Onwards and upwards.

[rd500]

Hi Barry. You sound ok and that's great. Try not to mi d read if W is happier without you or not. You have no idea what she's thinki now or what she will think in a few months, etc.

Take care. Rd

[Barry]

This just gets better and better. I received a phone call this morning regarding what is now MAJOR issues in raising the finances. It doesn't look like i'll be able to take W's offer and that I'll lose my house and the oppurtunity to live with my kids again too now.

If it's not bad enough that I have all this going on at all, now I can't even put an end to the drama, pay W off, go home and move on. This is really turning my world upside down.

I'm trying really hard to keep on keeping on but every way I turn, there's something making everything just that bit harder. In this case, it may be impossible to stop W forcing the sale of my house. It's probably the only way she can get her cash.

I was going to file today too if I could get a positive result with the finances. I've held off for the moment.

[Barry]

I saw a friend last night and ending up breaking down for the first time in weeks. All the finance problems have hit me hard. If I can't sort it out (and it's looking likely I won't be able to), not only will I have lost the woman I loved (and love) to pieces, I'll lose the kids, I'll lose the house I've paid into for years and won't be able to afford another mortgage.

It's not that I'm emotionally attached to my house as such, it's only that by taking her offer, I was getting as good a deal as possible and I'd get half my kids living with me. We'd agreed on how things were going to work and although I wasn't happy with the sitch, I'd accepted that this was the way forward. It seemed like such a simple solution on paper.

All I wanted now I'd accepted the fact that my M is over, is to get all this over with as soon as possible. My STBX wants out of the house and the marriage quickly - and that's what I intended to make happen. There's as good as no chance of R between us before we D - she's litteraly a stranger to me now. I can't even think about whatever slim chance there may be.

I'm still so angry that she's done this to me and our family.
She's thrown me under a bus and I can't even pick myself up, dust myself off and move on without her.

[Mozza]

Barry,

I'm so very sorry for your financial troubles. This comes at the wrong time, definitely. Everything was going to fall into place after the S and now you have another battle front. This is not what you needed right now. I completely understand that it's more about getting your life together post-S/D than anything else. In fact, you have the right attitude to this whole ordeal, one of acceptance. In a very short time, you've become very good at DBing.

The only thing you could change is to stop thinking in terms of chances to R. I know why you do it and I've done it for a very long time. In fact, I probably still do it in the back of my head. But the only place where this pessimism brings you is down. It's not the first time I tell you but I will repeat it: Some success stories of R have gone through where you're going and worse. Some better ones have never R. You don't know. You really, really don't. I know you hear and watch your W and think: "She's really moving on. She's clear. She says so, she walks the walk." People who have R have heard the same thing and more. They apparently hated each other, they moved in with OM, etc. I'm not saying yours is a sure bet, I'm saying that you speculate on things that you don't know, so not only is it pointless but it brings you down.

The helpful thing to do for you is to take action, acknowledging your current situation, but not extrapolating. You don't do it for her anyway, you do it for yourself, so there's just no point.

You've been doing good so far. Keep us posted on this financial situation. I really hope you'll find a solution. Not to sound like Richard Branson here, but £10,000 doesn't sound like such a huge amount, compared to an entire mortgage. By the way, don't exaggerate the impact: you'll get back most of the money you put in the house when you sell. Also, maybe you can't afford a mortgage now, but your life will turn around in the coming years, maybe you'll meet someone else or R, and you'll be able to buy a house again if that's what you want. Personally, I'm your age and I've never had a mortgage.

[Fogg]

Barry, sorry your financials aren't going the way you would like right now. I can see you were happy about reclaiming part of something you lost and wanting to get to a point where the pain can start to diminish. I may be wrong, but I feel like you want this to end quickly so you can move on and stop hurting. I feel the same at times.

I know we have both very similar and very different sitchs, but I keep seeing similarities in our emotional states just offset by 1 or 2 weeks.

I'm just now starting to feel like I should have moved out a while back so I could start to to get myself together and push through the pain. Seeing my W daily kills me and I get to the point where I don't want to be in this house anymore. At times I just want to let go so she can begin to live how she wants, without me. I don't recognize her anymore, shes a stranger to me. I feel like a stranger in this house and to her. Then we share a small connection or nice conversation and I crash and burn inside. We rent so its not like I have any financial investment in staying, so I understand your position is much more complicated.

I'm not sure any advice I give would help because I don't understand this process at times either. I would just say try not to think in absolutes. Your not losing your children, your not losing your home even if you lose your house. Your home is where you make it and your children will always be in your life. Try not to focus too hard on making it work right now, it leads to disappointment when things don't go the way you want.

See it as another change in your path, one that will lead to your happiness in the end. We may not see what the future will bring, but it can always surprise us. Don't fixate your mind on only one possible outcome. Allow the possibility for anything to happen.

[Barry]

Hey Mozza. Thanks for the cheerleading, although I do feel like a failure as far as DB'ing goes. I'm not busting one I'm afraid, I'm filing for one.

Regarding the chance of R, honestly, I know what you're saying about the success stories. I've read some sitch's that make me at least feel grateful that I don't have it any worse. AP's, small children, WAS's that want everything they're entitled to, feelings of hatred etc - I don't have any of those, yet even after all that and more, they clawed it back from the brink of D.

I don't seem to have seen many where D has actually happened and then they R successfully - if you know of any, please do let me know. I had an aunt and uncle who did and re-married. They were far from a success story though, and hated each other's guts by the end and divorced again!

In my case, at first I was filing for three reasons.
The financial protection it ensures when getting a consent order or "clean break" document in place. I would get my house back, even if it doesn't feel like home now, and last but by far from least I'd get to live with my boys.

However, I've come to terms with the hard truth that the only way I can hope to ever R with my W is to end our M. She needs to walk her path, and I mine. In time, maybe those paths will cross again - and that's really all I have hope for now. Who knows, maybe she'll think of me differently one day. Maybe she'll come to realise that for all our flaws, our differences, all the changes we've gone through, and everything that led us to this awful place, we had something special. We did, but to her, that's the past now. Barry is her past.

On the finance side, you're right...£10,000 isn't a great deal of money. I'll elaborate on this, you never know, maybe we have a UK financial advisor on the forum!!

When W made me the offer and I started making enquiries about it, I called my mortgage lender to find out how much it would cost to have W taken off the mortgage, deeds etc, and asked about getting the £10k extra. It was at that stage where they told me that taking the mortgage over solely based on my income wouldn't be an option. Not only couldn't they give me the money (which I would be taking out of the not inconsiderable equity), they couldn't give me a mortgage at all. So I needed to try elsewhere.

The bank who we've had our joint account with for 15 years had sent me mortgage deals in the past so I tried them. When I saw them, they said that my credit score wasn't good enough to offer me anything. They said that if I could sort that out, they'd be able to give me an amount that would see me be about £5000 short on W's money.

I checked my credit score with the three main credit reference agencies and lo and behold, there's an unpaid mobile phone bill from last September lurking. It's in my name but the phone was my sons and W had got the contract out online. I was aware of this being done around 18 months ago. When I asked W about it, she said that we hadn't had anything saying we owed it...she thought the contract had finished so had cancelled the direct debit back in September. So then I get into a two week battle with the mobile phone company. I paid the bill immediately obviously.

What I needed them to do was take off the delinquent marks from my credit file when technically, I did owe them the money. They wouldn't do it. I spoke to Manager after Manager there and tried to even appeal to their compassion. What had happened now is that I couldn't get a mortgage so would lose my house and kids over a £50 phone bill that I didn't even know I had!! They wouldn't change it.

My score had increased just in settling the account so I went back to the bank and asked them to look again. They still said no and that they wouldn't even consider me for 6 months. It annoys me, we never miss any payments on anything. The bank can see this too, but they obviously see me as a risk.

It also doesn't help that we have £9k of other debt (credit cards, loan etc) and of course most is in my name as W wasn't working when we got them. We had holidays, cars, Christmas's etc on that money. I'm paying these, the mortgage, and various other bits at the moment and W is paying the household bills etc.
W doesn't earn enough to be able to get a loan to pay off half the debt, and we actually argued heavily about these other debts a few weeks ago. I asked her what she expected to happen with them?, was I supposed give her £10k cash and take all her debt away so she could live happily ever after??? She said she hadn't thought about it. I obviously called BS on that one.

Anyway, we've used a broker service in the past to change our mortgage (we always tie into a 2 or 3 year fixed rate deal) and I called them. Obviously there's a charge for their service but I need it sorting and they are really good. I spoke to my usual contact there and brought her up to speed on things as above.

I've only ever known this woman to be optimistic about our deals. We have a fair amount of equity in the house (around £60k) and we've never had a problem before. Almost immediately after doing some calculations, she said that she wasn't sure they'd be able to help me this time. My credit score is low, and my wages just aren't high enough. I can't change either of these things any more than I have. Shs said to leave it with her whilst she tries to see if anything can be done. It could be a couple of weeks before I know either way.

So the £10k I needed to raise has become a minimum of £112,000 (which pays off my existing lender plus W), which I'll have to take (if I even can) on extended terms (adding 6 years to the term) and at a higher interest rate (because of the credit score issue which was actually caused by W). All that AND I have to file for a divorce that I don't want. This is testing my acceptance and patience to breaking point I can tell you.

So now the worry is obviously that I can't get the mortgage, and W will force the sale of the house. Should that be the case, she's not going to want to take £10k when there's 55-60k coming to us. She said £10k so we wouldn't lose the house, but if it's going and that can't be helped, she may want more. She could get really nasty about things to be honest. She could demand more than half the equity by taking at least D16 and S13 with her (I'm certain S18 will live with me wherever). If that happens, I'll be paying support for both of them too, which we were avoiding before as we both had one depenfant each.

I don't know how this is going to turn out now. I was really hoping that it was going to go a lot more smoothly than this. I'll keep posting with any news.

Barry.

[Barry]

Thanks Fogg, I haven't caught up on your thread for a while, I'll swing by in a moment.

You're right in that as much as I don't want any of this, it has to happen so I tried to take control of the situation and make it happen as soon as I could so I could move on. I really am looking at all the possible outcomes but the negative ones do far outweigh the positive ones...and they are far more likely.
It's the stress of it that's getting me down.

[Barry]

I had to leave work early yesterday, and I probably will today as well - I'm really not feeling well at the moment. I'm so unhappy and the stress of all of this is too much. I slept for 5 hours in the middle of the day yesterday just so I didn't have to think about any of it.

I totally messed up last night too. I went to see W and broke down.

She doesn't have any stress, in fact, I only ever see or hear about her having fun. She doesn't even realise how much this is all affecting me. I've never done anything in my life that warrants me being made to feel like this.

I begged her to call all this off (I know guys, I know) because I love her and just want this to end. It's not like we've only been married for 2 years and they've been bad - we had 20 years together before that. I can't think of a single good moment in my life that she either wasn't there for or was part of and it's heartbreaking to see that she's happier and better off without me.
She didn't say a lot, apart from that she couldn't stop this. I asked because I'm desperate.

I'm trying so hard guys, so hard to make myself think like her in that this is all for the best. It's a constant battle though because I DON'T think it's for the best...not for me. Deep down, I still feel like I did at BD. I'm saying and doing all the right things in an effort to change my feelings about the whole thing but it's just not working. I come here and write to try and help with changing my feelings and to try to remain positive and upbeat. It's great to get positive feedback from you guys about how well I'm doing and I have found it a comfort. I can't help feeling like it's all just a sham on my part though.

I don't know if I should put this or not but I found myself thinking this morning (not for the first time) if my life insurance policy will pay out in the event of my suicide. My W and kids will get a large sum of money and the house gets paid for. I don't want to die, but the thoughts of losing the only woman i've ever loved, my home, and all my dreams for the future are overwhelming.
It's only thoughts of the kids that stop me.

I miss my W and family, and I'm so tired guys.

[Vapo]

Hang in there buddy,

instead of sleeping, try to go into nature, take a hike, get some sun into you if you can, fill those lungs with fresh air, yell, scream, get the $hit out of you. And then when you are alone, give your w to God, let him take care of her, and give it to him out loud, not just in your mind. Ask for help and guidance and you shall receive it, just keep your heart and mind open...

[errod]

I had to leave work early yesterday, and I probably will today as well - I'm really not feeling well at the moment. I'm so unhappy and the stress of all of this is too much. I slept for 5 hours in the middle of the day yesterday just so I didn't have to think about any of it.

I totally messed up last night too. I went to see W and broke down.

She doesn't have any stress, in fact, I only ever see or hear about her having fun. She doesn't even realise how much this is all affecting me. I've never done anything in my life that warrants me being made to feel like this.

I begged her to call all this off (I know guys, I know) because I love her and just want this to end. It's not like we've only been married for 2 years and they've been bad - we had 20 years together before that. I can't think of a single good moment in my life that she either wasn't there for or was part of and it's heartbreaking to see that she's happier and better off without me.
She didn't say a lot, apart from that she couldn't stop this. I asked because I'm desperate.

I'm trying so hard guys, so hard to make myself think like her in that this is all for the best. It's a constant battle though because I DON'T think it's for the best...not for me. Deep down, I still feel like I did at BD. I'm saying and doing all the right things in an effort to change my feelings about the whole thing but it's just not working. I come here and write to try and help with changing my feelings and to try to remain positive and upbeat. It's great to get positive feedback from you guys about how well I'm doing and I have found it a comfort. I can't help feeling like it's all just a sham on my part though.

I don't know if I should put this or not but I found myself thinking this morning (not for the first time) if my life insurance policy will pay out in the event of my suicide. My W and kids will get a large sum of money and the house gets paid for. I don't want to die, but the thoughts of losing the only woman i've ever loved, my home, and all my dreams for the future are overwhelming.
It's only thoughts of the kids that stop me.

I miss my W and family, and I'm so tired guys.

Wow Barry that post hit home with me. I have many of those same thoughts. I can tell you right now that if I did not have my daughter to worry about, I would not be here right now.