To make a long story short about 1 year ago my W stopped greeting me at the door for a hug and a kiss after a day at work. She said she was not going out of her way for me any more. Soon after that she stopped holding my hand while out walking with her. Soon after that making love with her was like being with a robot she had no emotion at all. A few months later I got the ILYBINILWY any more speech. 5 months ago began our in house separation, no sex and separate bedrooms. Yes I did all the crying ,begging and pleading with her which pushed her farther away. I also got the "it's over" hug of death during one of my pathetic crying episodes about two months ago. I have since read DB and stopped the begging and crying. We still do everything together like church,shopping,t.v.,bike riding,cards and even weekends away ( with separate beds and no sex) we just do everything like brother and sister. Last week she took a new job and we will only see each other on the weekends. She postponed the sale of our house for one year so we can sort finances sorted out and for her to get comfortable with her new job. I have 1 year till we separate and it's killing me as we seem to get farther apart every day. My W is the no nonsense type and when she say's something she means it. I need a plan of action but I just can't seem to come up with anything. Someone pleas help me!
We have been married for over 30 years
_________________________ Me 52 W49 M 30 T 32 4 kids over 20 EA suspected Bd Sept 14 ILYBINILWY Still living under the same roof seperate beds
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
To make a long story short about 1 year ago my W stopped greeting me at the door for a hug and a kiss after a day at work. She said she was not going out of her way for me any more. Soon after that she stopped holding my hand while out walking with her. Soon after that making love with her was like being with a robot she had no emotion at all. A few months later I got the ILYBINILWY any more speech. 5 months ago began our in house separation, no sex and separate bedrooms.
And how did you respond each time she would pull back like this?
These are very, very common things in a lot of troubled marriages, but I'll be honest -- it's very odd how your wife sort of "announces" to you exactly what she's doing. Why is she calling all of the shots in your marriage? You sound like you're afraid of her.
Your first plan needs to be to follow DB/DR, and Sandi's 37 rules, and STOP the "melty man" thing. Before you can ever hope to get back to her being in love with you, she has to first RESPECT you, and Step #1 in that is to:
RE-BUILD ATTRACTION.
If it were me, that's where I'd focus my efforts.
After you re-read DR, I'd recommend "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Hold On to Your N.U.T.S.," and perhaps "Co-Dependent No More." I think you would find a lot of help in those.
Hi Phil, and welcome. There is wealth of knowledge and experience here. Listen closely and practice your changes every day. Don't get discouraged by your previous mistakes or any that happen in the future....we all do it! The key is striving to eliminate them. As you can see from Cadet's post, there is a ton of stuff for you to read and learn about. The most immediate advice I can give you is:
- Read Sandi's 37 rules (posted to top of message board) immediately.
- You said you've read DB. That's good. Re-read it. But have you read DR (Divorce Remedy)? If not, read that first before re-reading anything else
- Listen to the vets on the board. I consider a vet anyone with a registered date of 2013 or older, but there are some wise 2014's and 2015's, too.
Try to relax about time scales. Definitely try not to burn that "1 year" mark in your brain. She is in the most chaotic phase of her entire life right now, so she has no clue what she wants one year from now. She might leave a month from now, or maybe a year will come and go and she's still there. Whatever happens, you obsessing about that 1 year date is not going to help you. Read about the Stockdale Paradox. Time scales are your worst enemy when you're going through trauma like this. They either give you false hope or impending doom.
Last edited by Card29; 02/23/1509:06 PM.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Sorry for the hijack.....need to borrow Cadet for a moment.
That second section ^^ is the exact thing I was asking that you post immediately after the first welcome post. Do you now see what I was referring to during our discussion over in the other forum?
Hey Phil, i was in a similar boat as you. I've absorbed a ton of advice from reading other's situations and finding the relevant / similar ones. it is absolutely amazing how similar or scripted the situations really are.
Sorry you find yourself in this situation, but you have come to the right place. Take what Starsky, Cadet and some other vets say and burn them into your brain. Your WAW is not going to follow a schedule. She is absolutely lost and has no clue what she feels or how she's going to feel in 12 months.
Starsky mentioned three book. Read all three. The NMMNG book, especially, changed my life. I could have written the damn thing it described me so well. I have no doubt it's a huge chunk of the reason I'm in my particular sitch with my wife.
Work on yourself. GAL. Stay cool. You know not to be all melty, it's vital. Five months in and I still struggle, but it's an important skill. My problem is not that I cry and beg, but that I get angry, trying to control the situation. it's just another way to show neediness, and women (really men too) will NOT find that attractive.
Keep posting. You're in a great place.
Last edited by Rzrback; 02/23/1511:16 PM.
Ex Rzrback Me 43 Her 44 D11, D15 T21, M19 BD 9/9/2014 Piecing
Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands - Clint Eastwood
Thanks everyone for all the advice. I was waiting for an email to show up regarding my first post. Newcomer to message boards lol.
So regarding Starsky's post about how I responded each time she would pull back, I guess I would have to say I got angry with her for doing this. I sat there stone faced when she said ILYBINILWY and I asked her why and she said that I should know why. I had a hard time understanding why my wife of 30 years could do such a thing after all that we have been through. I also believe she was announcing this because I kept asking her why she was doing this to me. It was like everything was a bad joke to me and she was testing me and that everything would go back to normal again.
You also ask if i'm afraid of my wife and I would have to say yes. My wife wears the pants in our house. I let her because if I didn't we would have issues all the time. I am afraid of her because she can get very angry when we have an argument. I would rather keep quiet and let things blow over most of the time.
Today she went shopping after work with our D22. This is a pattern that she has started, her way of avoiding me now. Little things just to get out if the house. She also has a very loving side to her that I have not seen in a long time and I miss my real wife. I'm afraid that if I pull back this will make my wife happy and she will pull away even more.
I have been reading Divorce Remedy and trying to set some goals.
_________________________ Me 52 W49 M 30 T 32 4 kids over 20 EA suspected Bd Sept 14 ILYBINILWY Still living under the same roof seperate beds
One thing I do every day is say good morning to her and in the afternoon I ask her how her day is going. Is this something I should stay away from doing?
_________________________ Me 52 W49 M 30 T 32 4 kids over 20 EA suspected Bd Sept 14 ILYBINILWY Still living under the same roof seperate beds
