Life after D - 01 - going from dark to light

[gogofo]

Long post alert!!!

I am starting this thread because things have changed in my life and I want a new thread with a new topic.

The D and my XW
She is a WW and used the D to give her the freedom she needs to carry on without or with less guilt. I have been trying to come to grips with the fact that she chose to go back to the EA/PA. She has been dishonest with me recently about a trip she is taking with OM this weekend. This used to hurt, but she is not my W and she is not the person I fell in love with, or want to be in a M/R with.

I have gained a new or clearer perspective on who she is and how she has been acting. The W I was hung up on and wanting to be in a R with has not been around since late December. With the discovery of the A I have looked back at us and can tell when she had her heart in the R and when she didn’t. If she can’t commit to the M, I shouldn’t be committed to her. The girl I fell in love with is not around any more. It is sad. She is in love with OM and will be chasing that down on her journey.

Thanks to WW post that Sandi has started I also know that I cannot be her friend, nor do I want to be her friend. She chose to end our family and our M, so that ends our R. I will not be her side piece. I was her side piece for quite a while and I am done.

I have not been warm to her, but I have been cordial. Yesterday I was getting things out or the house we were sharing and she was milling around in my area. I was only answering questions and briefly at that. She was hanging around while I was in the closet and I left her hanging. When I returned she just gave me the a silent “are you going to say anything” look. I did not see anything and she just said “um..? okay” and left the room. This is a new action from me and will be continued as we are not longer in a M and I refuse to be her friend. Co-parent for sure, but not a friend.

My new life in my house.
I slept in my new home for the first time Sunday and it was nice. Getting it set up has been a lot of work and will continue to be for a while as I work to get settled. It is pretty great to be in my own place away from the memories and feelings associated with being around my XW and her house. It was kind of a complete circle as the last nights I spent in that house were in her old bedroom in the basement where I used to climb out of the window in the middle of the night so I didn’t wake the house up when we were dating 10 years ago.

The kids will be with me at least 40% of the time and they will spend their first night here on Tuesday. They will be excited and dad is going to make this house the best place he can for his boys.

My emotions.
I am feeling more and more stable. I have good friends and family around me whom I have been talking to more and they have been a great help. I have friends who have been through this kind of thing before and even if their situations were not the same as mine, their pain and feelings were similar.

I got a different perspective on what was going on when one of my friends was talking about trying to save his 7 year R with his baby’s momma. He told me that his emotions were up and down while trying to save his R and then he was kicked out one last time after she decided to quit leading him on for a year or better. The phrase that got me was “leading him on”. This really put what was going on during the last year in a different perspective. I never thought about it as leading me on, but I think there is some truth to this, especially with a WW.

Recently I have been missing being in love. It took me a while to figure it out, but I miss being in love because my XW wasn’t loving towards me since mid December. When it was there right before the end it was intense and it also was during the mid summer. I miss being in a loving R and it is something I want in the future. I have had some wondering eyes lately, but need to remind myself that I am not ready to be emotionally connected with someone right now.

My GAL plans
I will be unpacking random boxes and putting the house together when I am at home.

I have started a 30 day exercise challenge from a website started by Neila Rey, today was day 1. The website is awesome and most all of the exercises do not require equipment so I can do them at home, look it up on the web it is very inspiring. I feel that if I can commit and stay focused on the 30 day challenge I will not be thinking about the XW. I would really like to make daily exercise a part of my lifestyle.

This Wednesday my friends local punk band will be playing with a pretty big time punk band at a local venue. A couple of my friends are going with me and it will be really fun, take me back to my youth.

This weekend I will have a friend and his boy over to hang out and play. I will really need it and need the distraction so I don’t think about the W and the OM. Still a little fresh in the D to be strong enough to not have her actions sting.

My planned changes
I am laying off of the self help books for now. My WW had me twisted up at the end of the R thinking that I still had a ton of work to do on myself and that I hadn’t changed. I felt insulted and confused when she said this and believed her. With clarity and separation from trying to save the M I can see how she felt things had not changed much, it was because she has been high on the OM. This puts me into a crappy light in the R and I am sure she felt things haven’t changed because she is back to where she was.

One of the last talks we had she even said that I hadn’t changed, amended her statement and said that I had changed. Then she started to spew about how she felt taken advantage of.

So I plan on reading a Vietnam book about my father’s infantry group. I also want to rewatch Band of Brothers and read some WWII books. I think I will find some inspiration in these war stories and how people persevered under terrible circumstances.

Things are looking up for me and I am feeling stronger and know that this is the start of a new beginning for me.

[TenBook]

Gogofo, what would you have done differently had you known you were being lead on?

[Sherman333]

Wow... to be told all the stuff about how you had not changed. Sounds like she's telling you her impression and guilt to allow her to proceed with it all.

She's manipulating your feelings that's for sure.

If you had any advice for my situation, I'd appreciate it. I'm still reeling from the collapse and could use some thoughts.

[gogofo]

Gogofo, what would you have done differently had you known you were being lead on?

I don't know if I was being "lead on" per say, but I do believe that there were times I was seen as option B.

What I would have done differently is not concentrate on saving the M so much and to slow down. I was overly attached and it did nothing but damage. I was so hung up on "us" that I stopped working on me.

I would have went to MC when W mentioned it, or pushed for it when I mentioned it. We both denied it at different times because we were feeling strong.

At the end the biggest change I would have made would be to follow Sandi's advice about WW. I don't think I would have been strong enough to do it, but wish I would have done it. I would hope that if I read that thread and had that knowledge prior I would have gutted it out and treated her like a WW.

I had a lot of advice from the vets and their advice was basically what Sandi has posted. It makes more sense now after getting some perspective and it also helps to have it all laid out into one thread. This new thread of her's is probably one of the most powerful threads I have read in quite some time on this forum. It is gold Pony Boy, gold!

[Wonka]

GoFo,

At least, it isn't Gold Pony Poop!

You sound soo much better these days and I am happy to read of your progress. What a change from a month ago, eh?!

Keep going...eyes forward.

[gogofo]

Thanks Wonka, I am trying to get better. The biggest realization and pain came from the way my XW had been acting and treating me. She was not the person I was in love with. She would not be someone I would be pursuing a R with with her current actions.

She is no longer the honest, open, committed, caring and loving person I loved. It is sad but it is the truth. She is high on OM and the feelings she has from that R. Maybe one day we could be together again, maybe not. I am not going to sit around and wait for that day. I deserve happiness and a great R and it will come one day when the time is right.

I picked up my boys overnight last night and dropped them off this morning. Kind of a weird situation. I didn't know how I would feel and react emotionally. It was awkward. I think the XW and I were both expecting some sort of reaction out of each other.

She had packed up some clothes for me in a suitcase for the boys and said for me to bring the suitcase back and she will put more in there for me. She is on spring break so she has been going through her house cleaning etc.

This morning she expected me to drop the boys off early in the morning, before 7:00 because that is when I start work. Well I decided to restructure my work schedule and not take lunches and work late so I can be a full parent and get the boys ready for work and to the bus, etc.

XW was surprised by this because it would be easier to just drop them off. Yes it would, but that is not the point. I do not want to rely on XW and have her do my parental duties on the mornings that I have the kids. I am a man and can take care of my kids on my own. I am also an amazing father and no one can take that away from me.

Tonight I am going to see one of my favorite punk bands with a couple of my good friends from my punk days. It is going to rule.

My workout routine is kicking my legs and butt into soreness big time. It is good though. I want to keep committed and rise through the difficulty to build a better and healthier body and mind.

[gogofo]

Had a rough afternoon child exchange today. When I went to get the boys my oldest started to cry uncontrollably and kept repeating "I want mommy".

When he started into it my XW thought he was just being difficult and gave him a time out. He kept sobbing all through it and I tried to console him. He just kept repeating it over and over again at a loud volume while crying really hard.

I tried to get his shoes on and so did my XW. She told him that mommy and daddy needed to talk in the other room. She then told me that if I wanted they could stay there tonight as she didn't have to teach and had nothing going on. I just replied, No it is my night to have the kids and I want to be with them.

My oldest kept in it as I loaded the youngest in the truck. When I came back in I had to pull him from my XW's arms and carry him out as he cried for her the whole time. She didn't look at us as it appeared that she was crying.

Wow was I mad at her. I still am right now. I just feel like "see what you have done to our kids and our family! I hope you feel this is worth it to have our son feel this way!" I know, blaming blah blah blah. But I am really upset.

I think her fantasy that everything is going to be okay and look how cool it is that you have two houses may have got a reality check today. I also hope it hurt her to the core, she deserves to feel the pain of the situation.

Am I feeling vindictive, yes. Did I say or do anything to rub it in her face, no. This is her cross to bare and she can do it alone.

There was no way I was going to give up my night with my boys. I know she didn't want to deal with the fact that our oldest was upset and wanted him to get his way, but this is not how our family works anymore. We are divorced and this is what happens with divorced families and kids. It svcks and it hurts, but this is the reality.

I should have been more upset when he was crying when we left, but I was so mad at the situation that his crying just made me more upset. Once at my house he continued to cry and wail and repeat I want mommy for about 25 minutes straight while I held him and rubbed his back and told him I love him.

I have empathy for him now, but not for her. She deserves to feel this pain and have her actions show her that life is not just about her and her OM and how she feels.

Is it wrong that I want her to be hurt by the pain that is caused by the D?

I feel a little responsible about the D, but I would have worked on fixing any problems that we had as long as it was not an open M.

[TenBook]

Part of the healing and moving on process is to take full accountability for our parts in ending the M. Guilt is ahead of denial.

[Sotto]

Hi Gogofo. Sorry you had a difficult exchange. I think that part of the week can be a bit of a flashpoint, and I can remember SS being upset both going and coming. On Friday evenings, we always took a pretty relaxed approach, knowing he could feel sensitised about things. It can be hard for kids to make the transition from one household to another.

I think your feelings of anger and blame towards your W are yours to own. There are no easy points to be on the affair triangle. I think it's important that kids know that when they are going to Dad's, they are going to Dad's. And when I'm at Dad's, he will look after me and take care of me whatever happens. Not - maybe if I'm upset, I can stay with Mum, or vice versa. To me that's an important boundary and gives some certainty and stability.

Hope things improve for you next time around. It can be helpful to build a bit of anticipation with the kids too - when you come on Friday, we'll finish reading the little puppy story etc...

[Sherman333]

I'm sorry for your struggle and think it's normal to feel the way you do.

Key thing is to own it for you and forgive for you. Lack of forgiveness will impact your happiness. It is absolutely not for her with what she's done.