Every case is different but my W is now living with OM who was her boss and is 12 years older. They went away on work trips supposedly with other people, worked late etc. W was always friendly to me at home Every situation is different but W denied any OM at first. I hope I'm wrong but sometimes we believe what we want to believe until the BD. Keep going but keep your eyes open too.
Sorry to hear what you are going through. All I can say is wow!! I still don't know if It is an EA I can't get my head around this but I still don't know if it is an EA It's eating me up.
_________________________ Me 52 W49 M 30 T 32 4 kids over 20 EA suspected Bd Sept 14 ILYBINILWY Still living under the same roof seperate beds
I confronted my W about the EA and things didn't go very well. Infact I think it set me back to the beginnIng. When I say the beginning I'm saying a new marriage. I broke a big rule by not walking away but I think I had to say my piece because I could see she was done with our marriage anyway. Two years of trying to save our marriage up In smoke today. This one can't be saved, she's done.
_________________________ Me 52 W49 M 30 T 32 4 kids over 20 EA suspected Bd Sept 14 ILYBINILWY Still living under the same roof seperate beds
The only plan you need is 180. Follow it to the letter and you could save this. All the begging, crying, etc. just makes you look even worse in her eyes. She can't respect a crybaby. Man up, do the 180 to the letter and regain your power. You'll see results. Please read it like it came from the burning bush. It might get hard, but do it to the letter.
So when I confronted her we had the first and biggest fight we've had in about 10 years. How do I 180 that when she is so mad at me she may never speak to me again. I will say that It felt good to get all that off my chest but the damage has been done.
_________________________ Me 52 W49 M 30 T 32 4 kids over 20 EA suspected Bd Sept 14 ILYBINILWY Still living under the same roof seperate beds
I'm not surprised at the way she reacted, in fact I wore a glass of wine that she threw at me. I think i'm more surprised at myself for confronting her the way I did. I finally believe now after all this time my wife is not WAW but WW
_________________________ Me 52 W49 M 30 T 32 4 kids over 20 EA suspected Bd Sept 14 ILYBINILWY Still living under the same roof seperate beds
Rustbkt - two things jump out at me. The first is a question: Did you get a chance to read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy"? A lot of men who hold it all in just explode one day, in a manner no one ever expected. Was it a great move? Probably not. Can you recover? Yes. Shake it off, let it go. Let's work on moving forward now.
What have you done to GAL? I'm willing to bet your W is bored and thinks you have no surprises left in you. Get out. Get busy. Start living without her. This is HARD at first, but it is the single best thing to do for yourself. It distracts you from the pain at home. You get to make new friends. Your wife will be absolutely confused. That is a good place to start.
Apologize for going over the top if you feel you need to. Don't go overboard. Just acknowledge you might have gotten a little overwhelmed and lost your cool for a minute. Do not grovel, though. Don't expect a warm reaction from her - but apologize if it's called for.
Try not to obsess over a possible EA/OM. I know how hard that is, too. But it brings nothing but grief. You want to be relaxed, happy, going about your life. The goal is to create some mystery. A stressed out H is nothing new.
If you do great work DBing, and you reconcile - I'm sure she will tell you if there was something. Will it hurt? I cannot describe the pain. If you can forgive her, then continue on. If it's a deal breaker for you, you might need to get more sneaky...I can only say from experience that road leads to nothing good.
No Ancaire I did not read that book but will take your advice and get started on it right away. My GAL In includes visiting family and friends, going to church and bike riding. Today I also decided to get back to the gym four or Five times a week.
I don't think I will apologize to her. I feel that I was justified in confronting her about her EA because I have listened to her talk about her relationship with her boss for the past eight+ years. I have collected enough information to approach her about this. I also feel that this EA is reason she wants to separate and I needed to get this out in the open before we do go our separate ways.
Just before we had the blow up I asked her I she would like to wait a few more months and sell the house in the summer. I tried to reason with her that it would give us more time to get the house ready. She declined.
_________________________ Me 52 W49 M 30 T 32 4 kids over 20 EA suspected Bd Sept 14 ILYBINILWY Still living under the same roof seperate beds
I've learned the hard way, it's not a good idea to get between a spouse experiencing some form of MLC, or just simple WAW selfishness, and their dearly held dream of how things should be. Their hearts are cold. And somehow the spouse becomes the reason for everything bad in their lives. They all say it. They tend to do the same things, too.
You single best chance at turning things around is to focus on you. Be busy, be happy, work on things you can change - you'll be a better person for it, and it often turns a bad situation around. It makes no sense - but it works.
A lot of the guys here really learned a lot from reading the book. I see them recommend it to one another all the time, and comment on how it helped them learn and grow.
Another tip I've learned is that the sooner you stop watching her to see if she's noticing your changes, and just focus on yourself while still being pleasant to your spouse, the better off your frame of mind will be. The goal is to become a person only a fool would leave.
My key words for myself are strong, calm, and pleasant. It takes some effort with your world crumbling around you, but once you master it? Change begins to occur. All situations are different as far as what change, but the changes in you will be worth their weight in gold! You'll find that you're more peaceful, happy, and calmer in general. Absolutely priceless.
Update and let me know if the book was helpful for you, too. I suspect, from all you've said - you're definitely a nice guy...sometimes to your detriment.
