Alpha - rollercoasting #3

[alpha99]

I have been looking at jobs today twinmom. I do need to just do anything to be out of the house and get my sitch out of my mind all the time. Being alone and having free time at the moment since I'm not working is only making things worse. It seems you went through an extremely hard time. You must be very mentally strong.

[twinmom]

I don't think I am mentally strong, I just had no other choice. I did end up in the hospital for one night due to this.... The morning after my H moved out.

The hardest part for me was knowing OW was playing "mommy" to my kids. She has two kids of her own also.... it is still hard for me to see her (she lives on the same street as I do, just .25 mile away)

My marriage didn't work, my H "lives" here now because I need the help and he doesn't want a divorce. He doesn't know how to overcome his issues and doesn't trust therapists.

You do what you have to do when you have to do it.... that's how I view life.

Even if you can't find a paying job start volunteering somewhere. You will feel better about yourself, meet people (who could have connections to a great job) and get your mind off of things.

I mystery shop, extreme coupon and donate to charity..... This provides me $$$, self esteem, and keeps my mind busy.

I know I keep going on and on and you probably just want me to shut up but I just want to keep encouraging you that you will make it and be positive.

[alpha99]

Please don't shut up lol. I appreciate the time and effort that everyone who posts on my threadsmakes, and I take on board all the advice given. I should be clear, I am self employed. I do at home as a transcriber. It doesn't pay well at all really - at best being a part time wage, at worst being pocket money. This mattered little when we were together as I was looking after the kids too. Now I'm not doing that I need to do more career wise. I just feel like I can't work this week. I will have to start again next week or soon enough I will have no money.

W doesn't want to decorate the house anymore as she sees it as taking to long, dragging things out forever. She wants to sell it as it is. I can still see it taking months to sell. It still has a load of our possessions in it, does need a good tidy up, and then has to go on the market and go through the selling process. I won't accept just any offer.

I know what you mean about someone else playing 'mommy'. I have expressed this fear to my W and said that's the worst thing I could imagine, someone else putting my children to bed each night and not being there birthday mornings, Christmas mornings etc if she meets someone else in future. All she said in reply was that it would be awkward for her if I did the same.

Thanks twinmom for your encouragement. I hope that I do 'make it.' If I could choose between winning the lottery jackpot and say in a year's time living with my W and kids and being happy with them, I would give away the money in a heartbeat.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Please don't shut up lol. I appreciate the time and effort that everyone who posts on my threadsmakes, and I take on board all the advice given. I should be clear, I am self employed. I do at home as a transcriber. It doesn't pay well at all really - at best being a part time wage, at worst being pocket money. This mattered little when we were together as I was looking after the kids too. Now I'm not doing that I need to do more career wise. I just feel like I can't work this week. I will have to start again next week or soon enough I will have no money.

Think about yourself and your children and what is best for you/them.

W doesn't want to decorate the house anymore as she sees it as taking to long, dragging things out forever. She wants to sell it as it is. I can still see it taking months to sell. It still has a load of our possessions in it, does need a good tidy up, and then has to go on the market and go through the selling process. I won't accept just any offer.

It sounds like there is no longer "our" but rather "yours" and "hers". Start looking at things in this manner to ease your pain and confusion.

I know what you mean about someone else playing 'mommy'. I have expressed this fear to my W and said that's the worst thing I could imagine, someone else putting my children to bed each night and not being there birthday mornings, Christmas mornings etc if she meets someone else in future. All she said in reply was that it would be awkward for her if I did the same.

Either one of you may get a new relationship partner and this person may be nice to your children.

Thanks twinmom for your encouragement. I hope that I do 'make it.' If I could choose between winning the lottery jackpot and say in a year's time living with my W and kids and being happy with them, I would give away the money in a heartbeat.

Think about the path W has taken and the person she is today. She will almost never magically unravel into the person she was before the affair.

Think about all the conversations and various support in people she has of her new lifestyle and the A. Think about things she is interested in now during the A. It's a different person a different mentality.

[alpha99]

Daddylongshanks,

I need a new career for myself. One major thing that my M has allowed to happen is for me to use it as a shield to hide away from going out into the world and making something of myself. I look around at friends who aren't half as clever (not being big headed here at all) and they make far more money. The difference between them and me is that I have always been incredibly shy and reluctant to meet new people. I have been working on this.

The our possessions comment was just a quick way of writing things out. I do see them as ours simply because they are in our house. Upon splitting what is left they will become mine and hers. I have no problem with seeing the remaining things that way.

I know my W has changed forever. She will never be the same person she was before. I don't mind that. She was lacking in confidence, shy, miserable because she had no/very few friends and a poor social life. Apart from her lying, R issues, she has changed in many positive ways herself; more confident, more independent, a stronger and resilient person. If we were to be together at some point in the future I'd have no problem living with her new positive aspects. The lying/cheating/the apparent lack of consideration for my feelings etc would have to change.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Daddylongshanks,

I need a new career for myself. One major thing that my M has allowed to happen is for me to use it as a shield to hide away from going out into the world and making something of myself. I look around at friends who aren't half as clever (not being big headed here at all) and they make far more money. The difference between them and me is that I have always been incredibly shy and reluctant to meet new people. I have been working on this.

The our possessions comment was just a quick way of writing things out. I do see them as ours simply because they are in our house. Upon splitting what is left they will become mine and hers. I have no problem with seeing the remaining things that way.

I know my W has changed forever. She will never be the same person she was before. I don't mind that. She was lacking in confidence, shy, miserable because she had no/very few friends and a poor social life. Apart from her lying, R issues, she has changed in many positive ways herself; more confident, more independent, a stronger and resilient person. If we were to be together at some point in the future I'd have no problem living with her new positive aspects. The lying/cheating/the apparent lack of consideration for my feelings etc would have to change.

You can "burn" someones lying out of them. Well maybe not you alone, but multiple people and groups can.

I believe you will excel in your career. The one thing your friends did who did it, is they took the initiative. You have to take the initiative and don't make excuses.

Focus on "attraction", what that means for a man. I think your wife can choose you as a dominant and secure male with a lot going on for himself. Your will have to mingle and get out there in life a bit.

Good luck.

[alpha99]

W texted again this morning (6.10am) with:

Do you still want to go for tea with kids tonight?

Being so early, I saw the message but thought I'm not replying to that right now. I fell back asleep.

W called about 10 mins ago (8.00am) asking the same thing, or whether I wanted to leave this for this evening.

I kept things short and polite since I was half asleep. Rather than pick her up from home we are now meeting in the local town centre.

So, I'm wondering: I could turn up on foot or go by car. She would probably ve surprised if she had to get the bus back home due to me not coming by car.

Should I ask about her new place? Any conversation no nos? Obviously I will focus on the kids, no R talk. I'm doing LRT now so if anyone could give me a guide on how to gauge this that would be great.

I haven't seen the kids since Monday. I think W feels guilty over this. She was still direct on the phone but at little less frosty, ending the conversation with an almost normal 'ok, see you later' followed by a longer, more caring sounding 'byeeee' instead if the recent short, curt, grumpy grunt of a bye she's been giving.

I don't want to read too much into that but it's possible giving her space and very little contact is giving her time to calm down. In that sense LRT is working but given what's gone on over last weekend it's more damage limitation right now than making improvements to things.

[twinmom]

Just curious..... why do you have a car and she doesn't when you work from home and don't have the kids?

[alpha99]

I drive. W doesn't. I passed my test two years ago to enable us to have better family days out, take the kids to school in bad weather, easier to get food shopping etc

[twinmom]

Ok, I spent a few months in Germany years ago (I was an exchange student) but I was 15 and never paid attention to who was driving/who wasn't type thing.....

What country are you in? Is it ready THAT difficult to pass the test?

I remember getting my learners permit at 15 and my license at 16. I had my own car within a month and would go CRAZY if I didn't have that freedom/flexibility.