Just realised wife of 12 years is having a MLC

[Detrmnd]

I forgot we also have to go to a parent's evening for the youngest two Thursday evening, something I must admit I am dreading now that the school knows wandering if they will say anything.

Do any of you think I should stop the daily calls? As they just show weakness? I feel I am strong enough now to cope without them. (Famous last words)

[Cadet]

So I beg your forgiveness and implore you to help and tell me what to do next!

Follow the 37 rules and no begging!

Maybe DB101 - use a beginners mind!

Relearn everything that you thought you already knew.

[Detrmnd]

Lol Cadet, fair point! I was just trying to apologise for not listening before.

OK I will go through DB101 and re-read DR.

I think I finally have my mind ready and open. Perhaps I needed to really hit rock bottom to be free from the fear of losing her..

So you don't think it's too late?

[Cadet]

So you don't think it's too late?

I think YOU are the one that gets to decide.

Do YOU think its too late?

YOU are the person that is important here!

[Detrmnd]

So W just called and wants to meet me to discuss finances this afternoon... I wonder if it's also a test and she will try and be "nice" I have no idea. I will try and remain positive and not buckle, I assume I should be fair but not a complete walkover? What is a fair position?

My W works part time and I earn 5x as much as her... But currently I am sleeping at my mothers or sisters houses and contributing very little. We just moved house, and I don't want to unsettle the kids anymore. But on our current salary's there is no way I can get my own place while they live there. W is meant to be starting increased hours from april and should then bring in additional monies. We also have a lot of debt, in each name created together. Our banking is fully separate.

Obviously I want whats best for the kids and would happily live under a bridge so that they are provided for. However I realise this may make things worse! Particularly after reading Sandy2's guide to WW's!

[EyeTie]

Cover your butt during this convo.

My WW is notorious to do the "let's meet up" and be all sweet, because she wants something. But the minute she asks or gets what she wants, she is right back to acting like a nut. So when you meet with her today and she gets down to the nuts and bolts of things, just say "let me think about it" and do NOT answer right away, even if you know the answer, just stick to the "let me think about it" response.

[Detrmnd]

So you don't think it's too late?

I think YOU are the one that gets to decide.

Do YOU think its too late?

YOU are the person that is important here!

No Cadet I don't, all I want is to build a new future together! I will keep DB'ing then!

[Detrmnd]

Cover your butt during this convo.

My WW is notorious to do the "let's meet up" and be all sweet, because she wants something. But the minute she asks or gets what she wants, she is right back to acting like a nut. So when you meet with her today and she gets down to the nuts and bolts of things, just say "let me think about it" and do NOT answer right away, even if you know the answer, just stick to the "let me think about it" response.

That sounds like good advice, I will go with that.

I'm just suspicious about whether it is really to talk about money...
On the other hand she hates having to ask me for money, not that I don't give it or even ask what it's for.

[Starsky309]

Det,

Have you met with an attorney yet throughout your sitch? I see where you say your wife hasn't mentioned D yet, but I also see where she's had (having?) an affair. If I were in a situation where my wife was wayward, and wanted to talk finances with me, I wouldn't do ANYTHING without first running it by my attorney.

And in fact, in my own sitch, that's exactly what I did do. As the Good Book says, "there is wisdom in many counselors."


Starsky

[Detrmnd]

Thanks Starsky,

I have not formally met with an attorney but have spoken to a family friend who is a family law specialist. She has offered guidance in terms of reasonable amounts etc. Legally.

I can tell after tonights conversation it was a definite mixed message... She started on finances and then moved away. She was very curious about the other woman and tried to probe about all kinds of things I was unto in my life.

She then returned to general negativity and guilt tripping to try and make me feel bad. Before finally returning to the financial side of things. I just stuck with "hmm let me think about that" and " yes thats interesting" throughout.

I did though get her to agree (here in the UK lawyers are an expensive accessory not wait so much the commission based norm as the US) that perhaps before either of us agreed to anything we should go and speak to an independent legal advisor. A service that is offered free here in the UK, so we both know where we stand legally before making any decisions.

Having taken legal advice I know that she has un-realistic expectations of what she would receive, something not helped by "friends" offering school yard legal advice etc...

Stil despite that I took today as a positive.

It is one of the first times, she has spoken to me and I have been aware that she is trying to push my buttons and found it easy to not react.

Equally at no time did I agree or back down.

So baby steps, but I can see it was a struggle for her and really the whole financial thing was a smokescreen for her to talk to me about our R...