seperated 4 months

[help67]

My wife asked for some paperwork regarding doing the seperation agreement and she was going to make a copy and give it back to me. That was 9 weeks ago, but there has been no mention of it since. We hung out as a family last week going to an animal sanctuary, my wife invited me. We have also gone to a few of my D school functions together, and we have emailed many times, either having to do with my d or just silly things. Its now 9 months since she left, I havent had a drink since, am still doing IC, reading alot, and really listening to her. She must believe I'm not faking these changes just for her by now, maybe this is why it is taking time for the seperation agreement to be done even though it was so important for her to have it done by now. Any thoughts anyone.

[ILYNOT]

help67 I just read you sitch and wow, Im so happy to hear that in 9months you have not had a drink and still no Legal separation, which is good, its what you want right? hang in there, you and your WW are getting along, Im sure she notices your changes, will pray for your situation for you tonight! hang in there brother!

[help67]

Thanks. It feels great to have given up drinking, finally. I dont want the agreement, I want us to be together. I am working on myself, it is very painful to realize all the hurt I have caused us. We are getting along great, my wife initiates a lot of email contact with funny things, it feels almost like it did when we first got together. I am working on myself and learning patience. I am not pushing even though I wish we could do more together, iam trying to be there for her emotionally like I havnt been in a long time. There is no om so I think this is the way to go. Being there for her and really listening to her I think is bringing us closer.

[help67]

Getting along with waw. We see each other a few times a week exchanging d, and interact by email. We hung out as a family last week and had fun. Ive had problems with mind reading and analyzing every word, but I also think there has been improvment. My wife intiates email with things she thinks I will find funny, she baked last week and gave me some, when we hung out last week she shared her ice cream with me. I emailed her last week to ask her how her tkd class went, she got back to me 2 days later, saying she was sorry she didnt respond and then told me how class was. It is taking longer for the seperation agreement to get done, which is good. When we hung out last week, it was her invite. At this point should I suggest hanging out or would that be pursuing.

[help67]

I was thinking of asking w if she wants to watch fireworks this wednesday, can see it really good from my house and i will have our d that night. It seems that there are baby steps going on, she emailed me pics of d last night, we make each other laugh. I have not heard anything regarding paperwork for seperation agreement and it has been 9 weeks since she asked for paperwork. She has talked to me about problems at work and with a friend and I just listened and validated, didn't get annoyed or try to fix anything. We hung out last week as a family, her invite. So would me asking her to hang out be pursuing at this point, its 9 months since she left.

[help67]

My sitch has gone from my wife wanting to meet in a public place to start seperation agreement which would eventually become a d, she wanted to do this months ago, to working on the agreement at our house where I live 10 weeks ago. I have not heard anything back from her in the last ten weeks about it.

In the last 10 weeks my w had health scare, turned out to be just an ovarian cyst, and she has had difficulty with some things at work. She shared all this with me and I was there for her unlike the past. We have had only good communication in this time, a lot of it initiated by my w.

The first 4 months or so I made all the classic mistakes out of fear, but I learned a lot about myself, and our r since. Maybe working on the agreement instead of trying to get her to reconcile has her hesitating at this point.

I have plenty of work still to do for myself, but our r is imoroving. When I read all the other sitch I realize mine might not be so bad. My w reaches out to me, shares with me and is concerned with how I am doing. The other day she asked me how my softball game went, when I told her we won she said cool. She hadnt cared about my softball for a long time, who can blame her, it took precendence over our m and I always came home late and drunk.

I guess now, keep working on myself, and be patient. Patience is key now as I so want to open up to my w and talk about our r, but I have to wait for her to initiate that talk.

[help67]

I know I havn't posted a lot of details about my sitch, I was very confused and overwhelmed for awhile. I have learned a lot reading other posts, and I appreciate everyone who has shared, I know how painful it can be. If anyone has any questions about my sitch I will gladly respond. Between IC and this board I am getting to a good place inside.

[ralphy]

help,

I needed to read your posts today. I've only been separated three weeks (two months since BD), and I suppose that I have been trying to rush things out of fear of losing my W and my D. I made another "mental mistake" today by texting her asking something I shouldn't have. Wanted her to go to a IC session with me. I got the response that I deserved.

Seeing that it took much longer than I have given it for things to come around for you, gives me hope that this will eventually make a turn. I suppose the difference is that I don't know if my W has ended her A or not. This is obviously a big obstacle.

How bad did it get between you, and was it very rocky at first?

Hoping that things continue to improve for you.

[PigPen]

I'm glad I found you help! Our situations are so similar. I'm 163 days sober (pot and alcohol) myself today and am six months into a separation similar to yours. My W just got sick of hearing that "things are stressful at work right now, I'll deal with this next month" and the lack of true intimacy between us that having a substance issue brings - and took off.

One of my favorite lines to people is that I don't recommend sobriety and the emotional divorce in the same time period. Holy smokes what a gut shot. You finally feel every single emotion that's been buried for the last 10 years or so when your emotions are at their highest! Talk about a crash course in emotional intelligence.

Stay strong, it sounds like your W is still questioning things which is good. I know that mine still thinks I'm sober for her benefit (not true), and unfortunately this month on possibly bad information I made the mistake of letting her know I still wanted to be with her. When I have pulled completely away it's freaked her out a bit, but she's then come back and also said how she sees it as me being happier without her....double edged sword. I haven't seen her in 3 months.

All we can do is the basics - focus on turning yourself and keeping yourself, truly, as a man only a fool would leave. You and I weren't that in our M's. Quiet the opposite as our W's weren't fools, we were.

Have you been working a program? I went to AA a few times but it wasn't for me, alcohol wasn't my main vice, marijuana was. I've been working with Refuge Recovery, and Buddhist version of the 12 steps that doesn't really care what the substance of your addiction was, but gets after the underlying discontent that led to it. It's been more than helpful for me both with my addictions and my situation.

Stay strong, my friend. I sat myself down early on and told myself that if I had lose my W to gain my sobriety it was the heaviest of prices to pay. BUT, we both have long lives ahead of us and lives without alcohol will be far richer than lives with them. That's huge. Focus on that.

PP

[help67]

I also smoked (pot), been straight & sober for 9 months. It was a long time coming, I wanted to stop many times, but kept going back because I didn't do the work. When my w left, she was scared to meet and work on the agreement unless it was a public place, and wasn't sure if she could trust me with our d. I was never physically abusive, but I had anger issues and she didn' t know how I would react. I have always been a great dad, I now realize that was not the case, being drunk, emotionally absent, and everything that goes along with addiction. IC, meditation, and reading has gotten me to this point, and there is no going back.

My w, a couple of months ago said she believes I mean it now, the changes I am making, but it is not about look at me I am not going to be bad anymore, forgive me and come back. She said she wants to live for now, and not worry about the future. She said she will remain open, but cannot make promises, and doesnt know what the future holds.

So I have to keep progressing, be patient, and enjoy the time we spend together or interact. It's very hard as I finally understand what she has always understood, and want that deep emotional, intimate connection with her again, we did have it, but not for awhile now.

Also, my w has work to do herself. We both come from dysfunctional families, her much worse than mine. She was never good at setting boundaries, until she did when she left. This time apart was probably the only way for us to get better. Keep at it, and we will all get better.