Acccepting My Reality

[Wonka]

Wonka

The biggest complaint I have about my WAW is that she is so so so angry with me. Her rage cuts me to the quick but I try not to show it. She is either rageful, snarky or just plain mean and hateful that it gives me the willies.

Is this part of the script? I am hopeful that this will pass but I am beginning to think it won't. Maybe this is the new her.

It's the guilt that's eating away inside W which is manifesting outwardly through those behaviors.

It's not your fault.

It is not you.

It is all on HER.

[EyeTie]

Wonka

The biggest complaint I have about my WAW is that she is so so so angry with me. Her rage cuts me to the quick but I try not to show it. She is either rageful, snarky or just plain mean and hateful that it gives me the willies.

Is this part of the script? I am hopeful that this will pass but I am beginning to think it won't. Maybe this is the new her.

I think it comes with the territory. My WAW is the same way. One minute she can be sweet to me, then all of a sudden her claws come out and she lashes out for no reason. We can have a conversation about the kids and it will all of a sudden piss her off and she starts attacking me. You would think that I was the one who left. BUT I won't engage her on it. I will say "I am not going to fight with you" and disconnect the phone or if she is at my house I will get up, grab her coat and purse and say "We can talk again when you calm down, but for right now you have to leave." which also pisses her off.

[HeavyD]

At least you get some sweetness - mine is attack mode all of the time. Everything I say, everything I do, everything I don't do brings out the monster.

The only way to avoid the monster is to disengage from her. This pisses her off to when I don't respond so there.

This is a no win for me

[Wonka]

F,

Remember....this is 10 years on so with the passage of time, the awful times has receded into the background for me (and I'd like to think for Ms. Wonka as well). Your situation is very new so things are emotionally raw between you and W.

Again, remember my caution about comparing your sitch with other people's. I have done a lot of internal work to get to the place I am today. You have just begun the work. Yeah, there will be some steps backwards and some forward steps. We have all been where you are now....BTDT and own the dang DB t-shirt.

Yes, it is good to disengage from the spew monster. Again, you cannot always totally disengage. Do what we do in dog training: reward those with good behaviors and ignore bad behavior. Respond when W talks in a respectful way. Ignore when it's full on monster mode.

A delicate balance indeed.

[HeavyD]

My WAW now says that the whole "open marriage" story was just a ploy. What she really wanted all along was to leave but she just didnt have the guts to do it. She only wishes that she had ended it that night instead of dragging it out for this long.

That one hurt and I heard it loud and clear. She also then said she never felt safe around me after a particularly nasty argument we had 10 years ago. She said she knew then that our marriage was over.

Again, so many stories on what is inside her mind. Her stories and he actions over the years do not add up. That is why I have such a hard time with this. I just have to let the stories continue and will do my best to not engage or try to make sense of the senseless.

It does not change the result

[Wonka]

That's called "re-writing" the marital story. All WASes do this. Ignore. I am sure those comments hurt. They're just that....words based on A fog.

Believe none of what they say, see only half of what they do.

[HeavyD]

F,

Remember....this is 10 years on so with the passage of time, the awful times has receded into the background for me (and I'd like to think for Ms. Wonka as well). Your situation is very new so things are emotionally raw between you and W.

Again, remember my caution about comparing your sitch with other people's. I have done a lot of internal work to get to the place I am today. You have just begun the work. Yeah, there will be some steps backwards and some forward steps. We have all been where you are now....BTDT and own the dang DB t-shirt.

Yes, it is good to disengage from the spew monster. Again, you cannot always totally disengage. Do what we do in dog training: reward those with good behaviors and ignore bad behavior. Respond when W talks in a respectful way. Ignore when it's full on monster mode.

A delicate balance indeed.

We have two Parent Teacher Conferences coming up next week. Oh no, I will have to sit beside her and wait for the snarkies to start. I will IGNORE should they arise. Otherwise, I will try to be the most generous and kind person who takes the high road. It will be H.A.R.D.

[HeavyD]

So another email from WAW

So this is our communication now. Right?

She is basically baiting me into saying this is the only we are going to communicate - via email?

#1. Ignore the bait and not respond since I have been advised many times here on DB forum to be dark

#2. Respond with - I am honoring your wishes from yesterday to not guilt you into any conversation with me.

#3. I am happy to communicate with you in whatever manner you wish as long as it is respectful between the both of us.

Any other suggestions Wonka? You always ask me to preview my emails before I send them?

[HeavyD]

Here is my proposed recycled email response:

A

I would prefer to communicate by email as to avoid any potential misunderstandings.

Short and sweet.

[Wonka]

F,

Yes...short and sweet is good. Don't allow W to raise your hackles. Ignore. Go with that last one about preferring to communicate via email.

Many WASes blow up the smartphones etc as a way to re-assert control. So script. Pretty scary and predictable.