I don't know if I'm fooling myself or if my mind is just "protecting" me. I don't know if I've finally just had enough. I don't know if this is just a fleeting feeling and maybe a stage that a LBS goes through. But the fact is, I don't want my H right now. I wouldn't want him even if I could have him. And if I'm feeling this way right now, I have to ask myself if I have it in me to fight - over years - for our M and our family. For today, at least, I just don't think he's worth fighting for.
Good questions. I think every LBS goes through this. I'll ramble through some of my thinking ... you may find it helpful, you may think I'm all wet.
Certainly a big part of it is a defense mechanism. I know I don't want my W the way she is now. I mean, what kind of weak person runs away from M problems to an OM instead of confronting them? Who wants to be lied to and disrespected daily? We then highlight all of their shortcomings to justify our decision to not want them.
But then, I realize that I contributed to the conditions that caused her to break away from M as a last resort. And a lot of her behavior now is just snowball effect stuff of an OM addict who made a bad decision in a moment of weakness. And they highlight all of our shortcomings to justify their decisions to not want us, and throw that in our face in the ugliest way.
So there's a dangerous parallelism of justifications that can easily lead to D.
But I believe that my W could not have truly lost all her good qualities. This has to be a veneer. The question then is, will the veneer crack before we're too far down the road of not caring. And if it cracks, are you willing to let it go as just the snowball manifestations of an underlying problem that might be able to be resolved. And if it cracks, are the underlying qualities that you fell in love with still there? Can I confront the possibility that my W may truly not love me any more, and that this really is the new her? Do I owe it to myself to find out? Do I owe it to her or the kids to stand through this?
And while I know that I could now throw this all away and move on and be happy, (getting to that point is a goal for any LBS), the question then is do I go for the stretch goal of working to save this R, because it's the one that has my kids in it, and now that I know I can take care of me, can I really consider which way would they be better off.
And if you're still changing your thinking on all of this from day to day, I'd suggest it's still emotionally based, and you owe it another day.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
Another tough day. Going through receipts for taxes. I find so many things that are hard. A lot of memories in that box: Hotels, Disney World, Tiffany's, Victoria Secret, Yankee Candle, and a host of others. I buy her a lot of gifts. I really miss that part of the relationship, going shopping and buying her things.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
I have read the book. Gifts was actually the lowest for me. I was physical touch and quality time, I love to hold her hand and rub back at bedtime. I really miss spending time with her.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
Today was going well. My GAL activity was taking D21 out to a friends for dinner. Wife was not happy. I think she was a bit upset at being left home alone. I'm really confused by her definition of needing space.
When we got back she was cranky, in a moment of weakness I got drawn into a confrontation. I told her I saw the naked pictures on her phone. She accused me of invading her privacy and making things worse. Told me I'm pushing her away.
Could my GAL activities be having the opposite impact? Pushing her further away.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
Burger - the LL you use to express your love, and the LL you like to receive in might be different. It sounds like you express your love via gifts, just based on what you were saying.
On GAL - I had this same concern some time ago, but I was told to keep GALing. In my case H seemed to get less upset over time. The upset might be a phase she's going through, or she might be jealous you have a life and she doesn't, or that her plan B seems to be getting his own life.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Thank-you Susana4, that makes sense with the LL. I always thought my wife liked the gifts, and I think she did. But after reading the book I think her primary LL is probably affirmation, or maybe acts of service.
I will keep on GALing. I'm not going to sit at home be mopey all the time.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
Today was going well. My GAL activity was taking D21 out to a friends for dinner. Wife was not happy. I think she was a bit upset at being left home alone. I'm really confused by her definition of needing space.
When we got back she was cranky, in a moment of weakness I got drawn into a confrontation. I told her I saw the naked pictures on her phone. She accused me of invading her privacy and making things worse. Told me I'm pushing her away.
Could my GAL activities be having the opposite impact? Pushing her further away.
I don't think it's the GAL activities...I think it's the moments of weakness and accusational R talk that lead her to that reaction. This seems so obvious I feel I am missing something.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
From where I am she does seem upset that I'm continuing with my life and not sitting around waiting for her to decide what she wants. She's been left home a fair amount while I'm out doing things. She always used to come to dinner with me to the friends house I took D21 to last night.
I asked her if I was giving her 'space' properly she said No. I asked her what I needed to do to give her 'space' better, she said she didn't know.
Maybe I need to invite her out more. It's just hard spending time with someone when you can tell they would rather be somewhere else, and are so anxious to get on their phone that everytime you turn around out comes the phone.
Maybe I need to step back and look at this from an outsiders point of view and then I will see what you mean.
Thank-you for the note.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
I asked her if I was giving her 'space' properly she said No. I asked her what I needed to do to give her 'space' better, she said she didn't know.
DON'T ask her this. Just do it, and monitor the results.
Not sure if you've been following Rzrback's sitch or not, but he's in a different place -- piecing, or something very close to it. At that stage you can (and should) ask your spouse if you're meeting their emotional needs, but you should NOT do it at this stage, when they're WAYWARD. It just makes you look WEAK, like "Am I doing it right? Am I? Is this okay? Or how about that, is that better?"
