You have been getting some good advice. A lot of your focus remains on your H. Specifically identifying his issues (his drinking, anger and depression). I am sure it has played a role in your sitch.
Here's the thing. It is always easier to find faults in others. I am challenging you to look within, to identify and address the areas where you contributed to the demise of your M/R. I gather from reading this thread, that control might be one of those areas? Also, please don't tell him he needs help. That will make him defensive, and push him away.
I realize that you and your H aren't working on your M, so some of them you are unable to correct at this time. You can validate, as has been suggested.
Another challenge for you, is to envision what Mary's happy world looks like, independent of your H. You have to make that place your destination. Why? Because your happiness is your responsibility, and happy people are attractive(not chemically happy either). How is your GAL going?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Well since we have been apart my H has been reaching out to me quite a bit. I have been doing my best to let him set the pace for our communication. I let him know today for the first time that we missed him, after he started to tear up at the end of a FaceTime converation with our daughter. He said he missed us too and that this was tough. Which doesn't mean anything, in terms of "us", but it felt like a real moment between us.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
Thanks guys. I have been trying to avoid pressuring him. Since he moved out, I haven't asked at all about "us", or what he's thinking. It's only been a week but already I feel like this time apart is doing me good. Of course I miss him terribly, but missing him is easier than being on eggshells around him all the time. He face timed with our D yesterday and got emotional as he was saying bye. He texted me thank you and I told him that this time is what our family needs but that we miss him. He said he missed us too and that this was tough. I simply said that I agreed.
I hope that by giving him space and just being positive during our interactions, he will be be open to a friendship. I dont expect it to happen overnight of course.
Control is definitely something I struggle with. I'm not very good at letting things go unresolved, which is why I am having a hard time detaching. Honestly it is hard for me to picture my happy place without him, because no matter what, he will be in my future because of our D. I guess the closest thing to happy would be us at least being amicable co parents. And me being successful at my job.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
I woke up this morning to a long text from H. He said he is miserable and hates how much our situation is going to hurt our daughter. He said it is killing him.
I didn't know how to respond. I decided to just be honest. I told him I knew it seemed hopeless. That he seemed to be looking at two bad options, stay miserable with me or split up and be miserable bc of the guilt of leaving our D. I told him that I hope our time apart would let us see a third option where we work on marriage and give our d the happy home she deserves.
He didn't respond. Maybe I blew it, but I felt like he was being real with me and letting me know his guilt. It didn't seem like the time to "play it cool". And I didn't want to reassure him that she would be fine. Bc I don't agree with that. I know she will be ok, but I believe the best thing for her would be for us to work things out. So I'm not going to lie and say everything is going to be ok, just to make him feel less guilty
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
You didn't blow it, BUT you could have used this opportunity to validate his feelings.
"H, I can understand why you would feel that way. Undoubtedly our situation is difficult."
That's it. Many times, less is more. It might have encouraged him to continue communicating with you. VALIDATE! VALIDATE! AND VALIDATE SOME MORE!!
Personally, if I were on the receiving end of your message, it would come across as adding salt to the wound. Instead of validating, it comes across as dismissing his feelings, and imposing yours.
Do you see that?
These opportunities are going to present themselves again. Hopefully you take a different approach. Probably a good idea to post here for some input, before responding.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Things that you are working on, and in the middle of changing?
How can we help you, aside from your interactions with your H?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
One thing that I want to touch on when it comes to interactions with your H. If you don't already, keep in mind before you respond to anything, "Will this get me closer to my goal, or further away?"
Another thing to consider. Make the most of every single opportunity. Demonstrate that you are evolving into a new, and improved person.
I like to use a marble analogy. Let's say you have a jar filled with marbles that represent every single opportunity and interaction with your H. After each interaction, you take one out, and place it into one of two jars. One that represents, "Made the most of" and another that represents, "Wasted Opportunity". Obviously you want to maximize every opportunity, before no marbles remain.
Only time will tell the outcome of your sitch, as there are no guarantees in life. For me, I took comfort in knowing that I was going to give my best effort.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
That is a great analogy. I can see how I could have handled the situation better. I think I need to work on recognizing the difference between validating his feelings, and agreeing with his actions. I can be supportive in terms of understanding that this is difficult without supporting a divorce. Tricky though.
I have signed up for some fun exercise classes, and I am going to see a play with my mom tomorrow. I also REALLY need to focus on my work. I have really let it slide and the last thing I need is to jeopardize my career.
Me:30 H:31 D1 T: 7 years M: 3.5 years BD: 12/2014 3 month S starts: 2/2015
You are right, it is difficult, but not complicated. That is why it is so important to detach and have no expectations. It helps to keep your emotions in check.
Glad to see that you are busy GAL. It will play a significant role in your detachment.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
