Old dog seeks new trick 9

[Old Dog]

Not too much in the ay of GAL up here. I'm taking the boys over to my mum's this afternoon - my brother lives round the corner - and I'll watch the Wales match with them. I'll try and keep busy until then though.

I expect she'll go out at lunchtime tomorrow to see OM as their team is playing around then. She hasn't told me but it's what I'm expecting.

[Old Dog]

Who wants to see my hate list? Maybe not for posting after all as it is so depressing.

[Vanilla]

OD

I have a list and I could have shared it, but decided to convert it as far as I could with flip techniques, reframe it to a more positive frame for V. There is a book I use call Flip it and a tool that allows me to reframe. I think I have shared this already but can post a link if you would like it.

OD I would like you to feel PMA despite your Sitch. You deserve that, the intervening weeks have given OD some detachment, it is for OD a great gift.

Sadly W will take her own time to shake the denial of the harm her actions have taken. She is in the initial behavioural addiction cycle of her A without facing the consequences of it. One day she will have to and as OD gets stronger so this day will come sooner.

OD you have shifted in your attitude to W.

V

[Old Dog]

Vanilla, you are right. I just took a nice relaxing bath and thought it would be a good thing if I could, as you say, flip each item and use it to my advantage.

May ell posted a link to a reframing site a while back which I did take a look at but I think either I'm not clever enough to do this or I need help and or practice.

One of my hates is that I cannot detach sufficiently but I think it is coming. There has been a definite shift. If it weren't for the boys I would gladly curse the selfish **** all the names under the sun, chainsaw in half everything we own and disappear, never to meet again.

Right, time for breakfast, a haircut and then find stuff to do.

[Old Dog]

I expect she'll go out at lunchtime tomorrow to see OM as their team is playing around then. She hasn't told me but it's what I'm expecting.

Oh no, I was wrong. She's going out for the night. I just said 'oh right'.

[Old Dog]

I just re-read MWD's article Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself.

This seems so sensible but also so far out of reach for me at the moment. How do you get there?

WAW just came in to tell me the cat is booked into the cats home for when we go to S15s operation and they have heated pads for them. I don't want her to talk to me, stop trying to be friendly to me: you just told me half an hour ago that you're going out ****ing some other guy tonight.

And yet you want me to be an 'adult' for the sake of the children. Well **** you, you selfish ****.

This is eating me up but how do you stop?

[jim0987]

I wish I could tell you old dog. I truly do. I'd like to know myself. I know its a gradual day by day thing and its a choice we make.

But we both know not forgiving doesn't do us any good, its conceding control of ourselves to someone else.

Best thing I've found is to find an outlet, run til you throw up kind of thing. When I didn't find a healthy outlet I kicked a wall and broke a foot (really not good)

The other thing that helps me (though it does feed other issues admitedly) is empathy. There are only two real explanations behind what she is doing (the whole situation) either 1) she is not a very nice person so why would you want that or 2) she was really hurting and depression, sadness and despair left her vulnerable and desperate. If its the second and I empathise (within myself) I find it settles a little of the anger.

Enough that I can refocus on the kind of man I want to be.

And lastly, what alternative would you prefer to friendly knowing you can't change what she does, just influence how she interacts with you?

[Old Dog]

Thanks for dropping by Jim. I've written and deleted a couple of posts now but I'm not in a fit state to be constructive at the moment.

[Maybell]

This is eating me up but how do you stop?

Honestly the only thing that helped me was No Contact. And you see how angry I am still with the moderately increased contact we've had due to the kids.

Also when the weather was good I made myself go out and try to run. Sometimes my heart was so heavy I could only walk. Sometimes it was so heavy I could walk to a bench, sit and cry, then get up and walk to the next bench and try not to cry. Then I'd jog past two benches and walk to the third one. But I did try to get out and get a lot of exercise.

I made playlists of music that made me feel good about myself. Labug and a few others mentioned some -- Roar by Katy Perry, Brave by Sara Bareilles -- that were inspirational and particular to my sitch. "Tell Me What You See" by the Beatles is a song that I always imagine being a reminder to me that I get to choose how I see the world, and "On Top of the World" by Imagine Dragons was a feeling I aspired to. And of course "Living In the Moment" by Jason Mraz. Those helped me remember what I was (am) aiming for. I just keep adding to the list as I find applicable ones.

Maybe once your son has been through this health issue you'll be able to pull way back from your W and find peace. I can't imagine how hard it is to move with all this hanging over you. I'm sorry.

[Vanilla]

OD

V believes it is your current phase in the grief process. Anger.

I sense you have moved from denial and are starting to shift.

It will pass, give it time brave one. You are a dad with a precious burden in your hands which will guide and hold you.

OD, your IC is important in your process. I would recommend that you find a couple of safe friends and confidants and let go. You can let go on this board too.

OD this may have been contained for a long time and this is your release.

There is shift for OD.

We need vets with tons of experience and wisdom to advise.

I am sending peace

V