Should i expose the affair, or?

[mvgfwd2]

Also keep in mind that her family and friends may actually encourage her to end things with you. That is what my wife was hearing from her friends and family (they had their own agendas for this). You have to be mindful of who you discuss this with.

[Swabby]

No, i'm VERY close with all of them, and guaranteed they're going to be shell shocked when they find out. I was never a bad husband, never abusive, always trying to provide as much as i could for my wife and family. Her family is as close, or closer than my own. Same goes for our friends, we've all been through many things, and if they do decide to pick sides, then those wouldn't be the people i'd want to surround myself with anyway.

I'm not going to broadcast it out to the world, but i will choose a select few to confide in to help the healing process, especially with the ongoing A.

[MrBond]

"I was never a bad husband, never abusive, always trying to provide as much as i could for my wife and family."

That's not entirely true. In fact, you wrote in your very first post about how she wanted more attention from you but you used your work as an excuse as to why you couldn't. Bottom line is that you chose your work over your W. I get it that you were the primary breadwinner, but there could have been some give and take.

In fact, you wrote ... "my work required me to travel 3-4 days a week for close to 6 months, and my wife, who wasn't working at all anymore, was going through post partum. I was so focused on doing well with my job, when we did talk, it turned into the blame game. Me for not being there for her, and her for not understanding as the sole bread winner that i had to travel to keep my job."

A woman with post partum is a BIG thing. It was you more not understanding her than her not understanding you. Remember, there are some women who can go into such a deep depression that they actually harm their kids.

In fact, you were EXTREMELY lucky that your W told you over and over again that she was lonely but you didnt' understand. Many people here have had their WAS just leave with no explanation. Yours did. You wrote ... "Over those 7 years, on multiple occasions, my wife would pull me aside, and express her loneliness. At first by telling me how she felt, but then each subsequent time, blaming me for not paying attention to her, and that our marriage was a bad one, and i was a bad husband to her. This would eventually lead to making up, and some effort to spend more time together,"

The problem was that you were EXPECTING her to reward you for something that should have been natural. "but the small things i did weren't ever really noticed, as for her it was an all or nothing scenario. "how can i focus on the small things when our marriage is so bad", etc...."

Going over your history, she was right.

"I never checked out intentionally, as i love my wife dearly, but i admit now that i often didn't try because of her temper and anger towards me,"

But it didn't sound like you ever solved the root of her anger and resentment.

"along with never getting any positive re-inforcement for the things i did try to change or do."

Nor should you expect positive re-enforcement. You either do it because you want to or you don't. In an ideal relationship, there's a perfect give and take. In real life, that VERY rarely exists.

"I only went to bed WITH her, maybe once or twice a month at most, often working, or doing other things until 1-2am before crawling into bed with her. "

Both of you never did resolve your issues and I'm not sure you entirely learned how to resolve your side of things.

I may have missed it, but did you ever learn about how to make a M successful and communicate correctly in a M instead of concentrating solely on your W's EA?

It just seems that the more you concentrate and fixate on your W's A, it's piling onto the resentment you already had for her before all this started.

[Complex]

Also think about that if you ever reconcile with your W it will be much harder if, especially on your side of family and friends, the picture everyone has of her is completely destroyed through exposure. It will make the step towards reconciliation and the reconciliation itself much more uncomfortable for your W, which is absolutely not beneficial for you and your M.
Always know what you really WANT, then weigh if the actions you are taking are BENEFICIAL or counterproductive!
Makes sense?

In my opinion it makes sense to always talk about your W very respectful. You don't have to agree on what she's doing, but you can still love her for who she is and think in high terms of her. It's counterproductive to make her look very bad. Think about it from the psychological side, how would you feel?

[Sotto]

I wouldn't consider exposure. These things have a way of becoming known to people over time. My H's parents didn't know about his A for a few months, but they do now. And I'm glad I wasn't the one to tell them.

I think patience is the key here. You don't need to be the one to drop the nuclear bomb - time will do it's work.

Try and take your focus off more off the A and put it more on to moving forwards yourself..

[Swabby]

MrBond:

You are totally correct. The A has made it very hard, as i found out right in the middle of intense self work, and it just keeps creeping in to trip me up.

I mean abusive in a physical, get out the marriage now.

Neglectful, yes, i was VERY neglectful, and just burrowed deeper into work and myself as she became verbal with me. It was definitely a vicious groundhog day cycle, and at least that portion of it has not been repeating, although the underlying issues she's still very much holding onto like a war medal. Its her justification for everything right now, and i accept that, as its something that is directly related to actions and emotions i caused.

She was very open with me about her emotions, but you'd have to understand how. It was always a cycle of railing into me for all the things i did wrong first, then the feelings would come in, then a few more insults to my manhood, husbandry, etc. It was a sprinkling back and forth of this in every conversation.

I don't want that for my life anymore, of that i'm sure, and while i still love my wife, i don't ever desire that kind of a relationship again, one where i mentally checked out so much, or one where i felt belittled.

It wasn't that i was expecting rewards, but when someone tells you you NEVER do something, or that you never try, its hard to not focus on the things you felt you DID do to make things better. While i do agree with you, that a healthy relationship is a good balance of give and take, i think everyone still likes to hear their hard work is appreciated, whether for their family, relationship, or providing at work or at home. I know i could've definitely been more proactive, as many men could/should about the work it takes to run a house of kids.

How can one ever hope to focus on the problems of the marriage itself, when 2-5x daily, the OM calls, or she calls him? Suddenly its not about the marriage anymore, but about tying it off so she can proceed without feeling tied down.

As a wrap up of sorts, i did actually write a letter to her this morning, and sent it. I'm in NZ for another 10 days, so in person wasn't going to fly.

I told her in no uncertain words that she is free to move forward, that i wasn't going to hold her back from being happy, and in fact wanted to give her the divorce she so desperately wants so she can be free and happy. I told her that I don't agree with the divorce, but didn't want to stand in the way of her needing to leave the marriage and be happy either, so i would sign papers once they're drafted up in a few weeks.

She's expecting me to become nasty, and i know a huge part of that is the continued contact with the OM, but i'm not. I did tell her i will be civil, and there for my children, and would never bash her, or talk bad about her, to friends, family, and especially not my children.

I can't stop her from having the A, but everyone here is right in that i can choose to cut ties with the behavior and not be a part of it any longer.

We're in a lease until August, and neither of us can afford to move out right now, so i have to deal with being in a house, even if in different rooms where the A is still quite prevalent and in my face. I know i just need to look past it, but i also know most here knows how hard that is when its still active. Very tough.

As for me. I've been working on myself a LOT lately. Getting to bed on time. Better about letting my wife talk when she wants to, but once the blame comes out i do excuse myself from being bashed any longer by excusing myself from the conversation.

Its going to be a VERY long 5 months in the mix, but i know it'll also be over before i know it, and i'll be out the other side a better person for it all. Its the one thing D-Day and the A have given me, a massive jolt, even though i was working on myself already, it was like a lightning bolt of energy that was added to the equation.

I definitely feel like i've faltered continually, then found my way, then stepped back again. Each time does get a "little" bit quicker, from the falter to the adjustment. So thats good progress i guess.

I do, truly forgive my wife for the anger and resentment, as i understand wholly what i brought to the table and the problems i caused in our M. It just doesn't get through right now, and i'm not sure if its the hurt and anger blocking it, the A, or both (likely both).

I'm trying to come up with my plan now of things to set in motion for the coming 5 months and beyond so i can really focus on that, my kids, exercise, guitar lessons, and work. Thats the best i can think to do right now, and try hard to just let the A go as much as it bothers me.

Complex:

Yes, i totally agree. The post was more out of frustration, as i don't think i could ever actually "out" my wife. I've never in our 12 years said a negative thing about her to anyone. It doesn't even feel right when i actually sat down and thought of what i would do, or how i'd feel, in making that happen. Not a good feeling at all.

I think the post was a catalyst after reading a few other sites that push hard for the immediate outing of the A, and as you likely know, there is such a thing as too much, and sometimes BAD information out there that is pawned off as gospel.

I've tried up, re-evaluated, and have made my stance now. Going to follow through with giving her the D, and go from there in my own life. If at some point she realizes that i have changed, maybe it won't be after i've moved past the relationship. Time will tell at this point.

I'm also not totally myopic into thinking i'll always be positive, and firm in my beliefs. I know i'll continue to falter on certain things DB/180/LRT, but i will keep working at it when i do trip up. This forum is definitely worth its weight in gold from the caliber of people here that are able and willing to help fellow DBers in their quest for M, whether it ends in D or not.

[Swabby]

Thanks Toots.

Thats exactly what i'm endeavoring to do right now, and with just focusing on that i know i'll get myself through this and on the other side :-)

[Swabby]

One question i do have for folks here. Beyond the A, at which point should we disclose the impending D, and then the final D if it goes through?

I need some close, family and friend support, especially those who have been through it themselves and understand some of the issues surrounding a D.

[Starsky309]

One question i do have for folks here. Beyond the A, at which point should we disclose the impending D, and then the final D if it goes through?

I need some close, family and friend support, especially those who have been through it themselves and understand some of the issues surrounding a D.

I think if you need emotional support and even specific advice, you should seek it at any time. Just keep your circle of advisers small, and ask them to keep things confidential until YOU are ready to go more public with them.


Starsky

[MrBond]

"She was very open with me about her emotions, but you'd have to understand how. It was always a cycle of railing into me for all the things i did wrong first, then the feelings would come in, then a few more insults to my manhood, husbandry, etc. It was a sprinkling back and forth of this in every conversation."

I don't think you quite understand. I'll bet if you trace things back to the very beginning when you were first married, she would give you small hints that she felt left alone and you probably ignored them thinking they were no big deal. It's what happens to everyone. It's not until over a period of time that when those "hints" go unheard that people get louder and try to make themselves heard. By that time you just started seeing her as a "b*tch" and rather than going back and figuring things out, you shut it out which made her want to be heard even more.

"I don't want that for my life anymore, of that i'm sure, and while i still love my wife, i don't ever desire that kind of a relationship again, one where i mentally checked out so much, or one where i felt belittled."

To a degree, you did that to yourself. The way she treated you was a response to how you treated her. You say you don't want that any more, fine. Then do something about it. She doesn't have to be there for you to start changing.

"It wasn't that i was expecting rewards, but when someone tells you you NEVER do something, or that you never try, its hard to not focus on the things you felt you DID do to make things better."

I agree, but I'm willing to bet that she wasn't like that in the beginning.

"While i do agree with you, that a healthy relationship is a good balance of give and take, i think everyone still likes to hear their hard work is appreciated, whether for their family, relationship, or providing at work or at home."

Not entirely. Some people don't think words of affirmation are as important as other ways of showing appreciation. Some do it though sex or presents. You just seem to need that validation. Maybe your W didn't. How often did you compliment her?

"I know i could've definitely been more proactive, as many men could/should about the work it takes to run a house of kids."

It wasn't that you weren't proactive. You just weren't there. And when she wanted more of your time, you chose to remove yourself which made her want you more.

"How can one ever hope to focus on the problems of the marriage itself, when 2-5x daily, the OM calls, or she calls him?"

By not concentrating on that. My W worked with her EA who was her boss so they would see each other every day and have lunch together, etc.. It's not impossible.

"Suddenly its not about the marriage anymore, but about tying it off so she can proceed without feeling tied down."

Not really.