Hers a quick question: what's the point of a was deleting her texts and incoming/outgoing calls if she's been caught, knows I know it continues, and knows I have the evidence I needed to be certain?
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Not that she's trying to save the M, but when reading your last several posts, it sounds as if she is DBing you. You come in after GAL and it doesn't phase her. She stays all cool and calm, and giving vague answers.
You are the one who is living in frustration, Mac. Don't you think it needs to be reversed? It sounds as if she has chosen Starsky's # 1. She seems perfectly content.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ok, here's a cap of whats transpired in the past number of days. Approx. 5 days ago, I checked her phone. I found ALL kinds of sexual stuff on it between her and the OM. BUT, I also noticed something change in Tabby. She had told me that hadn't had her emotional needs met...one of the msgs she sent to him, said something along the lines of "..y'know there's more to this than just the sexting" and mentioned actual feelings. His response? Something like "you know I gotta feed the ego."....She also mentioned that she was feeling ignored (as I can only assume the two hadn't been talking for awhile, and he didn't answer her texts. I knew in all eventuality, that he would distance himself from any "relationship" talk, as, he's there to (as he said himself) "feed his ego". Regardless, seeing the texts, I was pissed, and I confronted Tabby. I wasn't mean, or angry, I just told her that I had wished she could've shared herself like that with me in this marriage. Of course, it turned into an arguement. I eventually, after telling her 'yes, this is how I feel' - that if she's going to continue, than she can get the paperwork, and file for the divorce she wants so bad. She said, "dont you think I've talked to a lawyer?" Of course not, she's been lying to my face. And shortly afterwards, she admitted she had not. I called mine in front of her right there and then, made an appointment, and told him (in front of her) that we should be expecting paperwork with her filing. She began mentioning my GAL. I've been dressing nice, going out, talking with and meeting new people, ect. I've been going to the gym, dancing, playing pool, ect. She lost it on me. Told me NO ONE ever gets dressed the way I do, shaves, polishes shoes, and goes out, unless there's someone on the side. She was livid. I explained that I'm going out for me, and moving on with my life, as she mentioned many times "we're done", and that she is in an affair. I told her I was preparing myself for her departure. She immediately got on the phone, called her mom. She told her mom that I was being an a$$hole, and the OM had been ignoring her. She reiterated to her mom, that I was going out, and of course, it had to be with someone else (which has never happened). Her mother subsequently, posted on my Facebook account. Her mother stated "do your friends and mom know where you go at night and with who? Be honest with yourself. She then stated I am a horrible person to treat her daughter and the kids the way I am, by wanting my wife to move out. The third and final thing she said, was that if I had a heart, and ever found it, that I'd realize that deep down, tabby was unhappy in the marriage a long time ago, and that her wanting someone else didn't cause this. I defended myself of course, but realized later, that was a mistake. Being innocent of anything, I should be happy with just that. By engaging with her mom, I just bring more resentment and fuel a crappy situation. Tabby and I talked again two days ago. We actually 'talked' without yelling. I reiterated that I fully accept the fact that I had appeared distant to her. I explained again the way men and women communicate, and what I've learned from MWD books and videos (he says this, she 'hears' this and vice versa). For the first time in SO long, she spoke by telling me exactly what she wanted and exactly what she felt bringing up different situations. And by her being open, I told her, "That, I can understand", "That, I hear" and that "That, is exactly how we're meant to talk". It was the most pleasant we've spoken since this all happened at the beginning of the month. I mentioned her mother's involvement, Tabby said her mother was just angry, and that, I can understand. She's confused, as she hears all the negative justification from Tabby about "what he's doing when out, ect. Tabby also said, 'When you go out, dressed to the 9's, what am "I" SUPPOSED to think. Thing is folks, she 'left' the marriage and is tuned out. She should be happy in her new 'relationship', but just how happy is she? She mentioned she's not sleeping much, because of the situation - she should be fine! My mom (the shrink), thinks that things are probably not going to well with her OM. She also believes that Tabby is in a "waffling" mind right now...that things are becoming a little more "real" for her. I'm going out, I'm leaving the house, I'm being secretive (Tabbys words). And, I'm actually in a far better mood, I feel like my old pre-marriage self! And I thinks it's being felt. I'm being a man again. Lets put it in perspective abit. I have a drivers license (well, temp one for car/van). On my motorcycle I'm fine, love it. But an actual car? I HATE driving. It scares the crap out of me, I just get nervous. Two days ago, she asked if I'd take my smallest S to the dentist office. It was -20 out, but its only a 6min walk away to the plaza. I said sure, she asked if I wanted to drive (she knows I'm nervouse about driving) and re-assured me that it's so close I wouldnt be on the road for long. I manned up, and plunged in (I think to her surprise). I was at the dentist for 10 mins.....and then I did something I'd never done. I went out shopping...multiple places, all over the city. I think that shocked the hell out of her. I then came home, dropped off groceries, ect.....and left again, to the school to get my oldest. And through the city again I drove; to the mall to shop for things I had missed. That night, I went upstairs, watched some tv, her on the other end of the couch, and said nothing. When it was time to go back downstairs, I said 'have a good night, thanks for the use of the van" and that was it. Next morning (dad who didn't do too much) got up before everyone, made my kids breakfast, and was back in the van, driving my kid to school - again, I think she was shocked.
I know she hates my going out, my dressing up, my happy demeanor, my (now) being more responsible doing things (like actually driving)..it's showing I'm moving on, and I'll be fine without her.
Today, she was gone after dropping off my son at school, for an extra 40 mins. I was choked, I thought she had gone to see a lawyer. So, I called mine, to make an appoint for next week, when she returned. She knew it was him on the phone, but, I have to be prepared for what may come. I asked today if she had spoken to one, thus far, she has not. Half and hour ago, I was on the couch, playing with my smallest, and her daycare kids (which is WAY out of what I'd normally do), and she began to mention putting the kids in swim programs. Not sure whats going on, but it even FEELS like something's changing...she's leaving her phone accessible more often (not sure if its because she's deleting txts, and doesnt care if I look (I dont anymore), or, if she's just testing me. I've caught her looking my direction a little, here and there as well. Still lost as to what to think, hoping she's being torn up inside, even though she hasn't until recently expressed any concern. Just hoping my GAL doesnt push her OUT the door...being accused of going out to 'be' with someone else was a hard pill to swallow..hearing her tell her mom the same, was even harder!
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
It WAS fantastic...thought about my wife ONCE. The second I took hold of my assigned partner. And that was it. The rest of the time, I thought of absolutely nothing.
Back tomorrow night, can't wait!
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Also noticed a few more things. Today when I was playing with the kids in the living room, she came to the threshold of the kitchen and was watching the interaction. I watched all the kids look up at her, I didn't have to look to know she was there. There has been a little more eye contact as well. For instance, I was making everyone dinner the other night (the note we actually talked), not only was there eye contact during the whole conversation, there were times the kids interrupted, and she chased them out of the room, or shoo'd them away, AND came back to the room to continue the convo. As if she was truly interested to actively listen and engage. I ended the convo on my own accord. As she walked to the other room, she turned to just look at me...its been a VERY long time since she'd done that. No longer walking on eggshells either. Feel empowered knowing my GAL DOES bother her! Of quick note. I asked her at the end of our convo.."do you realize this is the most we've talked since all of this started"..she said she does, she then asked "do you realize how you spend time in the basement has neglected our intimacy?" (As I'm still in the basement if I'm not out, I asked "now?(at present)..she said " for the past 6yrs (it hasn't been though). Question. Do I begin 'removing myself from the basement more often to spend the time in the same room, or continue the way I have been, and wait for HER to initiate a convo? Note 2: When we're in the same room and I'm playing with the kids, not always, but I'm noticing, that every once in a while, I'll see her smile-not a huge white teeth bared chompers smile, but a smile all the same.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
I don't know the full situation as to why you were in the basement in the first place but if it were me I would be in my bed. W can go somewhere else if it were a problem.
And maybe that was part of the problem you had with her. Not being together like that was a problem with me and my W. I had a back pain and could not be in bed for many months. It gave her the space and lack of emotional maintenance for her EA to begin.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
I was in the basement all the time, as that's where all my stuff, and the computer is. It hurt her feelings, and in so, she felt neglected, and unloved. I'm in the basement now, as I have to detach, while I GAL...problem is, I'm unsure if maybe I should be spending time upstairs with her when we have been having, it seems, more communication, or at least, a better 'feel' between the two of us. I know what gave her much of that 'loss of intimacy' feel..I just don't know if I'm supposed to 180 that previous behavior now, or if it would be pushing her boundaries, as, I don't know what they are. Incidently, I had a call from the landlord today, about rent. Told him Tabby was already there this a.m. to pay it. He said he checked his receipts, and she wasn't there. I wasn't angry, usually I would've assumed she just lied to me again...instead, I sent a text to her letting her know we'd been in contact, and I wanted to know if she was being honest with me. She called, very angry with me.she said she felt I went behind her back, checking up on her. After the call, first thing I did was call the guy back...and SURPRISE, he made a mistake. There goes ANYTHING that had been deposited in her love bank this week. Unbelievable!
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
