I think what you wrote was both kind and to the point. It showed resilience in that you weren't going to change your plans because of a situation you feel she created and kindness in sharing a suggestion of what to do. You must understand how she feels though Mozza, even if you don't empathise with her. I would want to see my kids on their birthday.
One question Mozza; Will you still feel it's an unfortunate part of the sitch when it's D's birthday, it's not you're turn, and W takes them out of town for the weekend without saying a word to you?
Me 40 W 38 T 23 M 21 S21 S19 D16 S14 BD 19/12/2014 D mentioned 27/2/2015. I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
I agree with what Clair said. You want to be sure to draw boundaries and hold your ex accountable that's true. You always though want to do that with what is best for the kids.
When my kids were young they were able to see both parents on their birthdays. We did this for the kids sake even if we weren't getting along. Now that the kids are adults there are times when we will have joint family celebrations. I can tell you that my kids ( now adults) have said it means a lot to them to know that they can enjoy both parents without guilt.
My eldest son recently turned 32. I was having a family dinner with just my side. ( his dad had made plans with him for a boys night out) My sons paternal Grandmother lives closer to me. My Son asked if it was ok for him to invite her for dinner. I said of course and she was here for dinner on his Birthday. We are all family and will be connected through our children and grandchild for the rest of our lives. How we chose to handle ourselves is up to us.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Just stopping by to say hi, hope you are doing well!
JBird
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
Thanks all for your input and perspective. I'm confident I continue to do what's best for the kids. I very much look forward to the plans I have for the birthday week-end. Also, I checked with a friend who's separated and he doesn't see his kids on their birthday if it's not his week with them.
GAL Report | Disaster. I have a cold since Friday. On Saturday, I went to bed at 3 pm for a nap and woke up the following morning at 7 am. I couldn't leave the house today either. Binge watching Breaking Bad, House, Top Gear...
PMA Report | Disaster. As usual, without much GAL, I just fall back into my emotions and have been crying sporadically throughout the week-end. I've never thought that the apartment where we lived for 15 months was a trigger, but the chair where she sat to watch TV (and to BD) is getting to me and I'm thinking of changing it, as much as I like it.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Change the chair if it brings you pain. Redecorate and bring new life to your apartment. It is surprising how much better it feels to change things around.
Get rest and then get better. You will feel better once you are well and able to get back to GAL. A good nights sleep works wonders.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Moment of doubt: I just realized that it's been nearly a month since a vet weighed in on my sitch. If any of them happen to come around here — Wonka, sandi2, 25yearsmlc, Starsky309, Train, MrBond, Cadet, Mach1 — is it because...
you see no hope and have given up on my sitch? I'm just doing fine by myself? there is just nothing to say at the moment? you feel I don't follow the advice? there isn't enough happening right now? or something else?
I notice that other not-so-newcomers like Maybell, Card29 and HPoirot still get vets' input so all of a sudden, I'm a little worried.
_________________
GAL/PMA Report | Another sick day at home, but I was I was feeling better. Over dinner, I watched an episode of House M.D. involving a pregnant couple and it sparked a full-blown asthmatic-level crisis. Watching the H having to make life-or-death decisions for his W and baby was particularly heart-wrenching because I always took pride in being reliable and just there for my family — I couldn't understand in that moment why this responsibility had been taken away from me. The two births have been grandiose moments of bonding and they seem so recent. I became upset to think that my family was just then having a family dinner with another man, again leaving me puzzled as to what I had done to deserve this. I called my parents to get over it.
NC Report | Daycare closed this morning because of a water problem. WAW tried calling (I didn't pick up) then texted me to let me know. She never asked me to pick up D3, but told me what a pain it is for her, that she's missing a lot of days because of the kids, etc. I only replied it was unfortunate and that I had forgotten to tell her that I had kept D6 at home for a sick day last week. My philosophy is that, now that we're no longer a team, my job is not to support her career. To me, this has nothing to do with "what is good for the kids" because they'll be very well taken care of, regardless of how we arrange things between ourselves. Needless to say, if we were still together I'd do everything to accommodate her. I always did. When she left me, WAW said: "I'm grateful for all you've done for me, but now I need to be on my own." And she left me for a colleague at the new job I had helped her get.
Oh, I'm also watching Breaking Bad and one of the characters is dangerously flirting with a colleague. Before, would just have seen it as a plot point without much stress for me, but now it's a trigger and I'm really worried about what this character will do. Triggers are everywhere.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
My stance at the moment is to let her live her life while I reflect and try to focus on me. In January, I told her I didn't want to interact beyond the practicalities of the kids because I need to move on. I'm good at being silent and distant. The "no pursuing" rule is easy to apply for me because it means doing nothing. What I'm not so good at is detach, but the no-contact has helped me a lot. I see a therapist since BD.
But you also said this:
Quote:
Feb 2-25 | Plans for moving abroad are nixed, D papers are delayed at my request, flirting experiments begin
Are you experimenting flirting with WW?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
saind2 - Thanks a lot for stopping by. I greatly value your perspective and read everything I find in the other sitches.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Are you experimenting flirting with WW?
No, I'm not. Since she's with OM, I keep NC, other than for the kids, and even then it's quite minimal. I wish I could, but it seems anti-BD (no pursuing) and quite pointless given that she's about 5-6 months into a R with OM and 2-3 months into sharing an apartment full time. My understanding is that WW do not yet listen to their LBS at that stage.
The flirting I'm referring to is related to my discussions with IC. He's suggested, based on what I told him of my history, that I lack confidence a great deal around women. It would help me to get a little perspective on WAW if I could at least flirt with interesting strangers and see what kind of reaction I get. I'll grant him that these experiments did provide me some calm and PMA when they happened, but it's been a few weeks already.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
GAL/PMA Report | Another sick day at home, but I was I was feeling better. Over dinner, I watched an episode of House M.D. involving a pregnant couple and it sparked a full-blown asthmatic-level crisis.
Mozza,
I feel you here. I've got those triggers too. My worse one is one of the Wounded Warrior's commercials that the man is severely injured. They are interviewing his wife and she's so appreciative and is standing behind her husband through all of this. I feel a) almost ashamed of complaining about my sitch and the pain I feel compared to their struggles and b) Jealous that the love that they have together is what I thought W and I had.
Also, we went on a trip to Disney World in June. Had a great family time, went out on a date just ourselves there, talked about going back, etc. Now every time one of those commercials comes on, it just reminds me of how much deception was occurring right under my nose. Also, how she had already planned OM rendevous while we were there and this 'plan' of hers was being executed.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Moment of doubt: I just realized that it's been nearly a month since a vet weighed in on my sitch. If any of them happen to come around here — Wonka, sandi2, 25yearsmlc, Starsky309, Train, MrBond, Cadet, Mach1 — is it because...
you see no hope and have given up on my sitch? I'm just doing fine by myself? there is just nothing to say at the moment? you feel I don't follow the advice? there isn't enough happening right now? or something else?
I notice that other not-so-newcomers like Maybell, Card29 and HPoirot still get vets' input so all of a sudden, I'm a little worried.
Oh how much I have wanted to say this on my thread for a loooong time!!! I didn't even get the Cadet welcome so I've felt doomed from the beginning! Curious to see the response...
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
