rppfl -- if someone makes you feel like you are not living up to their standard, then that is not a healthy relationship.
I know this with my head, Ahoy. But sometimes I still fall back into believing I'm not good enough for H. You know what his two main complaints were? 1. I have, at times in our M, been overweight. His complaint wasn't that I am fat now, but that over the past 20 years of birthing his children, I was not always thin. And that's true. 2. My closet, has been, in the past, messy. And that's true also. But we didn't share a closet.
And here's the crazy part. As stupid as those "reasons" sound, I deep down thought that there was something to it, that he wanted out because I wasn't perfect enough. And I can read that with my head and think how utterly stupid that is, but somehow it's just ingrained. I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't a good enough housekeeper (with three kids and a full time job and no help from him or anyone else). Deep down inside I still wonder if it's really all my fault.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Do you mean sexy as in whooooar (liam) or attractive (cheeeese cake or is it beef cake)?
In which ways are you measuring yourself against H? Looks, personality, parenthood, the ability to count chickens, the ability to turn heads?
V, I don't share your affinity for Liam, but I just think H is really good-looking. But here's the truth: I am, too. There were just so many years of hearing that I wasn't thin enough, and when I was dressed up I didn't hear that I looked nice, I heard that a different dress would look better or I had chosen the incorrect undergarment. I *never* heard that I was beautiful or even pretty, not even in the context of the bedroom. (OD, are you hearing me on this???)
I don't exactly know what all this means, except possibly that I'm one screwed up woman. But I need to go finish dinner and I"m headed to a meeting soon, so I'll check back later tonight.
Before my H, I had two great loves both of whom loved my body. So I know that I am beautiful in my own way. But plain V has emerged since I put on weight and I need to tackle this to feel really good.
Good Liam is mine (cackles, laughs and rubs hands)
Not screwed up RPP, just normal like the rest of us. When the one i loved was Unloving then I lost confidence and Plain V emerged.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 03/09/1511:43 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I'm feeling more positive this morning. H and I had a meeting at D12's school about placements for next year. As we were leaving, I started to go down the road of "poor me, no one to kiss me goodbye and tell me they'll see me for dinner" and then I thought, wait--I've got the whole day ahead of me to do whatever I want with and I can eat pancakes for dinner if I choose. So there. And I didn't think he was so sexy this morning.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Before my H, I had two great loves both of whom loved my body.
Yes! And good grief, isn't that a lot of fun? I want that again......
Last night I went to a sorority alumnae meeting, it was nice seeing them again, I don't go very often. It was nice to see them, and I met a couple of new sisters, too.
I really was being honesty earlier in my answer to bdub:
Originally Posted By: rppfl
The kiss was easy. He's the only guy I've been with for 27 years, it's all I know.
It was flattering. A sexy guy wanted to kiss me.
There was a slight bit of a power rush, I could have allowed the kiss or denied it, my choice. I could have had more, I turned it down.
I did not feel any hope or expectation, it doesn't change anything.
Let me take a short commercial break......
OK, I'm back from my break. And I stand by what I told bdub earlier. I meant it. But here's the thing. That was my reaction at the time, with my wine-soaked heart.
I can analyze all that in the light of day and come up with additional observations:
Yes, it was easy, but there are other experiences to be had out there. Choosing easy and comfortable is a big factor in finding myself where I am right now.
Yes, H is sexy, but he hasn't treated me like a wife in about a decade.
Yes, there was a power rush, but won't that be true of any guy who decides to kiss me in the future?
And there's still no hope or expectation, because one isolated anniversary kiss still doesn't mean squat. H doesn't live with me, and he doesn't want to live with me.
Last week when I went sailing I met a guy that was interesting. I've talked to him a couple of times since. And if it was him that kissed me instead of H, the only thing missing would be the easy. I could substitute exciting instead. And this guy hasn't treated me poorly for a lot of years.
It's not fair to compare new guy to H That sort of thinking is what cause H to take off in the first place.
With that being said, I know exactly what you meant, and why you said it. I just have to pick on you since I have not been around in a while!
The idae of not being attractive enough or good enough is an interesting topic. I have been going through this a little myself. I am stuck right now trying to decide if a lot of "not feeling attractive enough or good enough" was created in my head, and then reinforced by xw because my filters caused me to hear her words in a negative way because I was feeling unattractive.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
It's not fair to compare new guy to H That sort of thinking is what cause H to take off in the first place.
Fair enough. A spouse will never be able to compete with someone new. However, had H not left me, he wouldn't have had to.
Originally Posted By: bdub
The idae of not being attractive enough or good enough is an interesting topic. I have been going through this a little myself. I am stuck right now trying to decide if a lot of "not feeling attractive enough or good enough" was created in my head, and then reinforced by xw because my filters caused me to hear her words in a negative way because I was feeling unattractive.
That's possible. But it's not my filter that made me hear that I wasn't thin enough, that I would look better in something else (just as we were walking out the door), or that I somehow needed different clothes to make up for my physical shortcomings. That was just out there, nothing subtle about it. And I could have even taken that as constructive criticism had H ever given me the other side of it, if I had heard from him that I was actually beautiful, it's just that the dress didn't fit correctly. And I didn't mis-hear that, cause there was nothing to hear.
And I'm sure you are hot, bdub. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Just journaling a bit: I've seen H the past two days, parent meetings at the girls' schools. We've talked and texted about kid calendar and the house (now the air on the other side of the house seems not to be working). I invited him to have Easter dinner with us; he accepted. And my gut reaction to all this (in case anyone is asking ) is what a good X he's going to be.
Our end-of-S talk is Monday, and I've been thinking about what I'd like to do going forward. The truth is, I don't want to do anything different at all. I'm just now feeling like I'm taking my life back, getting the house the way I want it, finding my groove with the girls again, getting more active at D12's school, getting a social life of my own. H is taking care of the house and cars and finances. I guess that last sentence sort of negates the getting my life back statement earlier, I'm not really being independent right now. But I'd like to keep this arrangement another six months or so and then re-evaluate. I have no idea what H thinks, if he's leaning towards filing or not.
Tonight I'm going to a blues festival, I don't usually go out on weeknights, but I have to say I'm looking forward to this.
Hi Rppfl. You seem very strong. Sad to hear that you thought you were not attractive enough for H. I think my W is beautiful and always has been I'm not sure if others think the same but who cares. Any person ican be beautiful to others and from what I've read on your posts I have no doubt the beauty is there for all to see Glad your approaching the meeting on Monday with your own thoughts sorted Take care. Rd
Hi Rppfl. You seem very strong. Sad to hear that you thought you were not attractive enough for H. I think my W is beautiful and always has been I'm not sure if others think the same but who cares. Any person ican be beautiful to others and from what I've read on your posts I have no doubt the beauty is there for all to see Glad your approaching the meeting on Monday with your own thoughts sorted Take care. Rd
Thanks, RD. I'm on the "up" part of the rollercoaster ride right now, feeling good about myself, looking forward to some things in the future, staying in my own sandbox, mostly. I just hope I can stay there until and including Monday's lunch.
As far as the feeling beautiful thing goes, I know that I'm good looking enough. And I know my H thought so, he was just not comfortable telling me that, somehow. Which explains a lot about our M. And the fact that I allowed someone else to dictate my worth tells you something, too. But it's all water under the bridge now.
) is what a good X he's going to be.