. I want the pain of everything to just stop. I almost feel like I am 9-10 years old again:

A small, weak, timid, confidence lacking little boy....a boy who would rather stay in than go out to play. A boy who would rather listen to a conversation than be a part of it.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm just different. Different in a way that I can't even explain. I'm not even sure if it is a bad different or a good different.

I was doing pretty well I think until about December/January.

There is so much that I want to do or see, but I just can't swing it. I don't have much money, but I have a little. I just want...

Told you I'd ramble.

I have given up soda and have actually lost 10 pounds. I plan to join the gym when my rattie passes. I've also quit smoking. I haven't had one since December 31st but....sometimes ask myself "whats the point?" I should just continue smoking anyways. If it shortens my life by a decade or two, who cares? Seriously?

I need friends. I need friends outside of work. I need people I can do things with and talk to. With the exception of my boys, I have absolutely NOBODY and I don't want to burden them.

Speaking of my sons:

S22 quit his job. Ug......just more garbage to add to the plate.

I wish they could all just get their lives together so I can get mine together. I hate feeling like this, but sometimes I feel like they are holding me back. I just can't do it any longer.

S22's band has a show coming up on April 7th. XW will not be there this time because OM is having a "medical procedure" performed. Whatever the Hell that means.

I have a great job, (want to have) my own place, get 3 days off a week.....and that's it.

No friends
No activities
No hobbies
No family

Nothing....

There were many times when I was married and on the radio that XW and I both wished that I could just have an ordinary job/life. Now, I'm ordinary. Too ordinary.

Sometimes I really do wish I could just go to sleep and leave the world and everyone behind.

I know deep inside of me
There's a place but it's not plain to see
Where I belong, where no one else can be

And I'm searching for myself again
And when I'm all alone is when
I close my eyes, and no one else can see

I have no social interaction with anybody outside of my job. I see these people 4 days a week and then go home and....

Nothing.

Just like it was when I was a kid.

When I was a kid:

I never talked unless spoken to.

I always felt inferior.

I never participated in extra activities.

I wasn't popular unless....I was getting picked on.

After school, I went straight home and went right back into my world.

And that's how I feel now. I feel like I belong in my little world, but not in anybody else's. And....I'm too afraid to let anyone in mine.

I am afraid. I am afraid of everything....

That is why I've seriously considered becoming a monk or just walking the earth until I find my place or die looking.

Sorry you asked Wonka?



I feel like I don't belong.
I feel like I've already lived my life or like the best is behind me.
I feel like I'm in a fog.
I feel like I'm watching a movie and it's really not me playing the lead role.
I feel like that this was all some master plan, but I wasn't involved in the planning process.
I feel like I've already lived through the best part...

As I've said, I'm just so very tired...So tired.

I've been wanting to visit the beach, but....that just reminds me of being young and in love. I lived near the ocean when I met XW.

I want to get in the car and drive until I run out of gas...then don't come back. I'd like to move somewhere that I've never been and just take it from there. The only thing is, it would mean leaving my sons behind and that would pretty much put an end to ANY family that I have....

I kind of feel like an outsider in my own life: like I don't belong or like I'm the new kid that nobody wants to talk to or get to know.

I just don't know how much I have left....just so emotionally/mentally and even physically drained.

I sometimes look back on my marriage and wonder if XW was really the way she is now and maybe I was just too stupid/blind to see it. I know everyone preaches that there was nothing I could have done, but sometimes I wonder. I still sometimes say to myself that "there is no way that the XW I knew could have done what she did."

My grandmother always taught me to do the right thing. And I can honestly say that I've done pretty well with that. There isn't a mean bone in my body, I've always been nice, I've always been the nice guy that could be counted on and always treated people the way that I wanted to be treated. And....this is what I get.

Hell, even the day that XW MOVED OUT, I was told by her:

"I LOVE YOU."

"YOU'LL MAKE SOMEONE REALLY HAPPY SOMEDAY."

"YOU'RE ONE OF THE GOOD ONES."

That was the day she moved out!

....and here I am. Still here with no sense of self. I have absolutely no idea who I am or what I want. I seem to have lost my identity somewhere along the way. Which is why I should probably become a monk or just crawl into a cave somewhere.

It's funny/ironic in a way. My spouse went through an identity crisis and here I am with no identity.

Seriously Wonka, I really don't know how I'm doing. Something has changed in me in the last couple of months.

There is so much I want to say, but can't find the words.

Anyways, thanks for the bat signal. I'm here, but not sure where HERE is....

Tad

[MrBond]

TAD!

3 words...

GET PROFESSIONAL HELP

We all have seen you spiraling into clinical depression and yet you don't seek help, yet you complain that you feel the way you do and don't know why. It's been going over and over and over again.

You've heard everyone tell you to get help, that you're worth it, blah blah blah. But the thing is that if you don't believe it yourself, then you're not going to believe us. In fact, your "what's the point" attitude is a big f*ck you to all of us.

That's what it seems like to me. You want to be sad for yourself, go ahead. Then go and tell your story to a kid with terminal cancer or someone who was born without limbs. The only way you're going to start getting better is by doing something.

Which is something you don't care to do.

[MrBond]

By the way, it's MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS WEEK.

I think that's a sign for you. I recently read this on a blog about it...
"Depression, anxiety and panic attacks are NOT a sign of weakness. They are signs of having tried to remain strong for too long. Did you know that 1 in 3 of us go through this at some point in our lives? You are not alone.."

[Wonka]

Tad,

I am so sorry that you are really struggling emotionally at this stage.

Fer God's sake, you've got to FORCE yourself to get out of the house. Heck, people have offered a get-together to you twice and you've turned down. Not good.

There are many things you can do for free and gets you out of the house:

1) Volunteer at the local hospital and read stories to ill children. One poster posted not too long ago that he volunteers at the maternity ward to just hold the babies because they need someone to rotate to hold the babies
2) Volunteer at the local animal shelter (you can help cleaning out and changing their bowls, etc)
3) Join a hiking club through Meet-Up

Your sons are not holding you back. You are holding YOURSELF back.

Stop being so afraid of the world. There are TONS of good people out there. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.

[uRworthy]

Hey Tad. Sorry you are feeling the way you are.

I went through a deep, debilitating depression. I have felt as you do now. The despair, the unworthiness, the feeling as if you will never climb out of it. I was curled into a ball on the floor at one point.

I know you feel as if you just dont have the strength to do what you need to do. I wish I could tell you that there is an easy fix, but, I cant.

Honestly, you need help to get through this. Thats the simple fact. I went through 4 therapists before I found the one who helped to change my life. And I thank God for her everyday.

But the thing is that I had to want it, Tad. The truth is, I didnt at first. I mean, I knew that I couldnt go on living the way I was. I had a son who loved me and was watching me. What was I showing him? I was in charge of teaching him how to navigate through life's tough stuff. I had to figure out how to teach him well.

So, with that as a goal, I began to fake it. I mean, that's the honest truth. I pushed myself to do one thing differently. Just one thing.

Sometimes it was taking a different route home. Sometimes trying a different store. I smiled at people more.

I found my therapist. I tried different medications. I know that's not for everyone. I resisted them for a long time. But they helped me at the time.

I continued pushing through. I started to slay the dragons of my childhood.

Through hard work, determination and sheer will, and with my boy as my catalyst, I noticed a shift.

The more I smiled at people, the more they smiled back. I started to try more new things. I saw that people liked to be around me.

I realized that my mother and my xh were wrong. I was worthy. I was enough.

It was a long, tough journey, Tad. But my son was worth it...and so was I.

I dont think you want to feel the way you do. I think you just dont have the strength to fight.

But here's the thing. You have gotten through some really tough stuff in your life.

YOu have four wonderful boys, a job you like, your health. That is way more than most.

One day you may be a grandfather. Tomorrow you may meet someone who changes your life.

Still a lot of life left to live. Still a lot of good stuff that can happen.

But you have to be willing to do the work. It wont be easy. But, man, what it can bring.

Do one thing differently, Tad. Push yourself to do it. Then do another.

Smile more even when you dont feel like it. Go somewhere..anywhere..even if you dont want to. Keep trying therapists til you find the right one.

Show your sons how to get through life. They are watching, Tad. You know that.

As far as your past..you know your truth. Dont allow anyone to take that away from you.

[LoisB]

That's what keeps me pressing onwards...my kids.

Chances are...if I have a history of chronic depression, my mother has a history of chronic depression, both grandmothers have a history of chronic depression and...we all know Smokey suffers from chronic depression...well, then, my kids will likely struggle with chronic depression.

I want to have the answer for them if it strikes them. I want to, at least, have found the path outta hell if they find themselves there. If I have the tools, then, God willing, they will be able to lead long, productive lives.

Look at your depression as a stranger or observer. Is it cyclical? What are your triggers? Sun exposure is a biggie for me? I also get stuck when I feel rejected or a series of disappointments. I sorta snap into default where I remember and re-experience past disappointments and rejection.

Tad, you know yourself better than anyone. But, don't buy into the negative depression talk in your head. Some brains are great at deepening a depression...I happen to have one of those. Push those thoughts away and figure out what makes the depression lift. You did seem better when you saw the therapist.

And, maybe the rats need to go. Why have you chosen a pet with such a short lifespan? Why put yourself through that type of grief?

NOT JUDGING, just wondering. Look at your life as an observer.

[Mighty]

Hi Tad. I'm sorry to hear things are difficult now. I want you to know that I understand. It was not too long ago that I felt very similarly to you. It is rough. For me, it was easier to just.... be that way. I didn't care so much that I did. But I knew deep down that I didn't want it to last.

Suggestions to do certain things were like hearing nails on a chalkboard. But, one thing I knew for certain was that I needed to see prof help. I stopped my ic in Nov, and had an appt with a new one, but there was a long waiting period between. I didn't get in until last week. I felt so much better. It was only a step, but it did help. I will be going regularly. Other things have helped, but I can feel myself back on the upswing. You can too, Tad. Make it simple... here I go... I'm about to make suggestions! Start small. Go for a walk. Every day. Get out... even if just for a little bit. Go out for coffee. Take a book or write. Bring a laptop. Post here. Do something while you are there. Just for a little bit. Maybe make it a once a week thing. Go to the library. When you go to these places, don't look down. Make eye contact. Say hello to people as you walk through the door together. It seems silly, but just simple human connection helps acclimate yourself back into.... life.

Tad, I didn't go grocery shopping for over a month. I have two teenagers. And they have friends over. I would send my son. Whenever I was going to go do something, I found a reason to talk myself out of it. This is not my personality at all!!! I am very talkative. Very outgoing. Always talked to EVERYONE! As a kid, I was very popular. My friends would say, you are friends with everyone! I knew people of all ages. I was always laughing and having fun. I was voted the funniest in my class. That is just me. So, to get to that place... it is hard. I guess my point is... it doesn't matter what we were as kids. We need to live for today. We need to work it out. You can do this, Tad.

My friends at work were talking to me about meeting someone. I thought about it and I knew that at the time, I didn't have anything to offer anyone. I knew I could. But that I couldn't access it. It seems like being with someone would make me feel better. But, I couldn't count on them to do that for me. That's not fair to them or me. I want to bring something to the table first. I want a healthy and happy r. In order for that to happen, I have to be healthy and happy myself.

So, I'm working on me. I have taken steps, and with everyone- it gets a little easier. Spring time is helping for sure. I have forced myself to do things. And, I have always been glad that I did afterword. Every time.

So, Tad, make an appointment first to see a prof. You have nothing to lose by doing that- and everything to gain. It is a long process... but one worth taking.

Then, start small, Tad. Let me know what you are doing. Take a walk by tomorrow, ok? If not that- something. Let me know what you decided. I'm going to check in.

As far as your s? Maybe he is watching you to see what you are going to do. Don't wait for him to make the move first. He is looking to you. Show him how its done. Even when the going gets tough. Push through, Tad. It's much better on the other side. I know it is hard to see. I also know that it is hard to care. But, I know you still do. There is a little flame in there... c'mon! The first step is the hardest. You can do this! We are behind you.

[sunshinelewis]

Tad be thankful u have your sons in your life my son hasn't spoken to me in almost a year now. It's such a Blessing to have what u have, esp your children.
You have to learn to be happy with just you and then go from there.
Let go of your childhood, a lot of us have been there. I was abused.
Let it go!,!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are free to do whatever u choose! Enjoy this time to yourself.
I don't see u as shy. You were in radio. Find that guy again. Do something on the side with some of your old radio friends.

Being alone don't scare me anymore. Not having my son in my life does.
We all have problems Tad.

[Georgiabelle]

Tad,

You have received stellar advice. There is nothing wrong with needing a little help. Life is short even though we *never* really believe that.

Everyone has caca. You are going around one time on this planet in this form. Make the best of it.