Have spent the last week reading forum posts and have found it incredibly helpful, particularly Sandi's 37 List.
Wife told me last week ILYBINILWY, and I did all the wrong things. Begged, pleaded, promised to change. A few days later she told me the M was over. Pointed out how disrespectful I have been and that she has never been happy with me. Choked up, I asked if she wanted a D, and she said yes. Two young children, 4 & 6. I left the house and stayed at a friends house. I didn't eat for two days and had many suicidal thoughts. Went to a counselor first thing monday morning. It helped greatly. Was diagnosed as bi-polar II and prescribed lamictal and lexapro. Luckily, I found this site. Have been doing LRT and have already noticed a difference in W. She's pointed out some of my 180's which I did not acknowledge. It is now Thursday and my outlook is much better. I genuinely feel at peace and am no longer suicidal. I've put on a brave face and have acted like a fun loving H around my kids (I've come home when they arrive and had dinner with W, and helped put kids to bed). After putting the kids to bed, I quickly say good night and gather belongings and head out the door. Went to MC solo today, and have a couples appointment set for Monday. I live in a rural area and could not find DB or DR at any of the local stores. Will look for it when I head to the nearest large city soon. W hasn't seen an attorney yet, not sure if there is an OM or not. She says there is nothing going on, she's just sick of me. Intuition tells me otherwise. longer story, but trying to keep this brief.
M: 8 years, together 9 M: 41 W: 32 D 4, S 6 ILYBINILWY 2/10/15 2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home 4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread 4/19/15 W asked for D
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I ordered the book through Amazon. I have been taking Lexapro for several months now. Helps a ton. I suffer from depression. I am learning so much here. It is so great to find a place with people who understand and have been there.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Hi SD - so sorry you're here, and welcome aboard! As you have read already, there are many very wise people on the boards. And if you look at the numbers of posts for some people, a lot of experience and knowledge. Some names of 'vets' to look out for are Starsky, Wonka. LITB, Cadet, Train, Mr Bond....I'm sure there are others, but these spring to mind. Their advice is generally spot on.
You may want to create yourself a signature, like many people have at the bottom of their posts - gives others an 'at a glance' picture of your sitch.
Sounds like you are off to a good start on the DB front anyway. I didn't discover DB until a few months after BD, and made all kinds of mistakes in the meantime. Keep posting little and often. Read other threads to find others in similar sitches. And settle in for the duration. One thing you learn here is that things take a bunch of time to get resolved. There are no quick fixes.
Can you tell us a bit more about the problems in your R that led to this point? The more we know, the more we can help.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you all for your responses. I have DR on order from Amazon. I read each of the threads you linked Cadet. All very inciteful.
I have been at the house each night this week to spend time with the W and kids, but mostly the kids. Have been following the 37 steps to a T and they seemed to be working great. W texted me a nice message with a youtube link to a sweet song today after we had a really good conversation last night. (She called after I left to the house I'm staying).
Tonight I backslid though. I'm still learning how to employ the method (especially having not read the book yet). I watched the kids while she went out with a bunch of her friends. This went against everything in my fiber. But, I did it with a smile on my face and a cheerful disposition. After reading one of the other threads, it occurred to me that I should not be the one who left our residence. I have every right to sleep in my own bed, as I'm not the one who is WA. When she returned, a little drunk, I had no suspicion she was doing anything other than what she said she was doing. I'm am thinking that there is not an OM, she's basically sick of me. When she returned, we talked briefly, and I said bluntly, that I want to return to the house and sleep in my own bed. Just because it's convenient for me to stay at my friends house, doesn't make it right. This upset her, because she said she never "kicked me out". And that she could stay at her Mother or Father's house, or in our MIL apartment. I apologized and said I would give her more time. Also, earlier in the day she had said that when she returned from going out that I could stay in the MIL apt or on the couch, to which I responded slightly tersely, "not going to happen!" I thought it was minor at the time, but I saw the wall go up immediately. I thanked her for letting me know that every tone of every response I make really needs to be tempered. We had a productive talk after, where I really tried to validate and repeat what she had said. I think she appreciated this, because she knew I was listening to her concerns. We talked some more, and I said something to the effect of "I love you and I know you love me" (major backslide) and this really made her mad and she let me know. That's the kind of demeaning comment that makes it sound as if I know what's best for her. It seemed innocuous in the moment, but I'm really starting to understand how this works. She's just not ready yet and I'm still learning the ebb and flow of this technique. I must be more patient.
Back to going dim and GAL. We have a MC appointment on Monday that I'm both looking forward to and dreading at the same time. What I've garnered is that she's both very serious and I need to step of my game and continue working on me. I actually think this backslide was beneficial. I am more hopeful than I was even a few days ago and feel a dialogue has at least been opened. I learned how dismissive I can be and how innocuous statements can, indeed be very demeaning, even though they weren't meant to be.
I will update my signature.
M: 8 years, together 9 M: 41 W: 32 D 4, S 6 ILYBINILWY 2/10/15 2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home 4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread 4/19/15 W asked for D
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Welcome aboard. I hope you will post often and keep us updated.
Did your W complain about anything else beside you being disrespectful? In what ways do you show disrespect? Do you agree that you have treated her disrespectfully? Was it news to you, or has she complained in the past?
I think you may have more than just a walk-away wife, but IDK yet. There is a possibility she has become wayward in her morals/values. There may be a third party involved. Would that be a deal breaker for you?
You situation will involve more than just improving a otherwise healthy M. If she wants a D, it is not healthy at all. What you may have thought should be what you should do to make things work......is in fact not going to work at this time. What we will tell you will seem very counterproductive, but if you can hang in there with us, we will do our best to help you get over the hardest hump.
I can probably tell you more things not to do than things "to do" with a WAW. But we can't get it all covered in a couple of posts. And, there are no short cuts or magic formula to use. It is a hard and long road ahead. However, depending on how many backslides you have, I believe it could be shorten a little.
The more information you can give us, the better we can help. Why did you ask your W right off if she wanted a D? Has D come up in conversations in the past? And why do you seem to accept her reason of just being sick of you? Are you an obnoxious person?
There is a difference in being disrespectful and standing up to a wayward wife. If she is wayward, you will not get her back by trying to appease her. You can't "nice" her back into the M. Know what I mean? So stand your ground as long as it aligns with your values, principles, belief system, etc. But you need to know where to draw the line between standing up for yourself and being a bully. You cannot place pressure on a WAW. Get that now. No pressure!
With that said, now is the time to think on your values and where you would draw another kind of line, and I'm talking about if your personal boundaries were dishonored. Don't act on it right now, just read up on it.
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When she returned, we talked briefly, and I said bluntly, that I want to return to the house and sleep in my own bed. Just because it's convenient for me to stay at my friends house, doesn't make it right. This upset her, because she said she never "kicked me out". And that she could stay at her Mother or Father's house, or in our MIL apartment. I apologized and said I would give her more time.
Why did you apologize? Did you suddenly believe you were wrong? If that's the case, fine. If you did so as a way of placating, it doesn't work. The only thing that will be effective at this time, is for her to see your inner strength in these matters.
MWD says to pick your battles. Some things are worth the battle and some things need to let be. You decide what's worth a battle, or not. When this starts hitting you from every side, it's easy to get completely off balance, and tend to make little irritations become major issues. That's why it is important to take very good care of your health (physically and mentally).
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I thought it was minor at the time, but I saw the wall go up immediately. I thanked her for letting me know that every tone of every response I make really needs to be tempered.
I'm not sure how you mean this.
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We had a productive talk after, where I really tried to validate and repeat what she had said. I think she appreciated this, because she knew I was listening to her concerns.
This showed her you were being respectful enough to really listen to what she had to say. That's good. Everyone wants that much consideration.
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We talked some more, and I said something to the effect of "I love you and I know you love me" (major backslide) and this really made her mad and she let me know. That's the kind of demeaning comment that makes it sound as if I know what's best for her. It seemed innocuous in the moment, but I'm really starting to understand how this works.
You did not intend for it to sound demeaning, but we women don't take kindly to men telling us how we feel. If anything, we will do the opposite, to prove you didn't know how we felt after all. Lesson learned?
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She's just not ready yet and I'm still learning the ebb and flow of this technique. I must be more patient.
This statement causes me a little concern. "She's just not ready yet". Maybe I have given you too much benefit of doubt, but we'll see as it goes along.
In case you have it in your mind that this will be a quick fix (to get her ready), you sadly mistaken. Get ready for the hardest work you have every applied in your life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I think that I've been disrespectful in dismissing her complaints in the past. My tone has certainly been derogatory several times and I can be a petulant child often. I always get my way. She has complained often over the years and I was always concerned about myself and getting my way. I don't think I did it intentionally, but I was very moody.
Here is an update. Wife didn't necessarily ask for a D, when she said she wasn't in love with me and couldn't see herself ever being in love with me again, I asked her if she wanted a D. She hesitated and responded Yes. One of her friends told me that she felt like I coerced that answer from her.
On Monday, we went to our first MC session. I didn't find it particularly helpful, but W sited several examples of me being disrespectful, absent, or just plain being a jerk. I didn't really have much to say other than acknowledge every example as true. The MC asked if we'd be willing to commit to a timeframe to work on the marriage in earnest. We both agreed to 3 months. We have another appointment next week. I think W was just thrilled to get me to MC after all these years of hounding me. My communication skills are wretched and I don't think I ever truly acknowledged her voice in matters. I really do bear a lot of the responsiblity. After MC we went to lunch and W was extremely sweet, she was still shaking. We had a great conversation about everything and rated the MC, but didn't discuss OR. I felt really good about everything and it wasn't really as bad as I had expected.
Later that evening, after the kids were bathed and asleep, we each drank a few glasses of wine and spoke casually. A lot of the edge in her stance was dulled. We went to our room and she intimated that I respect her privacy (Mental and physical). I agreed to stay on my side of the bed. Before long, I felt her leg caressing mine and she made a move. We ML and it was fantastic. We snuggled after and awoke like nothing was amiss.
The next morning, I asked how she felt. She said she felt bad... and felt bad about feeling bad. We texted and talked throughout the day. It's very gradually getting better. I know she loves me and I now have hope.
She was cold the next evening, trying to re-establish boundaries, which I honored. I'm away on a business trip now and she has been texting me all day and apologizing about making it "weird" last night.
I honestly don't think there is OM, but I'm not ruling anything out. I really do think she wanted me to get help for my depression and mood swings and this was the only way she could ever get me to go. Since getting on the lexapro, I've felt better than I have in years. I have motivation to exercise and my confidence is through the roof (compared to a week ago). I've been dressing very nice and cleaning the house, organizing, doing dishes and helping more with the kids. All with a smile on my face. I can tell we still have a long way to go, but I feel that even if it doesn't work out, I'll be OK.
M: 8 years, together 9 M: 41 W: 32 D 4, S 6 ILYBINILWY 2/10/15 2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home 4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread 4/19/15 W asked for D
Since I'm still on moderation, I'll post a little more info. I'm painting myself as a really bad guy, but I would say I was 90% affectionate and loving and 10% absent and dismissive. I travel a lot for work and we talk almost everyday. We have been in a rut since our second child was born and have been in somewhat of a very mundane existence.
The more I think about the possibility of waywardness, it is possible, but I'm baffled as to who and how. We hardly have any time to ourselves as it is. If she's having an EA, I have missed every clue.
M: 8 years, together 9 M: 41 W: 32 D 4, S 6 ILYBINILWY 2/10/15 2/14/15-2/22/15 Left home 4/5/15 Suspect A, Initiated Sandi's advice from WW thread 4/19/15 W asked for D
