I get so confused on here sometimes. I get discouraged I guess. I am thankful for the progress my wife and I are making, but than I have days that I wonder in the back of my mind if she is speaking to someone else. She still hugs me(and those are improving), I am getting kisses now also. Wedding ring is still on. Maybe it is a gut feeling or maybe it is because I keep reading on here about everyone else found out there was someone else when they thought there wasn't. She does not want to move out. We talk alot and act like we used to alot. But there is just something that gives me an uneasy feeling. Maybe it is my imagination or more fear. I don't know.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
New development! I think my wife is having an emotional affair. I always had a feeling in my gut. I have been trying to get on our cell phone account, but had trouble with the password. It is under her name. In the past I have been able to get on it. But for the past few months I could not. Today I had her text me the log in information. Didn't work. When I came home I told her it wasn't working. I told her this as she was getting ready to take a nap. She asked if I wanted to use her computer and she would log on. I assumed she was going to log on and then go take her nap. Nope. Sat right next to me. I told her I was going to look at getting a new phone and I would close her computer and put it back while she naps. She said she couldn't sleep. After I looked at a few phones I told her I had to use the bathroom and I would look later. Guess where she was when I came back out. In bed. But she said I could look at the phones if I wanted, she left the page up. I took the computer out front and found she had logged out. When I tried logging in with the same information she said she just used, it would not work! So I just happened to see on one of her web browsers her work name. Her phone sex operator name. When I typed the first letter in the search, about 4 different email accounts came up! One was her work email. The others were not. She has hid her phone for the past few months, which started raising flags for me. I have a sneaky suspicion that she may be using her work name to talk to someone. I don't have any hard evidence. But I am sick and tired of the sneaking around. I don't hide a thing from her. I can't believe how a person can hug and kiss you and talk about things in the future as a family, but screw around behind your back. What the check?
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Sorry you have found something like this. This is why snooping is discouraged. The old adage of "Peek not through a keyhole lest ye be vexed" springs to mind.
As you said, you always had a gut feeling that something was up. People who are cheating...lie, that's the bottom line.
She may well be hugging, kissing you and talking of the future to keep you there as a safety net in case this fantasy that she's possibly acting out doesn't work. Sorry to say but you may be the back-up plan right now. I'm not saying she IS definatly cheating but it does sound like she is in some way.
Personally, I wouldn't confront her until you are totally sure that this IS the case, and you have some hard evidence to back it up. It WILL mean snooping around a bit (which is usually discouraged) but if you need to know, you need to know.
You could just use this development to detach from her though - that's what I would do first. Bear in mind that you sat and laid bare your soul to your W, and admitted all of your faults etc. She gave you a hug, shed some (possibly) crocodile tears and said that you both had things to work on. Yet in the back of her mind she was (again, possibly) thinking about an OM. I would definatly be using that to detach whilst trying to find out for sure. If you do find out and have the evidence to back it up, you could then calmly confront her about it IMHO.
Others will chip in with their take on this, and i'm not a vet so temper my advise with the knowledge that my M is broken right now and my opinion may not be the best course of action.
Try not to obsess over it, as hard as that may sound.
Take care, Barry.
Me 40 W 38 T 23 M 21 S21 S19 D16 S14 BD 19/12/2014 D mentioned 27/2/2015. I filed 08/04/2015, D Absolute 04/11/2015
I was against snooping also until things just weren't adding up! I have alot of thinking to do! There are 2 small kids involved that will be devastated. But the main reason I snooped after my warning flags came up was I am NOT going to be someone's plan B!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
While the snooping is not recommended by most, i couldn't keep moving on without knowing first about my wifes EA. This knowledge helped me draw clear lines, especially lately. I will agree with Barry though, my M is also in a state of upheaval, so take everything i say with a grain of salt.
I found writing my daily thoughts in a journal helps immensely, sounds corny, but each day its getting more and more cathartic to write down how the day went, my feelings, interactions, etc. It's helping give clarity to the situation.
As for the EA, i don't want to be a downer, but it sounds very similar to my situation, and unfortunately you know your relationship and your wife better than anyone, so your gut is likely correct. Its a horrible feeling, believe me i know, but from my experience, its better to find out and deal with it vs. the not knowing, which just ate me up (your imagination will always beat reality).
Its rather easy to get into your phone records if she's blocked you out online. If you have her last 4 social numbers, you can call in and get them to send/fax you a copy of the phone/text logs for x-months. If not that, just push for getting access to the account online. Thats my opinion though...
M: 10 years, T: 12 years Me: 41, WAW: 38 SS:19, D:18, SD:7
It just baffles me how someone can act all nice to you and lie right to your face!! The reason I was snooping was because she wants a new truck. But with her employment, it is hard to get one. Hard to verify it and she has no paystubs. She was planning on me being on her loan so she could get the truck. I don't want to be mixed up with that now. I can see why she has not slept well lately. Maybe the guilt got to her after I apologized for my wrongs in our marriage and asked for forgiveness. She got pretty choked up. I could tell she was lying about the cell phone log in last night. You get to know someones tells after they lie for so long.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Good idea swabby. I will work on that. The hard part about proving who she is talking to is you just get numbers. With her contact with her people from work, it is hard to tell. There was a number I saw months ago that I was able to do a search. It showed up as some 34 year old guy from close to where she grew up. Back when I was doing alot of snooping and freaking out, I found the same number on her Vonage phone in the speed dial and his name there with the number. I called her and blew up! Of course she claims it was one of the girls from work and that is her husband. She just saved it with the wrong name. I was very tempted to call the number and ask for the wife and see what happens. But I left it alone.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Yeah. Read up on EA's. Its like a drug for them, they get an actual high of endorphins and Oxytocin pumped into their body from the whole thing. Its hard to turn that off, especially for women. Your wife truly not thinking clearly, as her brain is being pumped full of these extra chemicals which can actually affect the decision making process. Its whats referred to as the "Honeymoon Phase", where theres no reality involved. No kids, bills, past transgressions and issues. Makes it impossible for her to be objective and see whats really going on.
The one thing you HAVE to know though Joe, and this is a TOUGH one. Its got nothing to do with you. Its not your fault.
Cant stress that one enough.
If she is having an EA, she made a choice to do that, not you. She could have chosen to work things out, talk to you, a thousand different things, but she chose that instead. Its been one of the hardest things for me to deal with, this realization, but you need to KNOW inside eventually to heal from it. Its not your choice at all.
If you want to just talk at some point, i'm around and available to chat, sometimes just talking to someone else helps IMMENSELY.
Barry is right, if she's is, and it sounds like she is, you need to stand up for yourself. First you do need to confirm it, but breaking off, and making yourself NOT the backup plan needs to happen.
M: 10 years, T: 12 years Me: 41, WAW: 38 SS:19, D:18, SD:7
