KGirl - letting the past go

[KGirl]

I finally did get an answer to all of my emails from last week in one email. Re: the email I had sent first wondering was it me, was it him, etc., this is what he said:

"I'm not really sure what more you want from me regarding the closure you need. I guess I could talk with you about those things or answer any questions you have again, but I feel like I've already done and told you what I felt was necessary."

Am I just completely clueless? I feel so lost because I still don't feel like I really know at all why he is doing this, but yet he feels like he told me that already. He's told me a variety of contradictory things to the point where I don't know which end is up. He's said it's got nothing to do w/ this girl from work, but then he talked about how they have so much in common and he really likes her but doesn't know how she feels about him. He's said it's all about him but then said I didn't treat him right. ??? Do I just give up on asking him anything? I just want, in print, some concrete and specific answers. Do I try and describe my confusion with more specific examples? Maybe it's just not possible to get that information from him. But if he really doesn't know or can't describe it, I want to HEAR HIM SAY he doesn't know or can't describe it, rather than me saying "I don't think he knows." I want to be able to tell myself "He told me he doesn't even know." How do I get past that??

I'm really bothered by the phrase "done and told you what I thought was necessary." It makes it sound like there are other things or reasons that he doesn't feel necessary to tell me, but they DO in fact exist. Ugh. Over a year later and why am I still crying over interacting with this person?

[Lorelai]

K Girl I'm so sorry. When I'm talking to my H and say this is a very confusing situation for me, he asks what it is about the situation I'm confused about... sigh. I too would like more concrete answers. I know exactly how you feel.

[KGirl]

Maybe I just need to take the few phrases I HAVE heard and just rely on those.
"I feel like I missed out on things having only dated you."
"I think there are other people out there I'd be more compatible with."
"You didn't trust me enough."

Some of the other phrases I won't bother with because they were just nonsense (like not having sex enough.)

I think I just want him to put in writing so that when I feel confused I can look at it and know exactly what he said, instead of potentially misremembering after the heat of the moment.

[KGirl]

OK, I do have a logistical thing I could use some help with.

STBX said he wanted to talk more about the house and paying me my equity. He only has about half of it right now, and wants to work out a payment plan, because he doesn't want to take money out of his retirement accounts (HA! I only have a pension where you can't take money out, I never opened a retirement account because I was counting on him saving more! Go figure.). Anyways, here is what I FEEL like saying to that:

"H, you bought a house with me and then a year later decided to leave me - unfortunately there are some tough consequences for that. I had to move out of the house, buy a car, and lost my pet, all without wanting to do all of those things. You said you were truly sorry about this and wish it didn't end up like this - if that is actually the case, you can show that to me by making this as easy for me as possible and paying me the money as quickly as possible so I can pay off the new debts I had to accrue, not to mention offset the lower standard of living I now have. It may not be ideal, but that is the outcome of the choice you made."

So, how do I reword that to be nicer but still firm? I really do feel like if he wants to show he is sorry, he would either take the hit on his retirement accounts or take out a home equity loan. I'd be willing to do like 4-5 months of payments but I'm really not interested in doing any longer than that. He does have money in his retirement accounts but I am not sure if he has enough he can take out that's penalty-free or not (do I ask how much he can take out penalty-free? What if he lies?)

[Mozza]

I'm very sorry you got such a disappointing answer. It must be so frustrating — in fact, it shows in your reaction. I'm not surprised however. Here's what I had written after you sent the question.

Oh well, why not. Let us know what he replies. Vets, especially 25yearsmlc, tell us not to dwell too much on the whys. To me, it's like asking an acquaintance why s/he is not in love with us. It's a feeling, it comes and goes and when it's not there, it's hard to understand what happened. Also keep in mind that no one has the same references and criteria as you, so his explanations, even if sincere and accurate, could very well not make sense to you.

There is no satisfactory answer out there. He doesn't know because we don't know exactly how we fall in and out of love. "It the way you turned your head when I called your name" sang Edwyn Collins in a song that no one but me remembers. Our hearts jump up and down, often without a warning. I think he gave you as good answers as you'll get, regarding his curiosity for other people. It probably doesn't make sense to you, but you're not him. I don't know much about him, but it sounds like his highest priority in life is to sleep around (sorry). It doesn't make sense to me either. I'm really not sure he's going to be that successful at it or very satisfied, but whatever.

I struggle a lot also in understanding why my WAW left me. I was doing so many things right. But life is not science, people are not machines and they make silly decisions. We expose ourselves to them and no amount of being a nice person will shield us from the consequences. Sh!t happens. How sad to think that such tragedy can come out of it. I'm really sorry for you and wish I could give you a hug.

I fully support the spirit of your message regarding the house equity! I completely agree that he simply deals with the consequences of his choices. That's what I told my WAW when she complained about the weather, lack of friends, difficult job, etc. Come on: he's testing your limits, asking you to accommodate him after all he's done to you. No way. Hopefully, others can help you with the wording because I'd send it as is.

[KGirl]

Ha - Mozza, something that makes me feel slightly better is the friends who know us both who say "K... I don't know what he's thinking. It's not like he'll walk into a bar and pick someone up to sleep with! He's going to come back because no one will sleep with him and you were the only one!" So yes, I do think a big part of this is that I was the only person he ever slept with (well as far as I know... who knows now, I guess) and he felt like he "missed out." Then why marry someone? I don't know.

I think this was in a New Girl episode I just watched, but the phrase "sometimes bad things just happen to good people" came up several times. It IS kind of like wondering why you get laid off, or why there is a natural disaster, or an accident... but in some ways it isn't because our S made a conscious decision to leave us. There must be something that lead to that decision. Even if is somewhat arbitrary or unwarranted. Sigh.

Yes, help with wording would be helpful! I'm considering suggesting "What about taking out a home equity loan or a personal loan from a bank?" and then noting "I understand there are things you'd rather not do, but unfortunately both of us will have to/have already had to do things we haven't needed to do." I could be asking for so much more. I could be asking for $ for half of his car since we shared a car (he bought it before we were M so it'd be a tough argument but I still could note that I Relied on that for transportation). I could have fought him for the cat. I did not. I think he owes me at least this much - an upfront payment for the house equity. I guess this is anonymous so I can be more specific: it's about $15,000, and he makes about $50,000/year, so it would be tough. But supposedly he already has half of it. He's also maxed out his Roth IRA every year since 2009 so the money does exist, just not in an ideal form. But again.. you buy a house with someone and dump them a year later, what do you expect if you want to keep the house?

[Calibri]

Re: answers - when my sitch first started, I felt (and still do feel) like I was underwater and couldn't figure out which way to get to the surface. I would ask my H to go over it with me and I would get a similar answer. As things have progressed and it's evolving into a much bigger snafu, I'm realizing that it's less me, and more him and the entire situation. I'm still struggling with the why, and I realize that one day I'll have to accept that I may never know why. You can drive yourself up the wall trying to figure it out, or perhaps you could find the closure within yourself, without your Stbx's involvement.

Re: equity. Tough titties for him. he wants out? He pays out. Don't give him any type of help trying to figure out how to pay you your fair share. I would send the email as you wrote it, but that's just me.

[KGirl]

Calibri - I kind of want to make a button that says "You want out? YOU PAY OUT!"

[KGirl]

Seriously, though.. am I being really unreasonable by asking him to take out a bank loan (with I'm sure a high interest rate) or dip into his retirement funds to pay me the equity in a lump sum? If we spread it out over payments.. I really don't want that to be more than a year, tops. Which is probably like $600 a month and I don't know that he'd even have that much extra money each month, anyway. Maybe I need to see his financial disclosure statement first to see what's going on (like how much does he actually have in his retirement accounts, because I really don't know, or what his salary even is today). Am I being crazy by asking him to set up a direct deposit into my checking account at his work if he does do monthly payments? I don't want to worry about whether or not checks will come and seeing his handwriting on them for a full year after D is final. And given all of the issues we had with him not switching bills over this past summer/fall (some of you may remember that fiasco), I just don't trust him to actually send me the check every month.

[labug]

Give him your bottom line, don't figure out how he needs to do it.

You've got yourself twisted around the axle with needing to nknow the why of his leaving. Is there and answer that will make you feel less pain? Think about that, what would make this OK.

I think closure is highly overrated. There are many things in life for which there is no "closure", no, "now I know why this happened so I'm OK with it." My S22 has serious OCD, OCD that interferes with his life in a big way daily. Initially I did get caught up in the why but I soon figured out that it didn't matter. This is the son I had and I needed to start from that place and figure out the next step and the next and the next.

Life is uncertain. Every minute of every day is uncertain. We can learn to accept and live with that uncertainty, or we can rail against it, be the victim. Wanting to fix the past keep us stuck there, missing the good things that might be right in front of us.

I've done both. There is pain but also much joy in learning to live life as it happens.