Card29 XI - Journey

[Mozza]

Hello Card29,

I realize I've been silent for several weeks but I'm always excited to see your thread come up to the top.

The tattoo tells me that your W is in an open space at the moment, looking for herself. I know this is how I feel too, experimenting with things that I never thought would be in my life or part of me, and not knowing what will stick. I can even say that I've considered a tattoo, which is really weird if you knew me. I was talking to a social worker this week with experience with martial counseling and she was saying that the person who changes the most after an S is the one who remains single. In that sense, it's too bad that your W has found a bf (I understand correctly?) because she sounds like she has work to do.

By the way, it's great to see yet another example of why mindreading is pointless. We have really no idea of what's going on on the other side and we tend to make things much worse than they are.

I'd like to recommend a new book to you because I remember how much pursuing you were doing and I think that it's hard-wired in you when you're interested in someone, that if you're not pursuing WW right now, it's because you're detached. The book is "Models: Attract Women Through Honesty". I'd dare say that it's the dating version of NMMNG. It's not a pick-up artist book. The general gist is that you'll attract women if you're honest with yourself and with them. The first part talks about what attracts women and it's really in line with DR too. There's also a section that's more practical about avoiding the friendzoning. That's actually what made me think of the book when I read your update.

[Card29]

Thanks for the recommendation, I'll definitely check it out. I feel like I'm on the same page as many other guys here. Not looking to become a pick-up artist, just more attractive as a man.

Regarding WAW's current R. I'm not telling her this but I give it like 5% chance. She hasn't been single for more than a couple of weeks in over 11 years. I do think she's tried to do some work, she has been going regularly to therapy. But she is still in crisis mode. And it's not super smooth with this guy. He has 3 kids, so scheduling is hard. They've only been together for 6 weeks, but that is with 1 break-up and another almost break-up last week. If she confides with me again about serious problems in her R, I'm just going to tell her that I think the best thing for her is to be single for a few months and focus on herself.

[uRworthy]

Hey Freddy. No matter how prepared we think we are, when we get the papers it still throws us some. Just something to work through and you will.

Good call on the 19 year old...just sayin. .

As far as your wife, she is still spinning. She is still trying to find the thing that is going to make her feel better. But that's not going to happen until she looks within and does the work. But none of that is in your control, right?

Oh and about telling her she should be single? Yea, not your place, nor your problem, ya know? She's got to figure it out on her own. You have to let her.

Just keeping it real...cuz I care about you.

[Card29]

Please continue to keep it real, uR! I was thinking about my "I'm going to tell her she should be single" comment and was already thinking better of it.

Nothing major going on with me right now. My college/friend/roommate just got back from Europe. He'll be my roommate for the next 4-5 months. His wife will join us in mid-May. We're all in a 2 bedroom apartment. I think we'll fit, though. They are minimalists (actually, they're just European) and I am striving to get to that point. I'm realizing that "more stuff" means "less room, more to clean/organize" rather than "happier". We're all also very easy going and flexible. It should work.

Nothing extremely notable on the dating front. Life is generally good right now.

[Card29]

Tomorrow will be a weird groundbreaking moment. I'll be staying at WAW's apt, alone with D2 and our dog, while she's out of town. She's giving me a key to her place tonight.

Long story short: We split custody of our dog. She has anxiety around strange men, and my roommate just moved back in. I want to try to ease the transition for everyone, so I want to avoid having the dog over for at least a couple weeks when he's back. She's out of town tomorrow night and couldn't find a good kennel that wasn't full. So the easiest solution for every party was for me to stay there (D2 already has her room, dog will already be there and I can just leave her there Wed morning when I go to work).

[uRworthy]

Hey Freddy...how are you doing?

[Card29]

I am excellent, thank you for asking, uR! I'm amazed at how far I've come in 9 months and even the last 4 months. I couldn't even breathe last summer, and I still had nights of misery in December. Those days are long since last.

I've been thinking about a couple of things lately that I learned from here. I'm realizing that they aren't specifically DB tips, but ways to live every day:

- Don't want what you can't have.
- Listen/validate. I realized that very similar advice is in the happiest toddler on the block. It is important with coworkers, on dates, etc. It should just be part of life

I'm not vigorously pursuing dating, although some things have been happening organically. Nothing serious, all so much fun. The thing with sis's friend is still kind of out there. She's still not ready, I think. And I suspect she might move away. My sis (her best friend) is a traveling nurse. She's on a rotation in San Diego and they're (sis and BIL) in love with it. They're going to stay there semi permanently. Sis's friend is visiting in a month and we all already know she's going to love it. She doesn't have a lot of strings tying her down here. But we'll see what happens. I've had the feeling she's not totally interested in me - but then when sis and BIL were in town over the weekend, we all went out. End of the night, BIL (who has known sis's friend for years) drove her home. He knows I'm into her (and she does too). They apparently had a talk, even though she was many drinks into the night, and her hesitation with me hasn't been lack of attraction but a fear of hurting her friendship with sis. I respect that, even though I don't think it could go bad enough to upset it (I easily forgave WAW, and she has no bitterness in her). But I'm not anxious about it. I still don't think she's ready, so I'm not pursuing her at the moment. I want to see what happens with her SD trip and how she feels after that. Is most of the way across the country and I don't want something with me clouding her decisions.

A couple of interesting things with WAW lately.

I met her BF. They've been together 2 months and has been spending more and more time at WAW's apt, overnight I'm sure. Since he's around D2 so much, it was time to meet him. I was very calm and even friendly. Meant it genuinely. I didn't have an ounce of animosity. He was nervous as heck, so was WAW. Found that funny. The next day, WAW complimented my attitude. Not the first time she's remarked about it the last month or so

Earlier this week she invited me to dinner (for last night). I figured it was a "keep the peace" and "hang out with D2" kind of thing. Turns out she is extremely lonely. She hinted at that earlier in the week when she said she was jealous of my large extended family in town (the same family she exiled from our house for the last 7 years...but anyway). Besides her BF she literally has no one she's close to in our city anymore. Her 4 best friends all moved away in the last 3 years. No family here. Turns out that's what the dinner was about. I got there, bringing half of the dinner. Ate. We were just kind of sitting around afterwards, and I was extremely tired. Said I was probably going to head home. She was really disappointed, saying, "I was hoping you were going to hangout. I've really missed our friendship. I know I screwed it up, but I just miss it, you know?" Her BF is in China on business. I don't know if that's a coincidence with the dinner invite, or what. I hung out for a while and talked to her about what was going on with her. Apparently her newest somewhat close friend is now moving away, too. That's only part of it though. I feel bad for her but know I can't fix it. I encouraged her to join a small group at her church. That's where we met the best friends we had from 2006-2011.

[Mozza]

Thank you for the update. I look forward to them. I'm impressed you met the BF. For me, in some seven months I haven't met OM and he's never even mentioned, not even obliquely. You say he's around D2 but what does it change if you meet him? What can you do about it?

I'm also very interested in your WW loneliness because mine is in the same situation or even worse. We are in my home country so it's all my family and friends here. She had colleagues she liked when she left me but she said herself that they had since left their jobs. Like yours, my WW is pretty much left alone with her OM in a foreign town. He's also an immigrant so network there.

As for the dating, anything else happening that you're not telling us?

[Card29]

I agree about "what can I do about it" with BF. I just felt like if anything, at least he knows that D2's dad cares enough about her to do that. Mainly, we had almost met a couple of times, like during drop offs or pickups, and WAW had to come out to the car or whatever. This was at least a known, controlled meet so it would make future D2 activities more normal

Other dating stuff...a couple of girls with 1 or 2 dates. the main thing has been trying to make the right decisions with sis's friend. One thing I've left out is that she is staggeringly beautiful. Of course I'm attracted to her, but it's her personality and her dreams that I love about her. She wants almost exactly what I want in life. But I left out her attractiveness because when my sister was first nudging me towards her, I was just breaking out of my insecurities of the WAW split. I am not terrible looking, but definitely not on par with her. So it's really pushed me out of my comfort zone, in a good way, to actually ask her out on dates. Helps that she's said yes a couple of times.

Because of all of that, though, I feel amazing now, regardless of what happens with her. Not amazing about how I look, il since that hasn't changed. Just feels great to be comfortable being myself. I'll be really bummed if she moves to SD, but I'll survive

[uRworthy]

Hey Freddy...I am over here smiling.

First of all, I think it was great that you met the BF. Good on you for wanting to meet someone who is going to be around your child a lot. You handled it with dignity and class. So proud of you.

Here's an inside secret. We women arent all about the looks.

I can totally understand how your sister's friend feels. Her friendship with your sis is really important to her. While you may think that if something goes wrong it wont affect the frienship, there is no guarantee. So, she is being very careful.

I think you have a great handle on how you are approaching it with her.

As far as your xw, she is starting to realize that the grass isnt greener...thats a sad thing for her. I love your compassion regarding what she is going through.

I am so freakin proud of you, sweetie. You are doing wonderfully.

Keep going. I will be over here...rooting you on.