Old dog seeks new trick 9

[Old Dog]

She did not tell me in so many words. I only found out by reading books such as 5LL and His Needs, Her Needs ..and of course Gerald Roger's page.

She would say she wanted wooing but I don't come from a 'wooing/romantic' family (how weird is this?) and so when I asked what she actually wanted, she either expected me to know or didn't have the answer herself.

[Sotto]

Interesting - I'm re-reading DR at the moment, and have just read chapter 4 - Ask for what you want. Your comments made me think of that.

If your W was a DBing pro, she would have said - I'd like us to dress up and go out for dinner once every couple of weeks. And I would like you to buy me flowers on occasions like birthdays. Plus, I would like you to tell me you love me...not every day, or even every week, but often enough to keep romance alive and so that I don't feel taken for granted.

"She would say she wanted wooing but I don't come from a 'wooing/romantic' family"

So, knowing that she did want this, what efforts did you make? It sounds a bit like an excuse to say you didn't come from that kind of family....

[Wonka]

OD,

I've read through this thread and see that W is still involved with OM.

Here is what you need to do going forward:

-Stop talking about your sitch to other people. Full stop.
-If you need to talk about your sitch, come here or talk it over with your own IC
-Stop asking about W to children...this puts them in the middle (and it makes you look like a stalker!)
-Get your mojo back...confidence, strength, dignity
-Engage in your GAL with healthy people (not sure about being around alcoholics or drug addicts)
-Put on something new each time you see W...one new shirt, pair of shoes, belt (you get the idea)
-Look like a million dollars (clean shaved, or trimmed beard)

Once every 3 weeks or so, give your W a genuine and sincere compliment. It can be her new hairdo, clothes, or how she handled a problem--especially as a mother. It seems to me that your W's LL is WOA.

What is her second LL? Most of us have two primary LLs. Keep in mind LL is what makes her giddy...not how you give it. But it is how she receives it.

Mine are PT/QT closely followed by WOA. When I receive them in heaping doses, I feel good and loved.

Funny...when I show love to others, it is through AOS and PT.

[Old Dog]

Toots - "She would say she wanted wooing but I don't come from a 'wooing/romantic' family"

So, knowing that she did want this, what efforts did you make? It sounds a bit like an excuse to say you didn't come from that kind of family....

I didn't really have much of a clue I'm afraid and didn't know where or how to find one. I thought you either had it or you didn't, and I didn't. MrBond called me out on this early on in my story and said I was lazy and selfish. Maybe I was but genuinly there are some of us who are hopeless at this.

[Wonka]

OD,

You can learn new behaviors. We can always learn new patterns and behaviors. One needs to put some work into it. You can Google on how to properly romance your spouse (not now!).

As you know by now, marriage takes work. Takes nurturing and attention for it to thrive. Likewise with a flower...more soil, more fertilizer, more sun, etc. so it can bloom in all of its glory.

[Old Dog]

OD,

I've read through this thread and see that W is still involved with OM.

Here is what you need to do going forward:

-Stop talking about your sitch to other people. Full stop.
Understood, although this was the first and last time with a joint friend.
-If you need to talk about your sitch, come here or talk it over with your own IC
OK
-Stop asking about W to children...this puts them in the middle (and it makes you look like a stalker!)
OK. I only did it twice and it backfired twice, so no more.
-Get your mojo back...confidence, strength, dignity
er ... OK. When I read No More Mr Nice Guy, it more than struck a chord. The whole damn piano collapsed.
-Engage in your GAL with healthy people (not sure about being around alcoholics or drug addicts)
Don't worry about my flatmates, they haven't used for years. They've done the 12 steps and help others in the same position now. They are really supportive. I trust them.
-Put on something new each time you see W...one new shirt, pair of shoes, belt (you get the idea)
-Look like a million dollars (clean shaved, or trimmed beard)
Yes, I've tried to be presentable ever since bomb day. I always shave, I started splashing on some aftershave which I've never done before and bought some new clothes.

Once every 3 weeks or so, give your W a genuine and sincere compliment. It can be her new hairdo, clothes, or how she handled a problem--especially as a mother. It seems to me that your W's LL is WOA.
I'll have to set my alarm for that. It's just something that never occured to me. Not laziness or selfishness so this would be a 180 as I was lacking in this.

What is her second LL? Most of us have two primary LLs. Keep in mind LL is what makes her giddy...not how you give it. But it is how she receives it.
Her second LL would be quality time with a hint of gifts.
Mine are PT/QT closely followed by WOA. When I receive them in heaping doses, I feel good and loved.
Mine are also PT/QT
Funny...when I show love to others, it is through AOS and PT.
And I naturally dole out AOS and find it awkward to do WOA. Got to learn that. I have made some improvement though, and not just with WAW.

Thank you so much for this Wonka. I think I got lost somewhere along the way.

[Old Dog]

OD,

You can learn new behaviors. We can always learn new patterns and behaviors. One needs to put some work into it. You can Google on how to properly romance your spouse (not now!).

As you know by now, marriage takes work. Takes nurturing and attention for it to thrive. Likewise with a flower...more soil, more fertilizer, more sun, etc. so it can bloom in all of its glory.

This was always something I was confused about. I understand I cannot do the romance thing now, but how do you show the WAS that you can now do it if they are not receptive?

[Vanilla]

OD

Something shifted for you recently and things are moving emotionally for you. It is uncomfortable but by moving towards the pain and facing what was then in the 12 steps you can change.

I would like to remind you of some words Sandi put on my thread early on: nothing, but nothing you have done is any excuse for wayward behaviour in your W. Problems in your M can be addressed in a completely different way than waywardness. Nothing excuses the pain, hurt and damage of this type of behaviour. It will never address the underlying causes of poor communication between H and W.

OD, that was then and today you can never go back and redo the past, all you have is today and the changes that you can make today. I think you may find the 12 steps very helpful, those who have completed 12 steps and reach step 10 have a peaceful glow about them, whether they are the addict or the spouse/loved one of an addict. OD your W A is an addiction so that makes OD the spouse of a behavioural addict. The program for co dependence is a 12 step program OD. But if you want to 12 step then I am comfortable in being a channel for your higher power. If you like we can have a thread for that or one of your flat mates may be comfortable guiding you through the steps. To me it seems that Steps 1 to 3 could be covered by you in a single session. There is much guidance around the analysis needed in step 4, which is the most troublesome to navigate. That of identify your own behavioural issues and a sponsor can guide you and you seem to be lucky to have a choice.

OD, this is the time to concentrate on OD. Take what is valuable from W email and leave the rest behind. You can always delay your response and post here, Wonka, Starsky and Sandi are all great at these types of responses. HP always tested his responses and V uses the advice given as her guide.

It seems very bleak to you at present and I understand this.Shift often does this and I am glad for you OD that this shift has happened. There is much spew and justification in W email and the nuggets of truth which are a gift to you.

OD, you are in a unique position of being able to work on OD in the away space. Including going GAL. I am pleased you will also be at the Ceroc event, it will be enjoyable, distracting and a new skill set. Do go and enjoy yourself. There is a world outside of your sitch which will slowly assist with your PMA.

Very early on in my own sitch, I was presented with a reaction from H when I presented BD1. A similar email full of vitriol, justification for bad behaviour but also with a great deal of truth about the appearance of the screaming banshee and other awful reactions. Including that I was unsupportive, unromantic and not a 'we' person. Over the period then I have addressed those obvious weakness and am now tackling others, my health, fitness, drabness and financial failures.

Also realise that you will have to tango (Ceroc) alone for a while. You may faulter, stumble, and make most mistakes. Do so with the right intentions for OD and his sons and that is very positive. This sitch has been created by both W and H, so in time you will see each has their role to play. DB and 12 steps are compatible OD.

Keep posting and be ready to receive the love, support and generous advice of us mortals and the vets. oh and the 2x4.

I am projecting all the love and support I can to you tonight so that you can sleep in peace.

V

[Old Dog]

Thank you for your encouragement V. Today started off very bleakly, but with some skills I have learned and friends all over the world I have made it through to the end of the day ... as I knew I would.

Tomorrow, I will be drafting a response to WAW's email and looking for a martial arts class in the area.

Good night all.

[Ggrass]

This might not seem like much but how I started out was talking to people strangers, helped I worked in retail.

I talk to anyone like I did in the old days. I say at the very least hello. I have dozens of casual friends at work who come in to tell me things to connect with me. All because I treat them as people.

I might share one of today's stories in my thread to see how thing happen in my day.

Theses sort of exchanges give me, so much confidence.