yet another hopeless tale 2

[MrBond]

Now you can go on living without the distraction. What are YOUR plans. It will be painful in the beginning. But hang in there and you can pull it through.

[newpand]

Tonight was her "final" moveout. I put that in quotes because yesterday she was so taken by surprise that she only grabbed a few things, and tonight she still left behind many nonfunctional things that she will not need in the immediate future. She has this idea that she's now living with OM only temporarily while she looks for her own place, but I have a feeling that inertia, lust, and cost savings will keep her right where she is, with him, for some good while. Tomorrow I'll box up what's left of hers and load it into the storage space downstairs.

Being here while she packed up was... interesting. Although she had readily and eagerly acceded to the move when I suggested it, she said today more than once that I was "kicking her out". For the three hours she was here, I helped her put things in boxes and get them down to the car; I gave her my car key, she gave me her house keys, and she drove off.

There was some conversation in there. Mainly it was just friendly, desultory interaction as we gathered things together. As we neared her departure I thanked her for seven good years together. I said that I regretted that our marriage ended, and especially that it should have ended like this, but that that wouldn't stop me from valuing the time we did have.

Somewhere during the time she said to me pointedly that I was kicking her out, or something to that effect, to which I replied that she hadn't lived here for weeks anyway. She asked-- not sarcastically but sincerely-- would I have wanted her to be here? I thought for a while before answering, "If you had actually *been here*, then yes, I would have." She didn't ask for further clarification. I think she took my meaning.

Also, before she left she asked, "Do you hate me?" to which I said no; I'm disappointed in your treatment of me and my feelings, but I have no reason to be hateful-- and I can't hate you if I believe that, underneath it all, you do genuinely feel sorrow for having hurt me. She asked soon after, "am I a bad person?" to which I responded "Truthfully?" [she nodded] "I think you are a weak person. You know, of course, that that used to be part of how I loved you; I could be your strength when your emotions got the better of you. But this time your emotions took you away."

She cried a bit, and hugged me a long goodbye. I clarified what our next steps would be to finalize the divorce (separating the finances on Saturday, getting forms from the lawyer with which we confirm uncontested divorce and date of original separation), and she was on her way.

Once she drove away, I did seize up, and spent some time wavering between crying and not... but then called my father, whose wife just died a few months ago, and he told me about the new woman he's met.

And then I recorded another few tracks of my next audiobook.
And then I wrote an e-mail replying to a potential employer.
And then I recruited another potential member for the theater project I'm putting together.

And I'm calm, and relaxed, and not ruminating. I still don't have much of an appetite, but I did eat earlier.

And now I feel as though I can actually, properly miss her. Now I feel, at last, that I can feel genuinely sad she's gone.

[TenBook]

Hi New,

You're going to start the grieving process now. You may want to look up some S and D support groups on meetup.com It's going to take time.

[newpand]

A lyric from the musical "Purlie" has been going through my head all day:

"The world isn't comin' to an end, my friend; the world's just comin' to a start."

Boxing up all of W's stuff took me the entire day. This surprised me, because I had made a list of our assets and the list was not as extensive as the boxes are proof it should have been-- however, the list that I made was only of the things that were arguably either of ours, and the boxes contain those things thus selected as hers as well as everything that was inarguably hers (like her clothing, fabrics, and art supplies). So moving all those down the three flights to the storage space will be Sunday's workout.

Sunday, because tomorrow and Saturday I'm pleased to be keeping myself busy all day! This is a good thing.

While packing, I did have occasional moments of distress. Before packing, actually, I had a moment where, in the kitchen, I simply allowed myself to collapse and lay on the floor for... well, it seemed like a long time, but it was probably no more than ten minutes. [It's a clean floor.]

I've started telling my friends what's happened. I'm relieved that I'm not blaming, trying to make W look bad, or painting myself as a victim. She moved out, moved in with him, the marriage is done, thank you for your sympathy and let's get on with our evening.

There was another moment I didn't mention from when W was here, last night, packing up her own stuff. She stopped for a moment and said, there was something she'd been meaning to ask me.. namely, had I screwed her over? How so, I asked. With the division of assets, she said. I bit my tongue to avoid saying no, you screwed yourself over, and she continued. You told me about the laws, she said, and showed me how the math worked; but I just took your word for it and signed the marital agreement. I didn't look up any of it or do any calculations myself.

It felt really good to be able to tell her, being honest both with her and with myself, that I had not lied to her or misrepresented any of the laws. That if she looked up the state laws about family gifts and alimony, or called a real-estate agent to price out the condo, looked up the value of the car, or read the laws that indicated which of our accounts were and were not marital assets, that she would indeed see exactly what I had told her to be true. I felt such a relief-- firstly, that I really wasn't trying to exact some kind of retribution or revenge, and secondly, that she still trusted me enough to accept my word that I wasn't. Now, granted, part of her "trust" is unquestionably just due to her being in the affair fog and simply not thinking about it ("At the height of the A, she will sacrifice anything"), but it was nice for once to be treated as an ally and not an enemy (although perhaps the context for that is ironic).

[newpand]

Now W has been moved out and gone for five days. Our only contact has been to meet once, at the bank, to separate our shared accounts.

She was, at the bank, more like her "normal" self than I had seen her in weeks-- friendly, chatty, even playful. I was dismayed to be so reminded of why I loved her.

With her gone, and the stronger memories of how horribly she has treated me-- increasingly worse since last November-- it's pretty easy to avoid missing her. (I realize now why everyone says it's fortunate not to have kids.) What I find myself missing more is not her personally, so much, as missing the emotional needs she met. That is, in part, a lie, because I'm deliberately ignoring what about her I miss... but I am able to do that and it seems to lend stability to my emotional life.

[newpand]

This has been a difficult weekend. W is days gone, but this was her birthday weekend-- and, as promised, she went on her romantic camping getaway with OM. Add to this that they are now (obviously) having sex, and the fact that I'm still Facebook friends with her... and I see people posting on her wall "Happy birthday! What are you doing for your birthday?" and I want to scream in response "BLATANTLY and REMORSELESSLY COMMITTING ADULTERY, that's what!!" Instead she seems to at least have the presence of mind to keep quiet, only joking in response to these questions, to avoid letting her co-workers know what she's actually doing.

[Bob723]

This has been a difficult weekend. W is days gone, but this was her birthday weekend-- and, as promised, she went on her romantic camping getaway with OM. Add to this that they are now (obviously) having sex, and the fact that I'm still Facebook friends with her... and I see people posting on her wall "Happy birthday! What are you doing for your birthday?" and I want to scream in response "BLATANTLY and REMORSELESSLY COMMITTING ADULTERY, that's what!!" Instead she seems to at least have the presence of mind to keep quiet, only joking in response to these questions, to avoid letting her co-workers know what she's actually doing.

Hello newpand,

This has to be so rough on you, especially considering it is your W's birthday weekend.

I have just read you situation and it has to be very painful.

Do you think "befriending" her on FB might make her take notice? At the very least, it might give you some peace. It think she is trying to do all she can to get under your skin.

What do others think on this forum? Should newpand take his W off of Facebook?

Hang in there -- we're here for you.

Bob

[Wet]

Do you think "befriending" her on FB might make her take notice? At the very least, it might give you some peace. It think she is trying to do all she can to get under your skin.

What do others think on this forum? Should newpand take his W off of Facebook?

Hang in there -- we're here for you. Bob

newpand, yes, Bob is right. Unfriend your W from FB. Stay off of it if you can. Do not look at what she or others post. This is for your mental health.

And don't do things to make your W notice. Do things b/c they make sense for you, and your sanity.

[Bob723]

newpand, I agree with Wet -- Don't do things to make your W notice. Do things because they make sense for you, and your sanity. It can be a slow process, but it will help you.

Wet, thanks for the kind words.

Bob

[Kramer]

Yes, definitely unfriend her.