MLC W, Part 8

[kat727]

You do realize that MLC can last for years right? No joking. My ex is still in his fog, doesn't get how his actions affected everyone. It has been nearly nine years since the earth opened up and swallowed me whole.

This is something she has to do. You can't speed it up,do it for her or help. She will have to hit rock bottom before anything gets better. Mostly she probably doesn't even realize she is a mess.. This is not for the faint of heart.

Something to consider, would you be wiling to wait for 9 years? Would you start living your life or just play the waiting game?

kat

[TSquared2]

OK, to make a long story longer, I want to explain why I am disappointed. I thought/hoped W was making some progress away from her previous dating every night lifestyle to something where the kids were more important to her. I saw s13 was doing better in school, and thought W was home more and helping him more. I was wrong on this.

The drinking? This is all new. And we have friends whose mother died at the hands of a drunk driver. I don’t have evidence W drove home drunk, but it raises some questions in my mind. Dang, I wanted this to be getting better, but it seems to be just all staying the same.

From where I sit, she isn't being a parent. She is trying to have BOTH the single lifestyle with no responsibilities, AND, having her kids "around" so she still looks like a good mother.

That's a lot of cake you are serving her.

Imo, this is a critical time for your D and especially your son. Young men and women need good, strong male presence in their lives.

You are the best person to be that presence... You are their father. It's time, imo, to show them that man.

Time to file, going for 80/20 custody, that's 80% to YOU, btw....

You don't know what will happen in the future, none of us do, but at the moment...? She is being irresponsible as all h3ll at a time when your kids need positive role models, accountability and I'm not seeing either from her.

We are all here to try to save our M's...but comes a time when the needs of the many....our kids, and, ourselves, outweigh the ideal of saving the M.

It's time, Wet.

Let her go.

[Wet]

Thanks AJ, Kat and T^2, you've given me some things to think about. I'll check in later.

[AJM]

but it seems to be just all staying the same

One more to consider... Things on her end are staying the same. You and the kids are not. Your kids are doing their best to grow up. To reconcile the past life they knew with the new life they don't yet.

You are starting to see "things" that previously you were perhaps unwilling to see. You have and are changing, Wet. Becoming more realistic about what you see. Trying new things. Beginning to change, albeit kicking and screaming the whole way

Was reading the other day about the life of David. Ever read about his life? He was destined to be king. To be a great king. Ever hear what happened with his kids? With his family? Why he did what he did and how he felt about it? Wasn't an easy trip, that's for sure.

I was thinking about my own journey with this MLC mess. And how I didn't want to "see" what was going on. Or how it was going to turn out. The ups the downs, the hairpin turns. Wondering what it was all about. Wondering what my part was going to be.

What I thankfully didn't wonder about was what I needed to be. What I was destined to be for my family, friends, colleagues, my church, and my God. I knew what my priorities were from the beginning and in what order. While I waited to gain perspective and "see" things for how they really were, I knew my priorities and I stuck with them. My ex was never my first or second priority, Wet. Not since the beginning, but she was the source of much of my sorrow. Until she wasn't anymore. I took over that role because I wasn't willing to be realistic. I fought it tooth and nail because I thought that was what I was needing to do. Far longer than I really needed to.

On this site, 25 once mentioned how she hated that she wasted as much of her life worrying about her H and what was going to happen. I didn't think that would happen to me. At the time anyway. Now? I let it go on longer than any man should. I don't regret the time, but I do know that I let it go longer than it rightfully should have gone on. I'm just slow like that sometimes But I also know me. I make a commitment and I stick to it come hell or high water. I don't walk away until I'm done. Being able to see things realistically and calling time of death was new to me. It didn't come naturally.

What I learned is that reality is what it is. My perception may or may not change, with or without all the answers. That's my choice, but I did find that I much prefer seeing things as they are. No rose colored glasses.

A few more items to consider while pondering.

Peace,
AJ

[CaliGuy]

I think that was/is the thing that is hard to deal with .. the time factor. There is no time frame on this, its not a months kind of thing .. talking years and even at that there is no guarantee that they will ever come out of the fog/tunnels.

Your comment of "but it seems to be just all staying the same" ... I am curious, do you find yourself just trying to wait this out? I think for some time I did ... then I realized .. well .. I might aswell try to use this time to do things I have wanted to do .. in a way I GAL'd before I knew what that meant. Might be time to really change things up and see if you get a different result as the books suggest.

Thing is Wet .. when and if they ever come out, they will not be the same, we will not be the same. Its all going to be new regardless. I think the best thing one can do is to rebuild themselves into a person that when you look into the mirror you know ... ok .. I had a bunch thrown at me, but I handled it with grace, showed my children how to face a hurricane, they see it .. from what I read they are facing it and dealing with it too. (Maybe they are getting this from you) The W is out in the fog, lost, no one can lead her ... she has to process this alone ... I think in my case her just knowing I was always there was hurting her and not allowing her to her own journey. Its by far the hardest event I have ever dealt with in my life, harder even to let go ... not sure if I have done that completely to be honest, but I do know the rope is not nearly as heavy as it once felt. I have a feeling you can relate.

[Wet]

I am a good person. I deserve to be treated better than this.

Words of Affirmation – not to someone else (for a change). But for myself. This morning’s men’s group breakfast was helpful, along with all of the ideas y’all have recently given me.

I tried calling my W this morning, but she did not answer. I wanted to talk to her (w/o judgment or accusation), and with the new communication skills I am working on, to see if we could talk about what our children need, and what is best for them. The source of our discussion is d17 recently telling me W is not around much, and my understanding that s13 and d17 need a parent who is around.

The complications on any decision involving who is take care of the youngest 2 children are these: d17 will choose to live with her mother if all other things are equal. She may even live with W if they have to share a bed in a small place. W’s current place has 3 bedrooms, my apartment has 2 br’s. W’s place is a couple of hundred bucks more expensive. If I take over primary physical custody of s13 and d17, it will reduce and perhaps eliminate the child support I pay to W. I pay all of the rent at the apartment where I now live, and d20 lives with me, so any change will affect her – but she has 2 jobs and going to school, so she is the one who is most able to handle any change. My current apartment lease ends at the end of May.

So W a few weeks ago brought up the idea that I take over her 3 br place for the summer going into the fall (so s13 can go to the same school.) When I called my W this morning, I was hoping we could agree to allow me to move into her place more quickly.

I really want to discuss the issues that y’all recently brought up. But today, I took a day off from work to watch the opening day of the NCAA men’s college basketball tournament. So I’m going back to watch some fun hoops. I hope everyone enjoys the day.

[TSquared2]

I am a good person. I deserve to be treated better than this.

Clap Clap Clap!!!

When I discovered that last Feb/March or so, I figured that even if I didn't deserve better, I wanted better, for my kids and myself...

It is still a heartbreaking thing though, no matter how you slice it. Expect a variety of emotions to arise...gotta feel them, and then feel through them, it's the way through to the other side.

[Wet]

I spoke with my W earlier today. It was an unpleasant reminder that W and I have poor communication skills together. So W called me, and I asked about s13, some light talk, ending with W telling me out of the blue that if I want s13 until he turns 18, then I can have him.

Then I asked W about taxes. Last year we had a disagreement about taxes, b/c we could not agree on who received the deductions for our youngest 3 kids. We ended up filing a joint tax return to avoid the fight.

So I asked W if she wanted to file our taxes jointly again – and she scoffed “no way.” I wasn’t going to fight, I just wanted an agreement. So I asked her ok, we have to agree on who gets the deductions for our kids, what if you get the deductions for 2 of the kids, and I will take 1 of them (the 3 youngest are who we need the agreement on). I thought I could avoid the disagreement by proposing this.

But she would have none of it. She said “I get all 3 of the kids b/c I took care of them”. I reminded her that I provide a monthly support payment, as well as having s13 every weekend and holidays, and that splitting this up 2 for her/1 for me was fair.

Now this is when W brought up an odd argument, she said she should get the deductions for s13 and d17, but that d18 gets her own deduction. D18 worked part-time at a minimum wage job for little over 2 months last year, and she doesn’t need to file a tax return. So again, I am trying to avoid a fight on this, so I told W I would negotiate with d18 on this. But W would not agree.

I tried to explain to W that the difference for her income of having 2 or 3 deductions wouldn’t matter. She got mad and hung up on me. I did not have the chance to speak with W about our kids.

As I look back at our M, I see our problems in talking with each other. W and I did not have many fights, mainly b/c we both avoided talking about difficult issues. The fact that I waited until today to bring this up is an example of this. We both are annoyed with each other right now, and so maybe this is heading to court sooner rather than later.

[Wet]

I hope this lawyer joke brings you a smile:

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

[Wet]

I am grateful to everyone who has posted. Thanks.

I did want to specifically respond to AJ's March 16th post. Initially, I think it is interesting that AJ, it seems that you are finding a number of people of faith who are in your life. From the sidelines it looks like to me that God is working on you for something more.

AJ, you also mentioned "...It made me think about the differences between the way the world thinks and the way a Christian should think. We live in the world, so it's not easy."

Here is where I think I am making real progress. Now don't tell anyone (shhhh, ) but one of the key reasons I have not yet filed for divorce is the "duty" or "obligation" (words which were raised here before) I feel towards my W to make sure she come back to her relationship with God. I was praying throughout the day for my W (and kids) and that she grow in her in faith and knowledge of Jesus.

My Pastor friend yesterday helped me to see some problems with my thinking with this. I am putting too much on my own shoulders, and I am not focusing on my own life. I can pray for my W. But I can't save her. That's not my responsibility. Yes, it's that free will thing.

You know, I view life as a laboratory, see what works. Try and do more of what works, and less of what doesn't. And seeing my W with no progress over the past year hurt me. I trusted God heard my prayers, and that He MUST be doing something in my W's life. But nothing was happening/working, so it's time for a change. So I've changed my prayers for my W. Now just a simple prayer in the morning for more faith for her. And pretty much that's it.

And a good by-product for me of praying less for my W is that I think about her less, which helps with the detaching. That's where I am today.