Masterpiece still in progress...

[Jer2911]

I am glad that you had a chance to see the person behind the mask...

Or...

Did you really just see another mask....

I am not saying that it was, or wasn't. What I am saying is, to be careful that this wasn't another attempt to gain control over the situation....

Use your knowledge to see the difference for yourself.

Stranger things HAVE happened...

I did think about that... But, based on what happened yesterday with another family member and what I know from living with her for nearly 10 years, I do think she let her walls down and that I saw the person behind the mask. And that she's really having a big nervous breakdown right now...

As I begin to look at the whole big picture and put more of the pieces of the puzzle together -- here is what I am beginning to believe...

She's probably been depressed (undiagnosed) for years -- probably from before she ever met me... We met and she was on the infatuation "high" (helped along with our very active social life with lots of friends, drinking, traveling together, etc.) up until she got pregnant... Then the depression kicked back in (probably helped along with shifting hormones) and after the kids were born we became so busy being parents while the depression dug in deeper... Over time -- more stress, depression continues to impact her perceptions of life and her memories of us together, hormones continue to shift as a result of midlife and peri-menopause, and then BOOM her stepmom dies unexpectedly (they were very close) and she begins uncontrolled spiral into major MLC and concludes that she's never really been happy or "in love" with me and that our relationship/marriage needs to end at the same time that she begins developing an EA with a much younger OW online (which became PA a few weeks ago)...

Maybe I'm wrong in my assessment of all of that -- we will never know unless she really begins to work through all of it in therapy... and I'll only know for sure if we ever reach a point where we can really talk about all of it.

But -- sure, you could be right... maybe it is just a new mask... But something tells me this is different... something is happening... something different...

I know her walls will go back up and that this was only temporary... So I don't think the "awakening" is happening... Maybe just that there are beginning to be some cracks in the walls...

[Wonka]

Jer,

I need to gently remind you that my own MLC lasted for 5 years. It took a long time to reintegrate myself and be content with who I am today. It may take as equally long time as it will be for W to walk through this journey.

There will be times when the MLC will have clarity moments and/or appear to be lucid. They're far and few in between. Nothing to do with you.

I do recall a few lucid moments then went right back to confusion, pressure, and feeling like having zero control of my life & surroundings.

[Jer2911]

Jer,

I need to gently remind you that my own MLC lasted for 5 years. It took a long time to reintegrate myself and be content with who I am today. It may take as equally long time as it will be for W to walk through this journey.

If she ever makes it through the journey and doesn't get stuck. My biggest fear is that she will never be aware enough to get the help she really needs to help her go through this. I can now see patterns in her adult relationships and those patterns will just continue unless she really deals with her own issues that have nothing to do with me.

There will be times when the MLC will have clarity moments and/or appear to be lucid. They're far and few in between. Nothing to do with you.

I do recall a few lucid moments then went right back to confusion, pressure, and feeling like having zero control of my life & surroundings.

I suspect that this may be one of those moments... This was a helpful discussion this morning and it was nice to feel like I was really conversing with my W, but I do expect the walls to go back up and also assume more MLC craziness until she begins to move further along.

This is why I feel strongly about needing to get out of the house. As much as that hurts, I know she and I both need the time and space away from each other for both of us to move forward on the journeys we both need to take. While I feel like I am able to make some progress living under the same roof, I do think I will be able to make more progress when I have the emotional, mental, and spiritual distance from her. And she needs to live the reality of only having the kids half-time as well as the reality of not having me in her "space" if she is ever going to realize that the unhappiness is within herself.

I just feel like I am beginning to understand a lot more about her through all of this. I always felt, as her wife/partner and friend, that I knew her better than anyone else -- and now I feel that even more strongly because I've been living with her and seeing all of this for so long. I wasn't aware of what was really going on, but now it's as if my eyes are finally fully open and I can really see everything. None of that changes how she feels about me -- but it allows me to have a much better understanding of this situation which helps me have more compassion and less bitterness towards her.

We still have such a long road ahead of us through all of this... a marathon... with a roller-coaster built-in...

The irony in all of this is that through all of this I feel like I am beginning to really understand what real love is... real, unconditional love that doesn't require the other person to reciprocate that love in order for it to exist... I thought I understood what all of that was before this hurricane hit, but now I really do understand it... I can also say the same for my understanding of forgiveness... True forgiveness that doesn't require the other person to say "sorry" or ask for forgiveness...

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Without taking away from Wonka's MLC and lucid moments. I will say that as an LBSer, those lucid moments that my wife may or may not have had felt like a trick, trap or just another way to get what she wanted.

As genuine as they might have been they did not last long enough to put any faith in them or to let those moments weaken my resolve on an issue.

Consistency of word and actions shows true intent.

Don't trust the crocodile tears.

Are you familiar with the scorpion and the frog story?


One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river.
The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn't see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.

Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.

"Hellooo Mr. Frog!" called the scorpion across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?"

"Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you wont try to kill me?" asked the frog hesitantly.

"Because," the scorpion replied, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!"

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked. "What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!"

"This is true," agreed the scorpion, "But then I wouldn't be able to get to the other side of the river!"

"Alright then...how do I know you wont just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?" said the frog.

"Ahh...," crooned the scorpion, "Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!"

So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his passenger. The scorpion crawled onto the frog's back, his sharp claws prickling into the frog's soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.

Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog's back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs.

"You fool!" croaked the frog, "Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?"

The scorpion shrugged, and did a little jig on the drownings frog's back.

"I could not help myself. It is my nature."



It serves you much better to be untrusting right now.

Forgiveness is fine, and it is vital, later, especially later. But do not forget.

[Georgiabelle]

Jer,

You have received some fantabulous advice. I haven't been on much lately but your post struck my fancy so I am responding. Take it for what it's worth and please don't think I am trying to be a downer. I read some of these threads, have flashbacks, and sometimes wonder whether I should chime in or not.

Nervous breakdown? Same thing with my xh. Several people including himself thought he was having one. I have never seen anything like it. Your w is angry...very angry so while I do agree you want to validate her feelings, don't get sucked into this horse caca. And that is what it is...Caca.

Your W is completely and totally irrational. Don't engage with batsh!t. It is a fruitless and painful task. Worry about yourself and your kids. I know you love W, however, only she can decide to truly get help and I can tell you she is a loooooooong way from being done. I don't say this to be a doomer, however, I have seen enough and read enough to know this is probably the truth. It's like when someone's BD was 2 weeks ago and they label themselves in piecing. They. just. aren't.

My xh told me through sobs that he had no idea (and this is a direct quote) "how I could function being so logical." Something tells me this is something your W would say.

Protect yourself financially. Let her decide to work through her stuff...or not. You be the best Jer and focus on being the best mom. Your little peeps need a stable figure in their life.

Hang in there:)

[Jer2911]

Never heard that story before -- but yes, I know I shouldn't be very trusting right now no matter how authentic the tears and breakdown seemed this morning.

[Jer2911]

Jer,

You have received some fantabulous advice. I haven't been on much lately but your post struck my fancy so I am responding. Take it for what it's worth and please don't think I am trying to be a downer. I read some of these threads, have flashbacks, and sometimes wonder whether I should chime in or not.

Nervous breakdown? Same thing with my xh. Several people including himself thought he was having one. I have never seen anything like it. Your w is angry...very angry so while I do agree you want to validate her feelings, don't get sucked into this horse caca. And that is what it is...Caca.

Your W is completely and totally irrational. Don't engage with batsh!t. It is a fruitless and painful task. Worry about yourself and your kids. I know you love W, however, only she can decide to truly get help and I can tell you she is a loooooooong way from being done. I don't say this to be a doomer, however, I have seen enough and read enough to know this is probably the truth. It's like when someone's BD was 2 weeks ago and they label themselves in piecing. They. just. aren't.

My xh told me through sobs that he had no idea (and this is a direct quote) "how I could function being so logical." Something tells me this is something your W would say.

Protect yourself financially. Let her decide to work through her stuff...or not. You be the best Jer and focus on being the best mom. Your little peeps need a stable figure in their life.

Hang in there:)

Good points. From the anger she displayed last night to the tears and breakdown this morning in front of me -- I have never seen anything like this from her before in the entire time we've been together... I've never seen her that angry (as she was last night) and I've never seen her breakdown like she did this morning.

Now, long before her I was with someone for a number of years who was completely crazy and would do this kind of stuff all too frequently as a control and manipulation tactic -- so I've seen it before, but just not in my W who always seemed so much more stable and emotionally composed until recently.

I know you are right about her being a long way off from getting help... I know that is true and it makes me sad for her, our kids, and for myself. But I can't help her or control her -- can only take care of myself right now...

And very true about the kids... I am trying very hard to take good care of myself emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically so that I can be a stable parent for them. I've seen a huge improvement in my parenting through all of this -- which would be a good thing normally, but even more so now with all of this going on.

If anything, the past 24-36 hours have shown me that my W and I really do need our space from each other. I have no idea how that is going to happen right now, but I know it has to happen.

But speaking of taking care of myself... I did just get home from my IC session... Gave my C an update on the situation including what has transpired over the past 24-36 hours... Then could only say that right now my brain feels like scrambled eggs... Which is the truth. Everything over the past 24 hours especially has just churned up so much muck inside of me... I've been in tears off and on throughout the day because while it was nice to feel some sort of connection to my W this morning, it also made it so very clear to me how messed up she really is and that there is still such a long road ahead -- and that's IF she makes her way through the tunnel and does what she needs to do to take care of herself and her own issues -- and that's a big IF considering her history with relationships...

I need a huge break from all of this and I don't know how I am going to get that break right now. I still need to be a parent... Even though my W is making an effort to re-engage in some of the parenting activities, the kids still need both of us right now... But boy do I need a break...

[kml]

Why not just go away for the weekend this weekend? The kids will survive you being gone for two days, W will have to deal with them all by herself (might be a good reality check if you've been doing most of the heavy lifting with the kids) and you could get out and have some FUN.

And go ahead and be a little vague and mysterious about your plans for the weekend - W might as well get a taste of wondering where you are and who else might find you attractive.

I remember checking into a nice hotel for a night when my ex and I were going through it - just 30 mins from my home, I remember being all teary at the desk checking in and the staff being so very nice to me. I just laid by the pool and had a margarita and ate a nice dinner in the restaurant and watched a movie in my room. Seems like so little, but it was very healing to me at the time to take the time for myself, when everything up until then had all been about taking care of my spouse and my kids.

[Jer2911]

KML -- I love that idea... Unfortunately, for this weekend, W is going out of town for her brother's wedding celebration (he and his partner actually exchanged vows over the summer in a private ceremony and this weekend is a big celebration that includes the entire family)... a wedding celebration that I was un-invited to by my W. Her brother and his partner want me to be there -- my name was on the invitation. Her family loves me and considers me to be a part of the family. None of them are happy about this situation... But what they think or feel doesn't matter to her right now.

So I will have a weekend without her here, but I'll still be in charge of all of the kids on my own... which isn't a big deal -- I can handle the kids... Remember -- we had 10 days without her here a few weeks back and we all did just fine... But it's not the break that I need in terms of a break from everything like you described...

But that is a good idea and maybe I'll try to do something like that soon.

For now I'll just look forward to some time without her here in the house this weekend.

Just got home from a wonderful dinner related to some of the work that I do -- can't go into details, but was basically a dinner celebrating the success of something that I helped design (okay -- will take the credit -- the entire model is my design) that is in the process of growing and becoming a really interesting model for learning. For me personally it was an evening of strong affirmation of my ideas, knowledge, and skills -- and it's been a while since I've felt that on a professional level.

When I got home, W asked how it was and I told her... I hadn't actually told her that in December I was invited to serve on the school board for this so that was a surprise to her. She acted happy for me and was somewhat interested in hearing about my thoughts on the evening and my happiness about the success of all of this (my happiness at seeing an idea that I had grow into a viable model for learning beyond the traditional school model) -- but there was definitely some distance and her interest was not at the level it used to be pre-BD. BUT -- at least she did express some interest... any interest is more than I expected given the circumstances.

Regardless of what she might really think about me or my happiness with regard to this -- for me it was a great evening and makes me feel very successful professionally even if it doesn't translate to making any money (because it doesn't -- I work in public education... not a great place for making big bucks.) For a couple of hours I was able to focus on something other than the sad situation at home, and that felt REALLY good.

[BklynMom]

You are right to identify your w behavior as a nervous breakdown. It definitely is the case in many of our situations.

The bigger issue becomes is she getting treatment and is she getting good treatment. So so many bad terrible therapists. Especially when someone is having a breakdown and the therapist doesn't recognize it.

I will pray for your w recovery from her very real disease