What's wrong with these answers, Foolish? Why can't they all be true? Do you prefer what KGirl heard: that H felt he couldn't accept an invitation for drinks with buddies because she wanted to have dinner with him? Can you give an example of a reason that you would believe or even give you closure?
Mozza - the reason that would give me the best closure is that "I had a lapse in judgement and made a misake". That would give me the most peace. Yesterday, my WAW actually said those words unprompted by me and I could hear them. But again, it was probably a mixture of a lot of things and in the end it doesn't really matter, she did what she did and I accept my flaws that led her to that point. It happened and I hope to learn from my mistakes. After all learning from mistakes is the only way true growth happens.
She seems to get a charge out of pushing my buttons and that leaves me confused. Why would she want to do that? So that leaves me of balance in her presence. I'm not sure how to act or what to say becuase it always seems to come off "wrong".
When you are detached, then those buttons will not light up like an Otis elevator.
Remember how your young kids threw tantrums? You did not react because you were detached with love and responded accordingly in a calm way. Right? Same with your W.
I know, I know. Easier said than done...but believe me when one's detached, then those so-called button pushing comments won't bother you as much.
You're still hitched to W's wagon that's zigging zagging all over the place. When you unhitch from W's wagon, what happens? Exactly. Calm and centered because you're not being dragged all over the place.
You're as calm as Bugs Bunny with Elmer Fudd being the mad man that he is with that crazy gun of his.
All of this can be accomplished through YOUR ACTIONS....just do it. You can influence things by showing her how to communicate. It has to start somewhere...might as well be the new and improved F. Right?
There's the old reliable standby: I'm here if you want to talk. It allows them the space to decide if they want to or not. A beauty, isn't it?
Yes, this is a very emotional and trying time for all LBSes here. Marathon....the worst of its kind.
I'd want to consult with your tax folks on how to file for taxes this year. I'd always go with the pros.
I look forward to hearing about your meeting with your new L.
Wonka - How can my actions show her how to communicate? I am thinking hard here. I can certainly
1). Listen more 2). validate more often 3). not be judgemental 4). not make her "own my grief" or "guilt her into communicating"
I can also demonstrate through my actions of being in better shape, interacting with more people, GAL and keeping a PMA.
I think all of those are steps in the right direction.
I am copying my own core principles from one of my threads over in the Big D forum:
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Going forward, I will need to remind myself consciously that my criteria for communicating with Ms. Wonka will be:
-is it loving? -is it supportive (within reason)? -is it done without any recrimination? -it done without any bitterness? -is it respectful? -does it come from a place that is truly authentic? -is it filled with integrity?
I'd like to think that I've lived up to those guiding principles when communicating with Ms. Wonka. FWIW, I think my actions, word choices, and behaviors have led us to this point where our relations have warmed up significantly. It all started with MOI.
She seems to get a charge out of pushing my buttons and that leaves me confused. Why would she want to do that? So that leaves me of balance in her presence. I'm not sure how to act or what to say becuase it always seems to come off "wrong".
When you are detached, then those buttons will not light up like an Otis elevator.
Remember how your young kids threw tantrums? You did not react because you were detached with love and responded accordingly in a calm way. Right? Same with your W.
I know, I know. Easier said than done...but believe me when one's detached, then those so-called button pushing comments won't bother you as much.
You're still hitched to W's wagon that's zigging zagging all over the place. When you unhitch from W's wagon, what happens? Exactly. Calm and centered because you're not being dragged all over the place.
You're as calm as Bugs Bunny with Elmer Fudd being the mad man that he is with that crazy gun of his.
Hah-Hah - a funny image of an OTIS elevator. That gave me a smile that I needed today Wonka.
Detachment detachment oh how elusive. The best method for me is o keep busy. It is when I sit still that it starts to hurt again and I even cry again. Seriously who cries after 5 months? It usually doesn't last long, but the tears are still there if I let them come. My choice is to not let them come and I am working on that. I can control my thoughts, my thoughts do not control me.
So the question I have now is why is her wagon zig zagging all over the place? I guess that's her own issue not mine. I just have to let her do her thing as much as it puzzles me and hurts me. Is her wagon still hitched to mine as she calls and phones and texts me incessantly or is it her way of detaching? It doesn't feel that way to me. Yesterday during our flop coffee session, her eyes were red like she had been crying. I did not comment becuase maybe she was crying tears of frustration out of having to see me over coffee. Who knows?
The weird things is in the beginning I thought for sure she was having a mid life crisis or a bi polar episode. Apparently not because no one else seems to notice anything out of the ordinary with her. So I'm the crazy one if I point it out, so you know what, I have stopped pointing it out. It's not my responsibility to fix her or point out what could be "wrong". That's not my decision or within my ability to control. She is doing what she wants to do because she wants to do it. Period. Accepting it. I don't agree with her decisions but they are hers to make.
Detachment detachment oh how elusive. The best method for me is o keep busy. It is when I sit still that it starts to hurt again and I even cry again. Seriously who cries after 5 months? It usually doesn't last long, but the tears are still there if I let them come.
I had a really good cry on the following day after I spoke with Ms. Wonka this past Friday. Yep, I still do cry even 10 years on....yep...yep, this old Sarge cries too.
Hey, hey....remember that Ms. Wonka is married to the OW. I've moved on and dated other women. I am not DBing' Ms. Wonka to reconcile per se but do use DBing principles in various settings such as work, friends, Board matters, and family members. They DO work...believe it or not.
I am around the forums to pay forward when I can...
The biggest complaint I have about my WAW is that she is so so so angry with me. Her rage cuts me to the quick but I try not to show it. She is either rageful, snarky or just plain mean and hateful that it gives me the willies.
Is this part of the script? I am hopeful that this will pass but I am beginning to think it won't. Maybe this is the new her.
