Wow, holidays still kill me, almost 2 years later. That was lousy. I am so grateful for my family and friends always including me and keeping me busy. Don't get me wrong, I had a nice day yesterday. But the pain is just not going away just yet. Most days I'm doing fine, having some fun even. But it just keeps catching up to me. I still (regularly, although longer in between now) feel like I need to let loose with both anger and tears, and I do. But there is still the nagging desire to BREAK something. And after all this time, I STILL have not yelled at him. I so want to get this out! Or really throw something that will make a very satisfying loud crash/splinter. I know DBing is all about STFU, but really? To never really let him know just how this has affected me? Never? I truly don't think he knows. It's this unsaid thing that has to be SAID. If it doesn't, it's going to keep growing, and cause me an ulcer, or worse, someday. Never mind the fact that he probably doesn't care. I feel like I let him off SO incredibly easy. He did whatever the h3ll he wanted for 2 years. And I am supposed to just walk away and be compassionate? Why am I having such a hard time with this? Boy, I hope tomorrow is a better day. I think I'm starting to stress because the move is coming soon. This house will sell in the next few weeks...
I did have another date last week. Fun one. Nice guy. I think we both felt there wasn't a spark, though, so that's ok. Nice to just go out and talk so someone new...
I hope everyone had a good Easter.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Why not write a letter to him, expressing all of your anger and frustration and then burning it? Telling him how you feel and what he's done will not make him wake up and apologize. He's still too much in the tunnel, but you will get an opportunity at some point to tell him how his behavior has affected you. You will know when the time is right and the door is ajar. You will need to be very calm and keep your voice even toned when having this discussion. If you become emotional, he will turn it off in his head and tune you out.
When he's further along, he may seek you out and apologize to you. But keep it mind, that his actions have to match is words. Sometimes they apologize to appease their guilt and want everything to swept under the rug, i.e., hence the "let's be friends" statement comes into play. This isn't going to work. If his apology is genuine, he will do everything in his power to prove to you that he is sorry...but, for now, you can't sit there waiting on this apology. You have to continue moving forward.
Two years is a very short time in the equation when it comes to dealing w/the mlcer. Don't be so hard on yourself. You were married for a while and this man has destroyed everything that you held near and dear. It's understandable that you feel the way that you do. Holidays and special events will open the wound a bit, but I can promise you, as time moves along, the scar will close and you won't feel it quite as badly as you do now.
Bottom line, you are too hard on yourself. Give yourself all the time you need in order to heal.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - thank you so much for your note and your kind words. I've been really down in the past week or so, still am. And no one around to talk to about this at the moment. Maybe it is the holiday. Everyone is on family vacations, including my XH, with OW, in FLA, with her kids. Ugh. This is SO hard. I was doing much better, but it keeps coming back.
I appreciate the reminder about keeping calm when/if the discussion ever takes place. This is key (in any similar situation, too). I have a hard time keeping things in check when there is so much emotion involved. And as for an apology? I got several already throughout last year, the latest one last October or so. He apologized for everything - except his relationship with OW for a year and a half while we were still married, while he kept me on the back burner. That's the only apology I ever really thought he needed to make - we both made so many mistakes. I could forgive everything else without an apology for those things. I don't think I'll ever get that apology for OW. And yes, he absolutely felt very guilty about everything and wants to 'be friends.' Has told me how sorry he was for being such a 'bad husband.'
I guess I did expect to be 'over him' by now, and sometimes I think I am. But then I have days like this. I keep pretty busy, but I am so, so tired of the loneliness -- I have lots of friends, and some family here, but you all know how it is, at night, first thing in the morning, going to bed and waking up alone, and eating alot of meals alone. And I'm a person who enjoys my alone time! But sometimes it's just too much.
Well, the house is going up for sale in the next couple of weeks, so I know things will be busy for at least a few months. Maybe that will help me keep my mind off things. And I hope once I get into a different place, all those reminders around me daily will be gone. I hope. I also have to go to our vacation home and gather the few things I want from the house. That's going to be difficult too. (He's buying it from me.) I loved that house. I loved summer Friday afternoons, when we'd be on the road by 5, heading north for a weekend in the woods, at the beach together. We lived for that.
Think I will go to yoga tonight, since my meditation class was cancelled!
Oh, can't remember if I already wrote this or not: XSIL (XH's sister) and her H (my old friend from high school) moved into their new house two houses down the road from me. Thank God there is one house in between (XSIL blames me for everything). I can still see their cars, and XH's car if he's over there. It is definitely time to move.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
And, I like the idea of writing the letter, Job. I wrote my mom a letter after she passed away, that said everything I never got a chance to say. That was about 10 years after she passed. I carried around alot of guilt and sorrow, and after I wrote that letter, it was gone. A huge weight off my shoulders. Whew. I never looked back. I knew she heard me somehow, and that was enough. It might work for this, too -- as I sit here watching the news, where they just finished a story about not carrying around anger, and forgiving someone -- for yourself. The news story said that if you forgive, you are not saying that what the other person did was OK. Rather, you are saying that you have decided NOT TO DWELL on the situation any longer, and you will not give it any more energy. I know we all know this, but it's a good reminder.
Will be seeing my beloved nephews out west on Thursday, for a long 4-day weekend. Looking forward to that.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
LiveNow, I am so sorry you had a tough holiday. It is natural to grieve a little over these milestones. I like Job's idea about the letter. I journal a lot and some of the posts are to my H though he'll never see it.
As for living so close to XSIL I don't think I could do it. You are bound to feel better when you have your own space. It is very exciting to think of creating your own spot in the world.
Sending you good vibes. I have always wanted to take a meditation class. I will need to look into that. Is it hard to master?
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Thanks Gwen. Well, I certainly haven't mastered meditation yet! The instructor has been 'practicing' since the 1970s and she will tell you she hasn't mastered it yet either. But, it's not easy. It definitely HAS helped me over the last couple of years though. It does make a pretty big difference if you do it regularly. I just find I think more positively and don't do as much of the 'spinning' that we all talk about here, and I have more patience. It gave me a new way to look at things. If there is a class available near you, try it, at least for an introduction. Then you can do it on your own, if you want to. Some people like the 'group energy.' Boy. I can tell I've slacked off. Too bad the next 4-week session was cancelled!
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Well, now. Wow. Long time no post. I think I can sum up my recent moods in 3 words: Life is good. It really is. In mid-June, I moved out of our house, to an apartment less than a mile away, but what a difference that one lousy mile makes! Being out of that house lifted a HUGE weight off my shoulders. I woke up every day for 2 years with reminders and memories right in my face, first thing every dang morning. Once I was out (as much as I loved that house), it all stopped.
New surroundings, whatever they are (I hate apartment living), meant a brand new outlook. I am SO grateful to be away from x-BIL and SIL too. I wake up nowadays and don't even think about XH for usually many, many hours. And if I do? It doesn't matter. It's just a thought. That's it. No emotion attached. <heavy sigh of relief> <--- this is what I did for days and days after I moved. I wanted to just lie on the floor because I was so mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted, and just SIGH. After about a week and a half, I got moving again, and I haven't stopped! My social life has really picked up and I am having FUN again. Even 6 months ago, I would not have thought that possible. I've had a few good dates, and there are lots more opportunities that keep popping up! Who knew?
And, in the middle of my move I bought a house! It's right where I wanted it to be, with all the features I wanted too - except no front porch. I'm going to have to do something about that!
Meanwhile, I've been running alot again, and I'm in pretty good shape for 52! As it happens, I was out running last week, music up loud, singing, smile on my face, full speed....and here comes XH (BTW he has gained about 40 lb since he left 2 years ago) driving down the road toward me. I just kept going, kept smiling. He drove by yet again about 15 minutes later. I just chuckled to myself and kept going.
One kinda sad note...today I wrapped everything up: signed my vacation home away to him, along with a vacant piece of property we owned just down the road from the vacation home. I mentioned before, it was our little piece of heaven. Someday I plan to have another little getaway. I'll be back there, and maybe with a new H. Ha.
I wanted to post this today because I knew I would get to this point sooner or later, but I didn't think it would be this soon. Almost 2 years to the day. I think if we do the hard work, we can get there sooner. I know all of you still struggling with things can get there soon, too. I cannot describe the freedom I feel. And this feeling is holding...I was afraid it was only going to last a few days and then the gloom would return. I know now that the move was the key. To make that clean break and start over.
I am finally excited about my new life, whatever it holds. I want everyone who reads this to know it's ahead for you too. Not easy, but we will all get there, even if many days you don't believe it! Believe it. And we all deserve it, too. We paid the price, now it's time to get living again.
Prayers for all of you on this board...you can do it! And so MANY thanks to all of you who have written to me over the past couple of years. Every little bit helped. No doubt in my mind. What a journey...and it continues, only now I'm on the upswing at last!
LiveNow
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
What a wonderful post & just reading it was truly inspirational. I am a little over a year into all this with kids at home and a health set back (broken shoulder, dominant arm) I am fighting off the feeling of defeat but your post was a ray of sunshine.
So happy to hear of your new beginning. Bravo to you!
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I'm very happy that you've posted an update. I'm sorry you signed over the vacation home and other property, but you can have that again some day. However, I am happy that you are in your new space and will be moving into a new house. The new house will be your space to decorate as you want and you will think of a way to add a front porch. I know you will figure that one out and it will be done to your specifications.
You've come a long way and have been an inspiration to many who come here. Please continue to post your journey because your postings are truly helping others.
I'm very proud of how far you've come. Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
