Post retreat situation

[Marylov]

Thanks Heart14. I appreciate your advice. He is moving out today and tomorrow. Our fight yesterday really made it clear that we need time away from each other, things are getting worse every day he is in the house

[Heart14]

I'm sorry, Mary! I hope the S will give you both some peace and time for healing.

[June315]

Hi Mary, when drugs/alcohol are involved, it is a whole other world completely. My H used to do cocaine and in the midst of it, it was hell for me. He went to rehab for 6 or 9 weeks a few times but we never really separated. It was insane and I know I lost friends and pieces of me bc of it.

I think you are brave to move ahead with your separation.

[Marylov]

Thank you! I don't feel very brave, I am taking this pretty hard. Yesterday was one of the hardest days. My D and I left Friday evening to go stay with my parents. He was packing when we left, and it was a very emotional goodbye for both of us. I am really praying that these next few days pass quickly, and that I can start to feel at peace with our new normal. And I am going to really try to keep in mind that my actions should say, "I'm going to be happy living my life. You are free to join if you want, and if you don't, that's okay too."

[June315]

I feel your pain. I don't even know if or when the S happens with me, if I 'd be able to stand it. My life is so intertwined with him. I don't even know if any of us know who we are really.But I am trying to get this in my little head, " I am the only one who can make me happy".

So, Mary You are the only one who can make yourself happy

[Marylov]

Well today was a good day. Even though I have had moments where I feel very overwhelmed by single motherhood, I am (for now) trying to act as if my husband is on a business trip. That is, enjoy time I hardly ever get to myself, and enjoy the freedom to do whatever makes me happy. And not focus so much on what he is or isn't doing while he's away from me. I have to say, this is easier to do because of my amazing family support system. The silver lining in this whole scenario is that it has made my close relationship with my family even stronger

[sandi2]

Have you considered talking with a DB coach?

Your M can be saved. However, it will take major work on your part, and no expectations on his part. If you can't do that, then you need to accept it. I am saying this based on why you didn't think it was asking too much of him when talking about the dating issue after S.

If he wants to leave the M, and is depressed, too..........then having expectations from him would set yourself up for big disappointment. Sorry for being so harsh, I am trying to tell you from my own personal experience of being the depressed WAS. He doesn't have the energy or desire to work on a relationship. If you press him, he'll bail. Now if he has good working medication, plus time, it could help him with the depression. I don't know how well it may work on his desire for the MR.

Knowing this, what will you decide?

[Card29]

Mary, I posted this in response to you on my thread. I thought I'd copy it here to make sure you saw it:

No apologies necessary. Everyone walks their own path, but so many paths here are amazingly similar.

Do not give up hope if that's what your heart desires! That is not foolish. But follow the advice uRworthy once gave me:

You can have hope. Nothing wrong with that. You can have it. You just dont want to live in it, ya know?

That phrase really resonated with me. I hope it helps you.

Also, don't follow my lead with the chasing, begging and pleading...I was a habitual pursuer! I don't know how many it helped or hurt my sitch, but it definitely harmed me. It just held me back somewhat. Of course, I would have needed several months to process this loss even if I had followed the DB script to a t. But that didn't help. Don't be discouraged by failures, though. You're not going to blow your chances for reconciliation with a few DB slip-ups

I'm so sorry that our first holiday season as a mother was like that. There is not much I can promise you with your sitch. But here is one thing I feel confident saying, if you can stick with the ideas here: Your 2015 holiday season will be much better, as far as your sitch and your emotions regarding it.

How have your last 24 hours been?

[Marylov]

Sandi, I understand that he doesn't have the energy to work on our relationship. I sent him a set of items regarding a controlled separation that I found online, and one of the items was in regards to doing work on our relationship. His response was that doing any "homework" was the last thing he needed. My response was to say that I agreed, that we needed time to just breathe. I am willing to do the work, and I am working really hard to not put any pressure on him. It is totally against my nature and instincts though. I want so badly to try to reason with him as to why he can't just quit on our family. But I know that will do no good. My strategy right now is to back off, not contact him unless necessary. But I want to be pleasant and friendly when we do communicate. I just don't know if he will follow through with his "announcment" about going to see a doctor. I Kind of doubt it.

Card, the last 24 hours have been a roller coaster ride. I cried myself to sleep last night, but tonight I am quite calm and almost content in bed watching my shows. I think I am struggling right now with the fact that I really miss him as my friend. I still love him so much, and I would love to just go to dinner with him. I am hoping that after another week i can start to work on starting to rebuild at least our friendship. I keep telling myself that if I focus on reconnecting instead of reconciling, things will be easier.

[Card29]

Didn't realize you had this thread already, so I'll post my response to your "post retreat" thread here:

Soak up those moments when you are content. Don't chase them or try to force them to happen, but try to sink into them when they do come, savor them. You need rest, especially with a D1 by yourself. Anytime you're stressing about your sitch, you are doing the opposite of resting. I lost 15-20 pounds (starting from a healthy weight) in 2 weeks last summer. Yes, I was eating less, but I was also burning at least an extra 1,000 calories a day due to anxiety. Get as much sleep as you can (try to nap), and when you find yourself in one of those moments of calm, try to dodge any thoughts that will take you out of it.

MrBond, I'm confused about your comments about LRT earlier in this thread? Going from what DR says, as Marylov mentioned, a physical separation requires LRT. And he exhibits every other sign (not wanting to work on the R at all, etc.). Any additional thoughts?

Mary, from your other thread:

I think I am struggling right now with the fact that I really miss him as my friend. I still love him so much, and I would love to just go to dinner with him. I am hoping that after another week i can start to work on starting to rebuild at least our friendship. I keep telling myself that if I focus on reconnecting instead of reconciling, things will be easier.

Be careful trying to rebuild anything at this point, even friendship. To him, it may come off as pressuring, and could push him even further away. It also sets you up for extra, unnecessary disappointment. You know your sitch better than anyone though. Search your heart - do you really think he might want to work on your friendship right now? I know that you so badly want to connect with him, to laugh with him, talk with him. Try as best you can to make decisions from deep thought, though, not your desires, however desperate they are.

Here's to a good Thursday for you!