Maybell XXXI

[Maybell]

Thanks, Bug. Sometimes you and Betsey sound so very evolved that I feel like I ought to be always soaring like a butterfly and never hanging out in the mud with the catfish. Sometimes I just feel like a catfish.

BTW, STBX reports that last night (kids spent the evening with him) he was getting very frustrated with D11 and she said "I feel like you are being unreasonable, can you explain why you are feeling that way?" So apparently despite the show of disdain in the office she got something out of it.

[Old Dog]

In the spirit of complete disclosure, I almost quit therapy on several occasions because I didn't want to do it any more. There was too much to fix, I just couldn't do it. I had a similar meltdown not long ago over not having the ability to be the mother my S22 needs.

Therapy shines a light on the darkest parts of us. The good news is we have the ability to change it. If we stay in the dark, we stay in the dark.

Be gentle with yourself. The fact that this is painful is the signal you can change.

Again, be gentle with yourself. When we know better we can do better.

((( )))

Bug, this is good to hear. I was in transactional analysis (TA) therapy for 3-4 years in the 90s and don't feel it did me that much good - some may say that is evident by that fact that on these boards. All it seemed to be for me was a talking shop. Yes, I recovered from the depression I was in after a previous split and life rut but I didn't really feel I had changed at all, it was just that I knew a bit more about myself, such as I am passive aggressive.

[claire7]

Maybell,
That is a big thing to keep in mind with tweens... they will never admit it, but they ARE listening. Believe none of what they say (haha).

I'm hearing that "I'm either perfect or worthless voice" in you lately... can you remind yourself of how strong you are... and that just because someone is incapable of acting the way you want (H, parents, kids)...it doesn't mean it is YOUR fault or that it reflects anything about you.

That said... what are the things you wish to change and grow about yourself--for you? What are your goals?

[Old Dog]

BTW, STBX reports that last night (kids spent the evening with him) he was getting very frustrated with D11 and she said "I feel like you are being unreasonable, can you explain why you are feeling that way?" So apparently despite the show of disdain in the office she got something out of it.

Love it :-)

[Underdog]

Aww, Maybell.... well, can I just say that being more evolved just means I did the crime and I did the time? Remember, I've got 12 years of separation and divorce in my rear view mirror. That's a lot of time. Time to work on stuff.

I love that Bug said to be gentle with yourself. Count me in the club of feeling despair and hopelessness, coupled with a deep depression at the thought of feeling the climb uphill was nearly impossible. I do remember feeling that way for awhile.

When I've gone to counseling with STBX or D11 I feel like so much of the focus is on the things I do wrong.

Yes, I felt like a total loser sometimes. I usually spent the drive home bawling my eyes out, feeling like a human failure.

Maybell, would it help to reframe this whole thing? I don't know when it happened, but at some point in this process, I realized that I was defensive about change (mostly, I wanted others to change so I could feel happier about my lot in life); and when the light started to come on for me personally, I realized these flaws in me were making others unhappy (as well as myself) and they were actually a road map to a more joyful destination.

With D11 it was about my temper.

Same here with my D21. My anger was getting in the way with pretty much every relationship I had. But my daughter bore the brunt of it. I won't bore you with details, but your last paragraph in this post is undoubtedly the biggest clue you've got. Hint: family of origin issues that are playing out now in your R with your daughter. Your road map will fix that, with some recalibration and effort on your part.

With STBX it was about how I was just not enough.

Again, your last paragraph illustrates this one as well. It's really not your STBXH that causes you to feel less than, Maybell. If anything you're wanting your parents to be the parents you want them to be. It's a fair want. But from what you wrote (which bothers me, BTW, that your mom would offer help and then renege with conditions), they've not yet been able to be what you expect them to be--right or wrong--and it's time to stop having those expectations.

So you don't feel singled out, I'll say what I try not to say out loud - I'd rather lead you to draw your own conclusions. I think MANY of us are working out relationships with our families of origin in our present relationships, and trying to fix that is causing harm to them. We need to fix ourselves from the inside out first. For you, it's not accepting that you're not enough, Maybell. It's understanding that the people who birthed and raised you are flawed, and for whatever reason, they can't or won't be the parents you need them to be. Acceptance without attaching labels would help you a great deal. It's not because of you that they possess this characteristic, Maybell. It's because they 1) don't know how to change; or 2) they are afraid to change; or 3) they have no idea how they are impacts you so very much. Either way, it's time to forgive them, accept who they are (vs. who you want them to be) and learn how to see yourself in the light of YOUR truth. Without conditions or assumptions like "if only I was XXX, then they would XXX." It's so destructive, my friend.

If my parents AND my STBX think I'm worthless it's hard not to believe them. But I'm working on it.

Have any of them ever come out and told you that you're worthless, Maybell? Maybe they feel worthless themselves and since they don't know how to change, it's easier to push you away?

If I had any direction I'd love to shove you in private counseling, dearheart, it would be to work on why you assume that you're unlovable and worthless because of the decisions others make. Why you assume the worst about yourself when you're not the highlight of their issues? Why can't they be them independent of you being you? This is something that took me a LONG fricking time to work out, Maybell. Mine were tied to abandonment issues that I absorbed from others. I had to fix that in myself. What really helped was doing some hypnotherapy in the form of past life regression therapy. I'm not saying you should do that - it's such an individual thing - but some good, old fashioned therapy would do the trick just fine.

We're all works in progress, my friends. Not one of us is better than each other. We have flaws and defects and none of us is perfect. Of that, I'm sure. I'm also sure if you were a fly on the wall at a fantasy therapy session for your H, that he'd feel overwhelmed by the fix it list as well. He just may choose to ignore these things, and will continue to live his life on auto pilot, allowing things to happen to him rather than make things happen.

If you feel like a jerk, move over. There are plenty of us jerks who want to sit on the couch with you. It's as simple as that.

Hugs!

Betsey

[Underdog]

Claire, you NAILED what I was trying to say, perfectly!:

I'm hearing that "I'm either perfect or worthless voice" in you lately...

Maybell, there's nothing wrong with you. Really. Your filter is broken. That's what needs to be changed. You wouldn't get rid of a furnace that needs a new air filter, would you?

Just so you know, you're neither perfect nor worthless...

[Old Dog]

And know this Maybell. You are a tower of strength and an inspiration to many others on here just by being you.

You have certainly helped me and I thank you for it.

[Maybell]

I decided to declare my paperwork DONE and took it to the lawyer's office. I can chase the bits and pieces down when he tells me which bits are important. Made the follow-up appointment this afternoon. I could have puttered over the thing for another year to make it perfect and all it would have done is make me miserable. The load I felt off my shoulders when I made the follow up appointment was huge. I think the weight of the effort was a big part of what was keeping me down. It still hurts to think that this is where we ended up. I see other couples struggling with much more challenging issues and demonstrating caring and commitment.

This isn't what I signed up for, but most of what I've had in my life isn't really, so I'd might as well OWN WHAT I'VE GOT and be a happy woman.

Evening with the kids was pretty good. D11 was surly and fairly unpleasant, but when I failed to overreact to her unpleasantness, she backed down and did what I asked of her. And she did it reasonably well and quickly too. I praised her and thanked her and let her go take ANOTHER hot bath.

I also got to help S9 with his homework this evening. It is a pleasure to see how his mind works -- he did a fairly complicated problem in his head. He's a smart cookie. Then he had a meltdown about picking up Legos and then we read The Hobbit which is fun. I said "You've had a lot of changes in a small amount of time. Are you doing OK?" We talked for a few minutes about the differences and he assured me he likes the new babysitter so that was reassuring.

S7 said also what he likes about the new sitter and I said we would try doing more of that when I'm home too.

I admit I'm not totally comfortable with the new babysitter yet. I don't have any particular reason to be suspicious but I've invested a lot of trust in her and I feel vulnerable.

All will be well and... well, I know the drill.

[Ahoy]

Good to hear you sounding strong, Maybell. Kudos on getting the paperwork done. I can't wait to get there myself.
Stay awesome.

[Maybell]

This morning I was thinking about STBX's claim that he was leaving to find himself because he knows everyone better than he knows himself. And I was feeling down about it, until I realized: what he has discovered about himself is that he is an unreliable guy who will lie, cheat, hurt people who love him and to whom he has a responsibility. Also that he's more than capable of lying to himself about who he is. It must svck to learn that about himself. Assuming he's noticed.

I'm starting to feel like a woman waking up from a long nap (Rip Van Winkle? Sleeping Beauty?). I looked around my house today and thought, how did I let it get so cluttered? My boys were milling around waiting for instructions. They take zero initiative -- it's time for me to start parenting some self-sufficiency into them.

Turning in that paperwork to the lawyer lightened my load so much. I feel my energy rising -- like sap in a tree in the spring. Time to get to work.