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[Underdog]

Ohhhh, thanks for the book recommendation! I'll go check that out on my kindle.

I hear you on the fire and brimstone. I can't picture that as well. I don't think my bro gave off that vibe. When he was using, he was a horrible person. When he wasn't, he was sweet and thoughtful. Unfortunately, he was a heavy drug user since he was 16, and his periods of sweetness were outnumbered by his rap sheet. We all figure if he's in a good place, then fire and brimstone isn't in our general reality either. Besides, it just doesn't fit in my beliefs about the afterlife. In my brother's case, his death was the indirect result of the choices he made, and he hurt people all along the way. We all loved him and forgave him, and I think he feels an obligation to help all of us who did love him. I think that's kind of cool. I've been a student since the late 90s, when I kept getting visits from my late grandmother. Now my sister and SIL are in the wagon as well.

Yes, D21 has a sweet BF who is adored by everyone in my family. They texted us photos of her first legal drink right after midnight Saturday. She apparently indulged in too many cranberry vodka drinks and suffered yesterday. Her penance was having a study group meeting yesterday afternoon and an intramural volleyball game at dinner time, followed with her conditioning this morning at 6:00 am. HAHAHAHA! Yes, my prayers were answered there.

D17 turns 18 a week from tomorrow. I have a CPR/First Aid class on Wednesday, which will complete my required classes before they allow me to become her caregiver. I have a few more months of other required classes too. We got the emergency medical POA done 2 weeks ago, which is what was really my big stressor. The court visitor came to see me and Mr. Wonderful last week, and submitted her report to the judge on Friday, so we *should* get our hearing date for the guardianship this week. They said it will probably be in April some time (4-6 weeks after the court receives the report from the visitor). I'll feel better with all of this behind me. It's been emotionally draining.

My babies are growing up...

[whatisis]

I think God takes into account the struggles people have and the fact that we are broken people would certainly mean heaven will be a pretty empty place if He didn't! Each of us can only do our best with what we have and honestly, addiction is already hell! In the SDA we don't believe you go anywhere right after death. Our belief is that you sleep until the second coming and then judgment is made. Btw, we also believe hell is a quickie and not suffering for eternity. Just sayin'

[Underdog]

Wonka,

Thanks for the book recommendation. I read it that night. LOTS of things in common between my brother and Billy. Billy got a few more decades of life than my brother, but there were lots of similarities. Right down to the part where they gave good massages. The author could have been me. Only I had the chance to see my brother a few weeks before he passed away.

I appreciated the levity to it all, though I will admit that I cried on and off all the way through it. I'm just grateful for the gifts his passing gave me and the rest of my family. It's been humbling and a good exercise overall.

Take care-
Bets

[Wonka]

Bets,

I am glad you enjoyed the Billy Fingers book...I'm always learning new things about the mysteries of life after death.

Wii,

Amen to people doing their best with what they have. That's the spirit! If we're more forgiving and loving of one another, then there'd be more peace all over the world. Neighbors are too quick to get their dukes up....and get into really silly arguments over 'stuff.'

Calm down, people! Ya know....

Journaling

I am facing some stress concerning my stepmother. As of last week, she's had mini-stroke(s) that has caused her to bleed internally in the head which has impacted her vision. I have not seen her on the advice of my aunt--her sister.

Man, it's been hard!

I've been in constant text and phone contact with my aunt. I learned that when she went for her neuro/MRI visit this morning, he was alarmed enough to have her to be admitted to the local hospital. It looks like my stepmother will be in the hospital for the next few days.

What this means is that this vision loss is permanent. That is a blow for my stepmother as she will not be able to drive any longer...no more stops to grocery shopping, or even pop out for ciggies. That is a real loss of freedom for her.

Right now, we do not know the extent of the internal bleeding and its effects on her. All we do know for certain that her left peripheral vision is affected in both eyes. What this means in the long term...we don't know yet at this point.

Bottom line is this: I will get more and more involved with caring for her in addition to my grandmother who will be celebrating her 87th birthday soon. Thank goodness that my aunt is retired and is able to help out when she can...the only problem is that she lives 3 hours away whereas I am fairly close by and can drive out quickly. My two cousins (her other granddaughters) are 6 hours away by car so that's a bit tricky.

So I plan to visit my stepmother at the hospital tomorrow for the first time and see for myself how she's doing in addition to learning more details on her situation.

[job]

Wonka,
I'm so sorry to hear this news. I will keep your stepmother in my thoughts and prayers.

[edz]

Sorry to hear this Wonka,

I wasn't in exactly the same position but did go through my Mothers palliative care (she was in her 40s sadly) so I know the stress, upset and pain it brings.

I hope your Stepmum remains otherwise healthy, well and recovers as much as she can and send nothing but my best wishes and positive thoughts to you both.

Edz

[Underdog]

Wonka,

I'm so sad to read your news today. I will keep all of you in my prayers.

I told someone a couple weeks ago that I understand why people my age drop dead. We get finished raising ourselves and our children, and then have to take care of our aging parents and relatives. It's tough.

Sounds like you are solution focused, and I'm sure what you guys come up with will be the best thing for all involved.

Hugs.

Bets

[HeavyD]

Wonka

I am sorry to learn of this news.

You and your family are in my prayers.

Foolish

[Wonka]

Thank you Job, edz, Bets, F for the kind words.

Welll.....welll...where shall I start?

Bottom line, my stepmother cannot be alone and needs someone with her in case something happens to her. As I said, she's lost her peripheral vision and that was an adjustment for her (and all of us). After discharge from the hospital, the first two days were disorienting for her as she tried to navigate through the house without her full sight.

On top of the vision issue, the discharge papers included a bunch of scripts and a new insulin plan. So we all have had to re-learn everything and get things organized. It seemed that the hospital forgot one script for one medication. That will be sorted out this afternoon when she visits with her PCP doctor.

Family members have been taking turns in rallying around to assist her with medications and insulin shots. Ultimately, it will be me and my aunt who will be looking after my stepmother primarily. Eventually, we will look into home care options for her. There may be some home modifications...such as the bathroom and bathtub/shower area.

In short, it has been a very steep learning curve for everyone.

During this process, I had a very slow realization and epiphany about myself. I believe I've come to a full circle about my own MLC. The realization was that if this had happened while I was in the midst of my own MLC...you can bet your sweet bippy that I wouldn't be able to cope and be the rock for my stepmother that I am today.

I washed the dishes for several days after lunch and dinner and I was CONTENT to do them. In recalling the contrasts between my MLC addled days and now, I am amazing that I am even able to tackle a gaggle of dirty dishes. For some reason, I was able to recall how I couldn't cope with dirty dishes during my MLC phases. I literally would just walk away from the dining room after a family meal/holiday/event so someone will need to step in and do them.

It is very, very interesting how I've evolved from being a wacky MLCer and being somewhat put-together these days. Sometimes I do think that God/Universe does work in mysterious ways through people and situations. Otherwise, I would not have been able to support my late father through his lung cancer battle nor my stepmother's current health crisis. Fascinating how incidents, situations, and events are viewed through the prism of 20-20 hindsight.

Oh and Ms. Wonka and I have been in constant touch via email during this latest development. I reached out to her and informed her about this whole situation as I sensed that this is something that Ms. Wonka would want to know about. I've found that Ms. Wonka has been incredibly supportive and validating to me throughout this process. Isn't she reading the DB book now??! Ha.

[Underdog]

Wonka,

Well, it's awesome to know that you have support - including the kind offered by the former Ms. Wonka. Although I'm in a different set of shoes, I can appreciate how positive it is to be supported by those around us. I'm glad of that for you.

Experience has taught me that steep learning curves are tough but usually life altering ones, and ones with lessons that have long term effects. Overall, positive ones. I'm sorry that it's been so grueling.

For some reason, I was able to recall how I couldn't cope with dirty dishes during my MLC phases. I literally would just walk away from the dining room after a family meal/holiday/event so someone will need to step in and do them.

I think this generally illustrates our human tendency to avoid pain by walking away. I think it manifests itself in a variety of ways. For example, while I never physically walked out on my family, there *were* periods where I had emotionally checked out and wasn't a spouse or parent who was giving a level of effort that is expected. That was in the later half of my 30s, and I kind of cringe when I think about some of the specifics. I do believe looking back that it was a crisis that didn't go deep and the collateral damage was much less than when Mr. Wonderful walked out. At any rate, you weren't the first to be overwhelmed by life, and you won't be the last.

The positive is that you're in a much better place to offer assistance. And the better news is that you're willing to do it. So applaud yourself for being diligent in understanding how you got where you are.

I told a friend earlier today that I think this decade (50s) is probably the toughest yet. We're kind of the sandwich generation - taking care of older parents/relatives while still trying to take care of kids, holding down demanding jobs and hoping like hell we won't drop dead of a heart attack. I wish I were kidding...

Anyway, I'm glad you can be there for your stepmother.

I've found that Ms. Wonka has been incredibly supportive and validating to me throughout this process. Isn't she reading the DB book now??!

This is a testimony of the path you've taken, my dear. Healing has occurred and you've both grown. I've found it interesting that nearly all my relationships are supportive and validating. But maybe because I've put forth an effort to be that way with others too? What goes around comes around?

Funny you mention the epiphany. I had a little one this morning sitting at a long stop light on my way to work. Out of the blue, I uttered aloud, "Thank you for not making me assume executorship at the same time I'm going through this guardianship crap. I don't think I could have managed this." Ten years ago, I would have. But I wasn't in touch with how I felt, and I'd have been pushing aside how I feel in the name of getting everything accomplished. Being older and wiser is a really good thing. I just wish I had my 42 year old body and flexibility???

If anything, Wonka, my guess is that this process will further drive in the importance of cherishing each moment and loving your stepmother as long as she's here to accept your offer?

Hugs-
Bets