Onwards and upwards.

[Barry]

Hi everyone. Welcome to my new thread. Stop by and say hello anytime.

I'm afraid if you're looking for a success story, this isn't it. (Look up Mozza's thread for those). I'm filing against WAW soon.
There is however some great advice from people in my previous threads, which if you're a newcomer may be useful.

Links to my previous threads.
Thread 1.
Thread 2.
Thread 3.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, why the new thread?

I've spoken with my W today. I've told her I'm moving on without her and that I don't want our break up to be any more devastating an event as it is already. I accept that our M is over, and although we can't be friends, we have to be able to communicate effectively if our D is to go smoothly and we need to maintain some sort of respect for the other for the kids sake.

We talked about the details of the settlement and generally cleared the air a little. We both apologised to the other for the letting this happen to our R. I told W that she'll always have a place in my heart, and that if she's ever in serious trouble or anyone hurts her - that I'll be there for her, but I don't want to be M to her any more. I deserve to love and be loved. So does she.

She told me I was a good person and she knows I'll find love again. She hopes I do and whoever it is with will be lucky to have me. She told me to not love anyone too much in the future. It's not fair on the OP, and not fair on myself to forget who I am and what I want.

There was a funny moment when we spoke of something, and we both knew in an instant and just by a look that it had triggered a memory of a long standing joke we'd had between us. We both laughed as we used to for the first time since BD.
It's those moments I'll miss, and I think W will too - I could see it in her eyes.

We hugged each other warmly but without love. It was the embrace of two people going on a long journey in the opposite direction of one another. My journey is a bit daunting but I'm already on the path, I just need to keep going.

Where W's journey leads I don't know. Bon Voyage though W, take care out there.
I doubt they will but maybe one day the winds of change may blow us closer together.
I'll leave a light on.

Onwards and upwards

[Barry]

Feeling optimistic this morning.
It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders now I've made the choice not to torment myself any more. Life is for living and loving, that's my goal now.

It's Mothers Day in the UK today, so all my kids are going with STBXW to visit MIL for the day. SIL's x 2 and their kids are going too. I hope they all have a lovely day together. My STBXW called me this morning to say that S13 had stayed at a friends last night, hadn't got back home in time to go and she couldn't get him on the phone so could she leave him in my care (obviously no problem with this). It was strange on the phone though. Up until now, whenever I've heard her voice it's sparked off thoughts of her and my sitch that I then dwell on for hours. I didn't feel that way at all today. It's an interesting and welcome development for me.

Anyway, I must get on with cooking the dinner (Mums day off).

[Sotto]

Hi Barry. Welcome to your new thread! You say that yours isn't a success story. And it may not be for your M. But I do think you have grown a great deal in recent months and that is nice to read. You sounded pretty stuck at the start of your sitch, and I really think you have moved forwards.

Interesting comment from your W that - not to love someone too much and lose part of yourself. That's definitely something to take forward into a potential new R. Although I appreciate that may not be uppermost in your mind right now.

Enjoy spoiling your Mum today! :-)

[Barry]

Hi Toots, thank's - I'm glad I'm able to be here.

You're right. I more meant that it may not be what a hopeful newcomer is looking to read, but it IS my success story of how to survive this. As I say, there's some great advice and support in my previous threads, that may be of use to any aspiring nice guys.

STBXW is right in her advice to me. That's been the underlying issue in me for a long time and it's motivated my actions, words, and thoughts regarding my R with her. I was a H at a young age and I allowed myself to become so enmeshed with my W over many years, that she dominated every fibre of my being.

There's something I've never told the forum about before. I have a BD of my own to tell you all about.
One that set me on my path to being a Nice Guy for most of my adult life and it's part of the reason I'm here at all.

I'll post it on my previous thread later on as this one is about the future not the past.

[Barry]

My Mum enjoyed her day today. Obviously I'm living with her and my Dad at the moment so I've got even more to thank her for this year.
I can't wait to get home now though. As much as I appreciate them letting me stay there, it's not helping my PMA. It hopefully won't be long now and I can get things moving on that front.

All 4 kids put messages on FB to W, each had a photo of them as a baby with her, and one with her now. The old ones bought back some really happy memories for me and the ones with W now are all so nice. One thing we've always agreed on is no matter our differences, we made great looking kids.
W looked beautiful too, less stressed after yesterday's talk. I'm glad.

Back to work tomorrow, lots to do. I need to make some calls about the finances too and get things going now. I'm back in the gym after work then seeing S13 in the evening. I'll be getting an early night tonight, I need to get my head back in the game and keep this optimism flourishing.

I'm determined to come through this a better person.

Barry.

[Barry]

I've had a good day today. I'm glad I talked with STBXW on Saturday, it's really helped me. For the first time, I actually believe the words I'm saying.
I felt like a liar before, and worst of all, I was lying to myself.
It's totally ok to "fake it till you make it"...just don't forget that it's fake.

But I made, I'm here in the land of STBXH's and although I'm still hurting about the sitch, it's more a dull ache than a stabbing pain right now.
Don't get me wrong , I'm sure there'll be dark days ahead when the D starts but for now, I'm feeling much more positive about the future.

I spoke with the bank today and things might move fairly quickly now on the finance front, I have a meeting on Wednesday with them. The woman there is very keen to help me, and said she will do all she can to push things along.
(It doesn't hurt that she's extremely attractive and about my age lol).

I also called an online divorce company today to find out more about how they operate. Does anyone know anything about online divorces, or has anyone heard of any pitfalls or bad experiences? I could file for around £800 ($1200) total with them compare to thousands with solicitors. They seem to be credible from the reviews I've read, and they had all the answers to my many questions. I'd appreciate any thoughts on this from you guys.

Sorry, I know most people are here trying to bust or remedy their D's, I can't stop mine so the more I know about it the better.

I must go, just about to take D16 to dance, then off to the gym.
Meeting a friend after for an hour or so then an early night.

Take care all,

Barry.

[25yearsmlc]

Barry


The only online divorces I saw were brought to me b/c they did NOT work. That was in the USA however.

When there are children and or real estate, I am hard pressed to see any advantage to an online divorce. YES I know they are cheaper but if you make a mistake on the title or in the agreement, there will be he11 to pay later and you sure won't save ANY money.

To ME, a divorce when there are children and real estate, is like surgery. I don't want an online version; I want a surgeon.

I'm a lawyer myself, but I didn't file on my own. I hired a divorce lawyer b/c I knew that "representing yourself means you have a fool for a client".

If there were NO property issues and NO children and all issues were agreed upon,

sure, then I'd probably get a "Do it yourself divorce." (In my practice I have seen ONE DIY divorce succeed. There were no kids and no real estate and the marriage was only about 2 years).

Otherwise, I think it's penny wise and pound foolish.

But I'm biased and I'm in the US. Maybe it's a whole lot different in the UK.

If you are certain that saving money is worth the increased risk, What would it cost to have a lawyer review whatever you and your wife write up?

Can you pay for a few hours of their time?

[Barry]

Hi 25years. Thanks for stopping by again

Here's the thing. At the moment, we are agreeing on all aspects of the divorce. I'm coming out of it much better than W, but it's what she wants..it was her offer.

Neither of us can afford to pay the extortionate sums of money lawyers charge when divorcing in the UK, but you're right, it wouldn't hurt to get one to look at it to make sure it's all correct. It may cost around £500 at a guess (a couple of hours work for them).
It wouldn't be a "DIY" divorce as such, you do actually get a lawyer drawing up the documents, and it does help that we're in agreement about all the assets, children, debts etc.

I still need to check it out properly before I do anything of course. Ultimately, it's as you say....cost vs. risk.

The main reason I'm filing at all is because of the financial risk, so in that respect, I don't want there to be any at all.
That does increase the cost significantly though.

[Barry]

W also had a bit of an issue with me last night. It may not seem like a big deal but it annoyed me to be honest.

I visited a friend which is quite close to my W's older sisters house. My SIL texted me asking how I was doing, said she'd seen my car parked close by and said to pop in for a coffee and it would be nice to see me. We've always got on really well so I did briefly stop by. She is also the only in-law that lives locally.

I told her that things were going to go more smoothly from now on as I'm moving on and letting go. I said I still loved W but that I had to let her go so that we could both find happiness again. I made SIL a promise before we were married, that I'd always do the right thing by W and would look after her. Unfortunatly, the right thing now is to divorce.

SIL actually got a little upset about how sad it was that this was happening. Everyone thought we'd be together forever and it's a bit of a shock to them all (her family). I told her to try and not be sad about it, and ultimatly she needs to just be there for W now. I said that I'd keep in touch but that it was obviously going to be difficult for me to be (emotionally) part of their family now when (legally), I won't be.

I wish it wasn't like that, I have 4 lovely nieces, and I've always been close to all my in-laws. Anyway, SIL asked me to let W know that I'd been to visit her which I said I would. We agreed that if W wasn't happy with that, I wouldn't visit again.

This is how the conversation went...

B "I saw SIL tonight, she wanted you to know. It won't be a regular occurance, I hope you're ok with that?"
W "Whatever"
B "Would you prefer I didn't speak to your family again"
W "It's not up to me, it's up to them. They can make their own choices"
B "So no then"
W "I really don't mind either way, I don't need texts informing me after the event"

I didn't text back anything after that but it was the "they can make their own choices" part that annoyed me.

I know that technically they're not going to be my family for much longer but they still are at the moment. I don't want to fall out with any of them (and they don't with me either). I didn't say anything to SIL that I wouldn't have said in front of W, it was actually all very innocent. I was trying to set SIL's mind at ease about the sitch.

I suppose I DO need to sever the ties with all her family now though, it's just something else W has stolen from me along with my dreams and half my grandchildren when they come along.

I may tell W to let her family know that she would prefer that they didn't contact me at all, and that I won't them either but it's not MY choice for it to be that way.

Anyway...onwards and upwards.

[Sotto]

Hi Barry. I think it's true that your W's family will make their own choices and some may well want to keep in touch, which is great if you do too. I wouldn't feel that you have lost them just yet.