RPP: Best Year Ever (18)

[rd500]

Hi Rppfl. That stinks !!!!!!! Good for kids but sh@t for you. You have every right to be piss@d Think about it , try to deal with it , then move on You are worth so much more than what your H is doing. I often say on here that I wish my W had half the backbone of the ladies on here and you are one of the top This is very hard but you will cope. The troubles we face will make us better people

Please don't dwell. Make new traditions for Rppfl. I started with small
Things like pizza nite on a Tuesday. Bacon sandwiches on a sat morning. Movie nite on a Thursday. Small but the kids love it.

Stay strong Rppfl. You will get through this. Hugs and xx from your friend in Ireland

[Sotto]

Hi RPP, it's things like this that are really hard I think. My H's family are lovely, but are transatlantic to us. Each summer, we took SS over to see them for a coouple of weeks and had a great time. H is taking SS over this Easter, and of course I don't get to make these trips any more. It's one thing I miss...

RD is right with the idea to move forward with new traditions though. Whilst these things are hard to come to terms with, life has many new joys in store for us too...

[Maybell]

I felt that way over Thanksgiving. I worked hard to build relationships with all his family (way harder than he ever did). And now he keeps them and I lose them.

I"m sorry you'll be losing a tradition you loved. I hope you make wonderful new ones that reflect the new, articulate, self-respecting RPP.

[SunnyB]

Thanks, bdub, RD, Toots, Maybell for weighing in on the vacation thing. I'm much closer to H's family than I am my own, I talk to his sister a few times a week, I talk to my sister a few times a year. Ditto the moms. It's just hard to feel shoved out of a family because he's being selfish. I know that SIL and MIL mean well, that they are making an effort to keep in touch, that they have been very supportive, but I also know as time goes on and things shift, he's their son, their brother. I'm the X. This Gulf Coast summer is the most relaxing thing I do all year, my kids look forward to it all year, there's nothing that could ever possibly replace it. And that's sad.

The rest of this it largely a brain dump, it may or may not make sense, but here I go.

Yesterday I went to a meeting at church (where I used to work) and as I was leaving I stopped to talk to one of the maintenance guys and found out his W had left him a month ago and he hadn't talked to her since. He knew about my H, and we chatted about both of us a bit. He made the comment that he knew I'd still take H back, even now, and I teared up a bit. Because, yes, a lot of the time I think I would.

So swirl that conversation around in my head with Monday's conversation with H, and with the two honesty/venting texts I sent yesterday, and I get the following observations. Yes, there are times when I absolutely feel like I'd take him back in that moment. But when I think through what I believe that would accomplish, almost none of it has anything to do with H himself. I want someone to raise my kids with, I want someone to grow old with, I want someone to love and cherish me, to walk beside me, to talk to, to share my life with. I notice that I'm not saying how much I love H, how much I miss *him*. And I feel a little guilty about that. Would I take H back just to get those things? Wouldn't that be just as selfish of me as he's being?

I'm going to try being a little more NC. I'm not sure what I can cut out, honestly, as I only contact him about kid and house stuff now, but I really feel like a little more space would do me some good right now. This week anyway. Even as stupid as I think the NC is. I don't know how I can feel like it's stupid and do it anyway, but here I go.

[Jefe]

(((RPP)))
You know, I would absolutely tell Husband how you feel about the vacation thing. I think its OK when something goes above and beyond a certain pain threshold to call BS and break the NC and just simply say "Hey, this really hurts because of X and Y". Plainly put and as honestly as possible, then leave it. Just my opinion, anyway.

"I notice that I'm not saying how much I love H, how much I miss *him*. And I feel a little guilty about that. Would I take H back just to get those things? Wouldn't that be just as selfish of me as he's being?

No, from my perspective and from a biblical perspective, no this does not make you selfish. At least not selfish in a worldly sense. You don't have to "feel" the emotion or say that you love him. All the things you would be willing to take him back over that you listed above are love. Honey, I support you in whatever you choose to do, EXCEPT I will not support you in beating yourself up over normal feelings any wife should have if she found herself in your situation.

Do something nice for yourself today but also allow yourself to have normal emotions without labeling yourself as selfish.

On the no contact thing, my wife said that was the part that drove her completely nuts, so it works. I hate it to, but it does work.

[labug]

So, a lot to process. Let it all sink in, that's a lot of hurt to absorb.

Don't say anything to him just yet. I lost my H's family when we were S cause my parents were dead, my brothers lived far away and we had lost the closeness we had as kids. (long story) I can understand your pain but it does get better.

As Dub said, great your own tradition. Go to Europe for the week.

[SunnyB]

So.......I just had a conversation with my mom, in which she revealed that H used to email her complaints about me on a regular basis. I have never, ever complained to H's mother about him. I have never, ever complained to my own mother about H. I never even complained to my girlfriends about H. NC is sounding very appealing this morning.

[labug]

What did you mom say to him when he did this?

[SunnyB]

What did you mom say to him when he did this?

I'm not entirely sure, she's as closed off as H is. But I got the impression that she simply ignored him and stopped responding at all.

And wow can I see how I learned to deal with conflict. If I ignore it, then it will go away. Won't it???

[jim0987]

And wow can I see how I learned to deal with conflict. If I ignore it, then it will go away. Won't it???

Of course it works every time. When did this rug get so lumpy?

Your relationship with SIL and MIL are up to you and them. they've been part of your life for 25 years (more than half of H's life) so your relationship is a relationship in its own right not some kind of side bar to your relationship with your H.

My Ex (prior to W) is still good friends with my mum and my brother, they went to her wedding last year. Now I havent spoken to her in 6 years, which is a shame as we were best friends for 9 years but its a consequence of my actions. the fact that she kept that relationship going seemed a little odd to me and i know it annoyed my wife, but ultimately its nothing to do with me. I will admit it was strange to visit my mums house and see photos both my significant ex's in wedding dresses but thats a whole other thing.

Your H is going for a week, you say they go for the summer, is there any opportunity to go out there after your H and still see them?