I posted a few days ago, and honestly Im not sure where this is all going. Up until a week ago there was NO turning him away from a D, but now he is making small comments about our future. I have been doing a 180, no phone calls, no talk about R, OR OW which is hard, and letting him just do what he is gonna do. SO he calls me!
2 nights ago he talked about us moving, getting a new vehicle etc. Anyway last night I cooked dinner, he works until 6pm 2 hours away, so he gets home I went out to my car to get something and he was sitting in his car, weird to say the least. I just came back in, acted like nothing was strange about it, he walks in and kisses me on the forehead. THIS IS VERY NEW! YAY!
He said I had to finish a phone call, stupid me says yes I know who you were talking to. He says not her. whatever! I know he is and I shouldnt have said it but I did. He plugged in his phone and within 5 mins she had called two more times! GIve it a break woman! I just went to fix dinner, and I assumed he went to answer his phone but he SHUT IT OFF! YAY! He would have always just answered it before and went out to his car.
So we went to watch TV, I showed him where his meal was for today. He called today from work to say thank you for the food, it was really good. ANOTHER FIRST! He is going to see her tonight I think(trying hard not to get mad) but Im seeing good little things happening, and this weekend.
I think she is pushing way too hard, asked him yesterday about her "deadline" which was to file papers by the 1st. He told me she asked him about it, and I said well what did you tell her, he said he told her we(he and I) agreed for one more month. I let it go at that. He is here, we are going to therapy, and I think she is gonna annoy the heck out of him with the 10x day phone calls. So I just had to get it out, cause I know this is just the begginning, and maybe not even that. He could still leave. But he is treating me nicer than he has in years! Im hoping! Does it sound like he might be thinking of this family more than her? He does make small comments about how he would rather not just blow her off, and like I said talk about our future. How in the world do you not just take it and run. I know that would be against what Im trying to do here, which is make a better marriage. BUT ITS HARD! I want to go to him tell him I love him and give him a hug. But I dont!
I think you are right about her bugging him.He must be thinking about you and your R if he has changed that much.
Listen to me very carefully...NO R OR OW TALK! None at all.
Quote: He said I had to finish a phone call, stupid me says yes I know who you were talking to. He says not her. whatever!
Do not do that again!
Pretend like she does not exist. Do not ask questions about her, do not mention her at all. Be happy and confident around him at all times. Make home a nice and happy place for him to be.
Think about it..If you are great and no pressure, and OW is nagging and pressuring.....which place do you think he will choose to spend more time????
Believe me, I DO know how hard it is. But this is your best chance to win. Don't wait around for him either. Make plans to do things. Go out and have fun amd make him wonder about you.
You see it's already working, don't jump the gun on this.
Sorry if I sound harsh but you seem to have a great opportunity here and to many jump the gun and blow it.
Just an update, but the last few days have been more of "SMALL" encouragements. I do mean small, but things like him just calling to say thank you for something I did for him. This is very new. The phone calls from her keep coming, I got upset the other day when she called about 5x in a row, and I asked him to please either turn off the phone or keep it on his person so I didnt need to see the lights flashing each time she calls(he has it on silence) He agreed, and said dont get upset, I havent been calling HER its her calling ME.
Well I think he IS calling her but not when he is with me, so I need to be ok with that. I am getting MORE ok with it. We were to go to therapy,and had to cancel for daycare issues, so I was emotional that day, the next day I went in for STD testing, which was humiliating and we had an hour where I really needed something from him he obviously wasnt going to give me. I did say I hope someday he relized how humiliating it was for me to go into the doc we share and say I needed to be tested, he says he is sorry etc.
THEN to top it off, he had been talking about making love for 2 days. Never happened, he kissed me(Peck on the lips nothing serious) and I said(yes I know I am not following things to the letter I am still so raw this is hard) cant you just kiss me like you care. We had been talking about moving in a month or two, which does feel good that he is talking about that rather than moving with HER which he WAS talking about, and stupid me has to say why cant you kiss me, why cant you just end the affair and lets get on with things.
His response was Maybe I'll end it, and Im just incredibly guilty about what Im doing to you, the intimacy is going to take time.
So my question is this. Is it REALLY the guilt or does he somehow feel he is "cheating" on the OW.
I gotta get passed this because we have really been doing pretty well, no fighting, Im not talking about R or OW for the most part, and we had 2 really nice, peaceful days. We laid in bed all day one day, nothing but laying next to each other reading, but it was nice, he is still sleeping with me, he is coming home to me every night. He is taking off work Sunday to go to church with me. I should view these as good signs right? If he was really ready to go he wouldnt be going to therapy/church etc. right? That would make the affair harder, so if he really was ready to leave he wouldnt make that effort at least right????
He is however with her tonight YUCK! I feel like Im reading too much into things and in a month this will all crash down on me.
hi - small improvements are better than none! this looks like terrific progress. i found backing off and acting as if working far better than i ever thought it would!!! good luck.
