Yes, you are right. I'm wobbling between anger and grief now. It hurts.
Last night he said he wanted to behave fairly to "leave things as right as they could be" between us. I don't understand how he could have spent sixteen FULL (as in eventful) years with me and want to just shake me off him like dirt from his shoes. I told him that expecting my trust at this point was entitlement and if he wanted to regain it even a little then he needed to respect my opinions and whatever I actions I felt like I needed to take to see to my own best interests.
As good as it felt to lay that out so plainly, I feel like I crumpled with my daughter today. She turned twelve today.
It was very, very bad. Something was clearly upsetting her. But she exhibits it as utter disrespect and ugliness. ALL EVENING. Horrible. I wanted to just walk away from her and be calm. But I needed to get dinner on the table. I needed to get things done. And the whole night she's just chasing after me complaining, criticizing, awful. My boundaries trampled (though not as bad as they used to be) and I couldn't enforce them. I still have so much growing to do.
STBX called her on the actual phone tonight and since she was really angry and wouldn't take the phone, I put it on speaker and set it next to her. She never did take it and eventually he gave up. Then he texted me that he was sorry but he'd call back later when she was calmer.
I found that moment very infuriating. But rather than responding with some version of FU I ignored him. BTW, I don't know if she knows why he wasn't here for her birthday. I didn't ask because I don't want to give the appearance of getting in the middle of them in any way. He didn't post his travel on the family calendar (that has been the agreement in the past), but I understand from the email exchange forwarded from my attorney that he seems to be traveling today. She didn't ask on the phone, he didn't say. If she thinks he's in town and only called her, no wonder she's upset and clingy.
I have become much stronger in the last year. Much, much stronger. Still so far to go, though. My girl was so upset today. Time of the month? First birthday since her dad moved out? Too tired/hungry? Adjusting to the strict (but not completely organized) babysitter? Something at school? Why today and not yesterday? The boys are feeling better and finally sleeping in their own beds again (at least for now). My girl seems to be getting a little clingier. I hope I can help her learn to speak her needs so she can be better.
Last edited by Maybell; 03/19/1502:17 AM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I just want to say how impressed and pleased at how you are dealing with your H right now. I'm very happy that you stand firm on your desire to use a L. I don't trust him one bit either. I also find that you articulate very well to him why you are choosing that path. I think you're touching a nerve with him and taking away his capacity to manipulate you to his advantage. Keep at it, there's a whole stadium here cheering for you.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
So just to be clear, I meant the say FU in your head, not too him.
Do you really need to know exactly what she's upset/angry/hurt about in order to be there for her? This is somewhat familiar territory for me as my son never shares things feelings with me however his mood changes like the seasons only more often. I try to remain consistent, loving supportive but not take on his stuff. It's the most difficult thing I've ever been called to do.
EVER!
But he also shows me where I need work.
Did you ever get an IC?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I got that -- I just couldn't think of a polite response worth the effort so I let it go.
Wonderful evening with my kids tonight. D12 was snuggly and lovey. We watched a couple of Taylor Swift videos together and she's happy. There's a slim possibility I might get into the house I really want as a rental too -- patience and faith. And being ok if it doesn't happen, which I totally am.
I hope this moment of peace streeeeeeeeeeeeeetches out for a while.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
No. I'm at my limit right now. For the last three weeks I've had a new babysitter who is older and that has eased a lot of the pressure on me, but before that I spent every minute of my sick leave on kids' sick days, snow days, and lawyer stuff. I could barely keep my head above water. Three weeks ago I started D12 in therapy which has dropped to every other week. That helped a ton. I'll be dropped from STBX's health insurance when the divorce is final and its unclear how my budget will work so I'm reluctant to start with a new IC if I can't afford it. My new insurance won't cover it.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Feeling tremendous anxiety about having a place to live and enough money to meet all my goals. I've been playing with some budgeting calculators and realized that we don't have nearly enough money saved to pay for the kids' college. A big part of this anxiety comes from STBX's email about the lawyer -- it brought up a point about college that got me thinking. Now I'm thinking, how am I supposed to do all this? If we had continued the budget meetings that I tried to start when we were newly married (he shut them down within six months) then maybe we would have made better financial decisions all along, but we spent money like college students, not really worrying about the future except retirement. And the retirement savings were made in a way that, while there's lots of money saved up, there was no strategy to it, and so much could have been done a LOT more intelligently.
I could go on... but I won't. I know money panic is a big part of divorce. I doubt STBX is having fits about it. but a lot of the equity in the house will be evaporated by having to sell it without a corporate package in place... so much money just DISSIPATED by STBX not being able to face himself and hiding in sex with strangers. OMG.
Somebody talk me down.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, I'll talk you down about college costs. Yes, it's expensive. But there are options if you start early. There are people who make their living by helping families figure out how to make college affordable and they give free seminars that are very helpful, and often give a free consultation as well. See if you can find one of these people and make a plan. You have a few years to put a strategy in place. It's not all about how much you have saved up.
One guy in my area is College Pete. Google that, and sign up for his newsletter. It will make you feel better and more in control.
