Life after D - 01 - going from dark to light

[gogofo]

Had a good weekend and GAL with house and kids and friends and watching a little college basketball. This was the weekend that I know the XW and OM were out of town together, alone or for work it didn't really matter because I know they had dinner plans and theater tickets. I feared this weekend about a month ago, but when I came I noticed I didn't even think about it until Saturday night while laying in bed and even then I was able to put it out of my mind and fall asleep.

Little by little I am getting better.

Today I had an interesting interaction with the XW during and after our kid's first swim lesson.

Lately I have been treating her like a wayward wife, especially after reading Sandi's excellent thread about it. I truly believe this is who she is right now, even though we are D. So I have been less than warm to her, not really paying much attention to her or engaging in much of a conversation with her or starting any.

The last time I saw her for an extended amount of time was Sunday the 8th. I was loading stuff up and she kind of milled around; I think she was waiting for me to have some small talk with her.

During swim lessons she sat next to me and asked me a couple of questions and I talked a little with her but just kept my focus on my kids and didn't engage too much.

When it was over she asked if I wanted to go to dinner with them. I told her no thank you and went and got our oldest's backpack out of my truck and walked over and kiss and hugged the boys. She asked again "you don't want to go do dinner?" I said no, I have things to do. So she replied "Is this how this is going to be? You all stand offish?" I said I didn't know, I am just trying to wrap my head around this whole thing.

She seemed upset.

A part of me did want to go and a bigger part did not want to go. I wanted to because it would be enjoyable and fun and I love my boys.

I did not want to go because I am still upset with my XW and I also don't think my heart can take playing family by having dinner together. I am much too fragile and think I would take it as a sign that things may change and she still would have feelings for me.

To be honest I also feel that she wanted a D and this means we are no longer a family. I don't want to act like a family after she wanted to D. I feel like she would be doing some cake eating as I provided those wonderful family times together even though we are D.

This is the first invite like this I have turned down since BD in January of 2014.

So am I being a cold hearted bastard by being coldish to her and not being talkative with her? I assume this is just spew as she may have assumed that we could have fun family times together and our R would move from a loving married couple to a happy friendly divorced couple.

I don't want to be her friend. I am being friendly with her, but I do not think I can be her friend.

I am sure she will confront me on this at some point and my instinct is to tell her the truth. I would say "My heart is too fragile right now to be your friend, it would give me false hope that you would want a relationship with me. I need to protect myself from feeling this way."

I need some perspective on this from any and all.

[sandi2]

When it was over she asked if I wanted to go to dinner with them. I told her no thank you and went and got our oldest's backpack out of my truck and walked over and kiss and hugged the boys. She asked again "you don't want to go do dinner?" I said no, I have things to do. So she replied "Is this how this is going to be? You all stand offish?" I said I didn't know, I am just trying to wrap my head around this whole thing.

I wished you would have answered with, "Yep, pretty much!"

Isn't it the craziest thing you've ever seen? Yes, she wanted to be single to do her own thing, but gee, she didn't know she would have to give up her H in the deal!

Don't you dare let her words get you to second guessing. You are doing better, and you do not have to do one thing for her. You are D now, so please don't become a prisoner to her again. You owe her nothing. This is the price of divorce.

And BTW, she will continue to try to guilt you every chance she can, b/c it served her well during the M. The only way to stop it is to show it has no effective power over you.

[gogofo]

I wished you would have answered with, "Yep, pretty much!"

Me too, I am just not that person. My detachment has been slow, but it has been coming.

When I get a text message or phone call from her I still get a tingle or chill through my body. I have been a little "off" today in regards to my feelings towards her. I will see her this afternoon as she now has decided that she can pick the kids up after school. This action has had me wondering why she is doing it now, but I keep reminding myself it is not my issue or my business.

Unfortunately last night I had some worries about if I had upset her or not. But the feelings were nowhere as strong as they were a couple of weeks ago. It would bounce in and out of my mind, but it did not wear on me.

I doubt I owe her any sort of explanation, but if she asks why I am cold I may simply reply that I am protecting myself and my feelings.

Sometimes I think my honesty is not the appropriate response, but in this instance I don't know.

[sandi2]

I doubt I owe her any sort of explanation, but if she asks why I am cold I may simply reply that I am protecting myself and my feelings.

Are you sure that's what you want to say? I mean, that is what you are doing, but do you want to say it?

[gogofo]

I don't know if that is what I want to say. I really don't know what to say, but I know if I get caught off guard that I will say something similar to that.

I assume I need to do some "fake it until I make it" with my attitude. I need to be more from the stance of she lost the best guy in her life and now I am out there to make someone else's life better. I don't want to be the sad sack divorced husband.

BTW I am feeling a lot better and stronger as time goes by and I do believe the W that I just D'd was not the woman I married or want to be married to. I was working towards being a VERY good husband in our M and she lost that in her life.

Maybe saying something like "I am just moving on from our marriage" would be more appropriate and represent the attitude I am working towards. I don't want her to feel she has any power or control over me and now that I look back at my previous statement it would indicate that she still has power over me.

[Mozza]

In my sitch, when my WAW asked me why I didn't want to meet for lunch, I replied. "You've chosen to leave and now I need to take the steps to move on." I seem to recall that it got a good endorsement from the vets.

Had a rough afternoon child exchange today. When I went to get the boys my oldest started to cry uncontrollably and kept repeating "I want mommy". When he started into it my XW thought he was just being difficult and gave him a time out. He kept sobbing all through it and I tried to console him. He just kept repeating it over and over again at a loud volume while crying really hard.

(...)

Wow was I mad at her. I still am right now. I just feel like "see what you have done to our kids and our family! I hope you feel this is worth it to have our son feel this way!" I know, blaming blah blah blah. But I am really upset.

This has been bothering me since you posted it last week. I feel like you've used your kids' pain to get at your WAW. You might say that it's not your fault, but you confess that a part of you was glad to show her the pain she's causing. I know the feeling because I'm slightly upset that my kids take the S in strides as if it's a fun thing.

It is possible that neither of you had the tools to calm your S3, so let me share some life-changing advice that I read in a parenting book and (The Happiest Toddler on the Block, perhaps?) that I use in such situations.

When a child expresses a need, repeat it back to him.

Do not jump to the answer because kids do not make the same logical jump as us. If you say no, they think it means you haven't understood their need, so they repeat it. When you repeat it to them though, they know they have been understood, that you're on it. Example:

- Daddy, I'm thirsty, I want water!
- Yes, you're thirsty and you want water. You're thirsty. I'll give you water when we get home because I don't have any here.

This is as close to an Off button as you'll ever find on a child. I know it works better than anything else with my two daughters. It has become second nature for me. Repeat it several times if need be. Look them in the eyes if you can. The adult solution, which is to provide an answer, is not working especially not during a crisis. "Everything's gonna be ok" and "You will see mommy tomorrow" does not address their immediate need, nor does it given them the impression that you're trying to help them because they think you haven't understood them.

This is a communication technique that is taught in many circumstances, beyond toddlers. On these boards, it's called validation. My pharmacist friends uses it with his patients, by repeating their symptoms to them to build trust before suggesting a treatment.

I get very touchy when people give me parenting advice, and I don't mean to criticize you, but to give you tools that have been life-savers for me.

[gogofo]

Thanks Mozza, I actual used a similar approach with my son. I listened and validated and repeated what he was saying and that he wanted his mom. I probably jump to the answer too soon about why he can't stay there etc.

I read a good parenting book, not the one you said, but I cannot remember what it was called. I read it during my S last year and it really helped me become a better father by changing my interactions with my kids. I remember one of the main themes being "let your child know that you are listening to them and that they are heard."

[gogofo]

Had an off day a little bit today. Last night I had a dream about laying down boundaries to my XW. Must have been because I was thinking about and wrote a post about my M in the wayward wife thread.

I was brilliant in my dream. I was emotional detached, laid out boundaries about what it would take to come back, and told her things are not as simple as they were before. I guess some of these DB principles are sinking in if I am using them in my dreams.

After the dream I just felt off and a little sensitive all day. Not really thinking about my situation all day but certain things were setting me off. I would get a wave of emotion hitting me.

Tonight the boys and I watched an episode of Dr. Who and it was an emotionally heavy one. The episode ended with him leaving a woman he loved, erasing the great memories he had with another girl and leaving alone standing in the rain. He left without a companion, sad but knowing he would go on and be okay.

This was quite a metaphor for my current situation. Leaving a woman I love, remembering our great times even though she doesn't, and having to move on; even though I am sad about it, I know I will be okay. I was crying because of the tv show and my situation. The melodrama was working the way it was designed to work, I definitely was empathic with the Doctor.

So just an emotional day for me, but not sad or depressing, just emotional. I find strength and comfort in the fact that even in my dream last night I was not jumping back into a R with the XW.

[gogofo]

Been about a week since I have updated my situation.

Things have been pretty steady the last week. After the rough day I had on the 19th I have felt better. I had the kids last weekend again and we had lots of fun. They are definitely the light of my life.

On Sunday I felt a little weird when getting ready for the kid exchange. I was a little anxious and didn't say too much to the XW or chat her up. I think I asked one question about the concert and said "good", grabbed some of my cook books and left.

I have been keeping the interactions shot and have not been acting like her friend.

Monday I went and watched the kids at swim lessons which was very fun. I took them swimming last Friday and it was awesome. The youngest is getting more and more brave about getting all the way under water.

I have noticed the XW doing some different things when trying to interact with me. This morning she called me to tell me that a set of copper pans that we had together were on sale. I found this weird and random and would not have answered the phone but I thought it was about the kids as she had only been calling before when it was about them.

I find myself looking around and thinking more about dating or flirting or talking to women. When DBing before I would notice cute girls but never think about engaging them as I still felt married. Now I am wanting to get back in the saddle and see what it out there.

I don't know if it is healthy or not right now to do it though. I know I miss the feeling of being in love or the companionship of a woman and I also miss being physical. There are a couple things that I don't want and that is a new W. I am not looking at starting a serious R with anyone, but getting out and dating and being friendly with someone would feel good.

[Tarheel]

I am not looking at starting a serious R with anyone, but getting out and dating and being friendly with someone would feel good.

YES! Get out there and meet new people. You don't have to start a R with the 1st woman you talk to...