Barrybran - A Year On

[gan]

Hi Barrybran, Sorry to hear about the rough couple of days. It's funny how these little experiences remind us of the work that still needs to be done, independent of R. I often have similar reflections.

In reality it's a lifetime of work. Even if we handle the next moment perfectly, it doesn't mean we'll cruise through the next one. Each and every moment requires conscious awareness of the need for patience, acceptance of different ways of seeing things etc. My yoga instructor said the other day - mindfulness takes a lifetime. She's right!

[Barrybran]

Yeah, you've got that right. Not sure how to handle the 'be aware of the unexpected' part though

[Barrybran]

I'll get the positive bit out of the way first. I went on holiday, my kids were angels and we had a great time. I have support on both sides of my family and they're all hoping things pan out on this side of he country.

Now the bad stuff. Things got downright crazy today. My sister in law started got engaged to, and moved in with, a man who is allegedly a registered sex offender. Her life, her choice but she has three daughters, two of whom are 11 and 12, and when child services found out, given her history with them, they arranged a mass family conference to sort the situation out (which I was not a part of).

Fast forward 7.5 hours and I have me, my kids, my wife, my sister-in-law and my three nieces staying with me. My wife asked if I would look after my nieces which I said yes to. What I wasn't told at the time was that my wife and SIL were staying too. It took a hell of a lot to STFU, calm myself down, think through things and I still don't have any ideas how I'm going to tackle the situation right now.

I would do absolutely anything for my nieces so they are no problem other than the fact that I barely have enough money to feed three kids let alone six. I'm uncomfortable with my SIL staying but part of the condition was to try and keep her family together so I can be the bigger person for the sake of her girls. I definitely don't have enough money to cover four extra people AND my housework just doubled. My wife staying, that's a completely different kettle of fish. I am not comfortable with her staying here given her attitude, she has made subtle remarks all evening about things in the house and I am damn proud of how I've managed the house and kids since she's been gone. I know she doesn't see it but I received validation from both side of our family while on holiday so I know I'm doing a lot right.

To further complicate things, my wife was already considering leaving her job (65k/year) to move back here, which I get as she loves her family and friends. The kicker for me is that one of my government payments will halve, one will come into jeopardy altogether and I cannot afford to lose a payment. It looks like I'll have to make a phone call tomorrow to find out because I could be in serious trouble even though of put every foot right these past six months.

So yeah, that's where I'm at. If anyone has any thoughts or advice on how to handle my wife in particular, I would love to know, because I'm trying to keep the path smooth but some bastard keeps throwing large rocks in my wet cement.

Happy Monday DBer's

[Ggrass]

We'll sort govt bit out first, they will be easy.

I'm not sure what to do with w! If she wanted to move back to house surely it should be as a w, not a house guest?

Perhaps it's time to do some c sessions to work out where its all going?

Not sure what else to suggest, but if w wants d and you want to gal and perhaps date her being within the house might get wild and bizarre

[Barrybran]

It's been a while since you dealt with Dopeylink, huh?

I agree that I want my wife here as a wife rather than a houseguest. She's not here tonight but I don't know her plans for the rest of the week. She made a lot of negative comments within my earshot this morning, even saying she can't stay here, as though she was repulsed. I'm managing a half-acre block with 5-bedroom house, three kids and a dog on my own; not everything will be perfect and if I say so, I'm doing an awesome job.

Counseling is not on the cards. My wife shows mostly contempt towards me. She even mentioned divorce today for the first time, asking me to write a list of what furniture I wanted. I calmly responded that this was her choice and that I wasn't helping her, and to write a list herself if there was anything she wanted (I probably could have left this last part out . Her response was that we weren't getting back together which I didn't respond to.

Dating my wife is definitely not on the cards right now. I want things to work out but she is filled with so much hate at the moment that I don't like who she is right now. Until that changes, our relationship will continue to be difficult. Hopefully the fog lifts soon.

[Ggrass]

Nope, but centerwank is far easier to deal with than my h, I would prefer 5 rounds with them to one with him.

They at least pretend to the be helpful.

[Barrybran]

True. Just a pity they're not.

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

Its 1:15am here and I'm lying in bed, unable to sleep. I feel I still have jetlag as it is 10:15pm where I was last week, which is fairly early for me. I'm thinking about my wife moving back to my town and custody arrangements. Our kids will spend 50% of the time with each of us but I have this underlying feeling that coming to an agreement with my wife will be difficult. It shouldn't be; I have no reason to feel this way really. It's a nagging feeling I have.

I spoke to SIL tonight about what lies ahead. It's hard discussing something without discussing it. I feel I can't talk to anyone lately as my wife isn't interested in a word I say, someone around me has been twisting my words and my parents are cynics. They strayed into negative territory a few times while I was on holiday and I either shut them down or changed subjects. I know my wife doesn't like me much right now but she's still my wife. Speaking disparagingly about someone only does harm and the people who'll pay the most will be my kids, so I refuse to go there lately. It's meant biting my tongue a lot, particularly when talking to my wife, but it's better than saying something thoughtless or hurtful.

Being more mindful has had some funny consequences of late. An incident occurred this morning where my dog has become fond of a neighbour's dog of the opposite sex. He was trying to attract her attention today while I was hanging washing so I put him inside. My wife and D3 arrived home, the dog got out and raced next door. I'm not sure if my wife followed him but I saw no effort on her part. She hasn't been around to witness my dog's behaviour recently and she was carrying shopping inside so her priorities may have been different. After chasing my dog through two yards, catching him and bringing him home again, I was really pissed off.

I got back, dog in arm and my wife challenged me by telling me to express my anger at her. The strange part was that in a split second I calmed myself down, still very worked up, but enough that I could think straight. My wife wasn't to know that my dog was horny at the door. She explained that D3 opened the door to help my wife out and came looking for me when the dog got away. My wife was not at fault and oddly, I wasn't really annoyed at anyone in particular, just a situation that I'd rectified that got out of control without my supervision.

I'm not sure what my immediate future holds though I'm bracing for some severe turbulence. I feel very clear about what I need to do and yet I feel like a leaf in the wind, getting blown around by uncertainty at work and the unknown of my wife's actions. I have a lot of people in my corner on both sides of our family, which validates a lot of feelings about how I'm handling things but ultimately means little as far as dealing with my wife. I guess I'll just wait and see where I land.

1:45am now and still not tired :-)

[Barrybran]

Yesterday was a frustrating day. I had planned my day, let my SIL know what I had planned and got into my study. 15 minutes before I left for work, my wife messages me to tell me what she was doing, plans that were not discussed and interfered with my plans. As I was going to work, I spent the next five hours on and off debating via text message and getting nowhere. She felt that because I had the kids with me for ten days last week, she should have the kids all of this week. I understand her logic however she was supposed to leave town on Sunday. I have accommodated her presence and asked for the only two afternoons I had free, yesterday and today, to spend with the kids. This was a mission. Long story short, there was an error with the roster, I relented as I had to stay an extra hour and two of the kids chose to stay with me after work anyway.

My wife didn't seem to understand my frustration about dropping plans on me without prior discussion. She would be livid if I did the same to her and I told her this. My son had a presentation at his school assembly today so we both went (in separate cars; I was at work) and after school, the two that stayed with me yesterday chose to go with my wife today. I didn't argue the point as the kids chose and I want that flexibility when my wife moves back to town, provided it doesn't interfere with existing plans or budgets (dinner planning, etc.).

When my wife returned with the kids, she made more negative comments about the yard, asked my son to tidy up some rubbish and told me that the house smelled. Granted, the yard is a mess. I live on a half acre block and it's just me so I put more effort into the inside and the kids and put away half an hour when I can to do yard work. Telling me the house smelled cut me pretty deeply as I bust my butt to provide for the kids and keep the house in good order and its still not good enough. It means I'll have to put even more effort into cleaning and my time is already stretched as it is.

Finally, my wife told me she was going to claim a government payment that is currently being paid to myself and can only be paid to one parent. Her idea is that she will claim the payment for our two elder kids, who aren't biologically mine, and I claim for the youngest, who is. I crunched the numbers and while its feasible, it doesn't sit well with me. I'll have a chance to call the relevant department tomorrow to seek clarification.

[Barrybran]

I'd like some advice if anyone sees this. My wife has done some things lately that have bothered me that, in the scheme of things, are pretty minor but if they continue will cause some friction and they amount to double standards. Two days ago, I'd organised my day, let everyone in the house know what was happening, and my wife messaged me just before I left for work to tell me what she was doing with the kids, even though she hadn't discussed things with me first. Tonight, I was expecting her to bring the kids home after work as she told me she was, only to be told by SIL that the kids were staying elsewhere.

On the whole, this stuff used to happen all the time and I just rolled with it. Now, with 50/50 parenting coming up, I'd like some certainty with when I am spending time with the kids and if I changed plans on my wife the same way, she would go off her nut at me.

I don't want to pick fights, especially over little things, but I do feel the need to state some boundaries here. To add complication, she told me yesterday that she had been diagnosed with depression. Does anyone have any thoughts about how to handle stuff like this?