Seperated, she is with someone - I'm desperate (2)

[Wet]

So W texted me this morning saying she would like to meet and discuss some things when I have time. I am almost positive she is going to ask me to file for D. I am not quite sure how I want to respond to her text as I would like to know the topics ahead of time so I can mentally prepare myself for our discussion...

Hi vdubber, is there anything good that can come from sitting down and talking to your W? IDK, I think putting it off for a while makes sense. This has the advantage of calming her down if this is an 'emotional' need for her to try and get something down "now".

Perhaps asking W what she wants to talk about beforehand makes sense, to help YOU be emotionally prepared. But it also shows a bit of weakness. You are the self-confidant guy who is ready for anything, right? I get wanting to see W to take a temperature check. But why not wait a week or two, and then set the meeting when you want to meet.

But you know best. It's just my 2 cents worth.

[vdubber]

Thanks Wet. Yes I think she wants to talk based on her current emotional state and probably to push me for filing so she can open up to people about her relationship and have it be ok since we are D. I suspect she is trying to find out how to continue her relationship with OM and make it public which is a hurt unto itself.

I don't know this for sure bit since she isn't talking to me either right now it certainly isn't to talk about anything good.

I would rather hold off on any discussions not centered around the kids for now although I do need to figure out taxes and need to discuss that with her soon.

Before we do eventually meet I will want to know the topics if possible to be prepared but maybe waiting a couple weeks will let some emotions die down...idk.

I swear everytime I start feeling I can handle things is when I hear from her and get all riled up. She is so ingrained in her life of spending every evening at the bar and with her new friends and OM. I really think she has an addiction to alcohol and that she would need to see this and get help in order for her to see things any differently. I also know I can't help her and it must be something she does on her own, just wish there was someone that would talk and encourage her in that direction.

I realize i need to be talking about me and what I can control and that I can't and shouldn't try to fix her. I know I can't but wish she would see a way to fix herself as not only does it mean no chance at R but it's also a huge health concern and i want more for her.

No what I want does not matter, bit yes it's extremely difficult to watch someone you love in trouble even if they don't recognize it.

[Sotto]

Hi Vdubber

I recognise all you have said in your last few paras. But acceptance of things outside of your control is crucial here.

Your W may or may not decide to end A. She may or may not decide to get help with alcohol and become the best person she can be and so on.

All is pretty much outside of your control and it's a waste of effort wishing it were different. It isn't. Best to work on acceptance and evenness (rather than getting riled up) when you hear from her. Vanilla's thread has some useful info. She responds very calmly to her WH.

[vdubber]

Thanks Toots. You are right I have no control and need to accept where I am, how things are, and continue to focus on what I can control which is me and my response to my situation and day to day life.

It's hard to assess my progress or lack of it some days as I tend to let the negative things overshadow the good. I do get sad...i do get angry...I do cry. But I also have been thinking more positively about the man I am and I have been keeping W out of my mind much more than when I first joined this forum. I understand it's baby steps but I must keep moving forward.

So today, my D22 called me to tell me she loves me and wants to come see me tonight. She has been very angry with her mom for quite some time now based on the actions she sees from her mom. I always just tell her I love her mom and she needs to have a relationship with her and appreciate the time they have to spend together.

She said she and her grandma (Ws mom) have been talking about an intervention for W around her drinking problems. I told her i cannot participate in that and whatever she does or doesn't do is up to them and she needs to be prepared if they pursue it that it may not go over well. I tell her any other talk of her mom is probably best to not have with me as I am too close to the situation and her relationship with me and her relationship with her mom need to be seperate.

It's tough as I want her to know I understand why she has anger but have told her we are where we are due to both of us. She is very worried about her mom as is her grandma and they want her to understand she has an addiction. I am staying out of it as although I do think she needs to hear it from the people that love her, it's not my place to get involved this point.

I am going to dinner tonight with D22 but she assured me it would just be discussion about us and i will make sure it is. I'm very much looking forward to seeing her and hearing about her life. We have a great bond and it frustrates her that I always speak highly of her mom around her and always encourage her to build that relationship up.

I have decided to not respond at this time to W request to meet and talk. If she presses I will tell her in a couple weeks time maybe we can meet. I need some more time for me and things have been too emotional on both sides for a face to face now. Hoping some time will help both sides settle and have a more productive conversation.

So dinner tonight with D22 and i have a family (my side) get together this Friday night so will work on making GAL plans for Wed/Thur if possible. Btw have been listening to inspirational audio cds on way to and from work. They do help...now if I could just not let triggers bring me down I would be better off. One of my goals for this week.

[vdubber]

Had a great dinner with D22. We went out to sushi and had a really good time together. It's amazing how your little kids turn into adults. Picked her up and dropped her off after. She did insist we stop at the store to look at curtains for my house as the ones I have are apparently lame. We did not however find any we liked so that will have to wait for another day. Spending the time with her really made me feel happy and then came home and watched some tv with S18 which was great too. All in all it was the best evening I've had in quite some time and I'm blessed to have my kids in my life. Time to journal, say my prayers, and get some sleep. Tomorrow afternoon I see my IC which I'm always thankful for. Need to come up with GAL plan for tomorrow evening.

[vdubber]

Just came out of IC session which is every week now. Spoke to IC about W request to meet to discuss some things and she agrees I should not meet her in person and it's fine to wait to even discuss via text or email. I told her i need to discuss taxes as I have to have everything in by Mar 1st this year. She wants me to send an email stating how I am proceeding with filing and what documents I need and by when. She said it's important to do it via email to have a record of the dialogue.

I told her i left message for L Friday but hadn't hear back so will contact them again. I still have anxiety about going to L but know it's a step I need to take. She said I am making progress and she sees it even when I may not realize it and that there is no time table, it's just important to keep taking steps and making progress.

Going to meet a friend of mine and possibly his wife for dinner. Feel a bit better after seeing IC and thankful I talk to her each week. My D22 year old texted me during session (she didn't know I saw IC today) to tell me I was the best dad she could have hoped for and she was thankful for all I did for her and the family and that the kids and I were still a family no matter what. Funny how your kid starts becoming the one to try and give you encouragement. I am blessed to have her as a daughter. I am blessed for all of my kids. I need to keep looking at what I have, not what I've lost.

[Wet]

...I need to keep looking at what I have, not what I've lost.

You're getting better. Don't doubt that. I know it's hard seeing your Counselor. Stay with it, and having an appreciative attitude. Stay strong.

[vdubber]

Thank you Wet. I do appreciate the good things in my life. I have been in such a fog over my situation with W that I was letting it consume me. I was depressed, angry, you name it. I still am all of those things but noticeably less than even a couple weeks ago.

I do want a life with her but not as she is now, I deserve better and it would not work. I had pinned so much on me and what I needed to do to make us work but there is also alot she would have to do and commit to if we ever wanted a new life together. I don't mean to say I don't need to change...I absolutely do bit that change is independent of her. Yes part of my change will help me better communicate with her and change the way I act and react in situations but it is a change that will be made whether she changes her mind and wants us to work or if she continues on with her life with this or future OMs.

I do think of her, I am no doubt in love with her, I do still have a belief we can grow old together. The difference is I am no longer willing to let her be a need for me, her in my life as my W will no longer define who I am.

Easy words to say but it's the stance I am taking and want to hold myself accountable to.

[vdubber]

Emailed WAW about my intentions to file taxes jointly and need for her tax info (w2, mortgage statement, etc.) in next few days. I was suspecting she might argue but came back with just "OK".

I would be lying if I said I didn't wish she was reaching out more but seems we've both pretty much went into NC mode and I've made it clear to her i can not and will not be her friend while she is in a relationship with another.

She did sent me a text last night to let me know FIL who I am also close to sold his vintage car he has had for many a year and it was bitterssweet. I waited 2 hours then texted back I'm sure it was tough and he is in my thoughts today. Too much?...maybe ignoring all together would have been the best option.

Boy do I wish I had a cheat code to fast forward to the end of this process...or at least to a time in future where things have stabilized either with R or D. I know this time of realization, grieving, acceptance, and personal growth is needed...a true test to how much pain one can endure and measure of who you really are. I hope I have enough strength to pass the test and come put the other side a better man ko matter the outcome. I've really been trying to talk to myself in a more positive way and trying to focus less on the bad things. I truly struggle in this area but I am trying.

[sandi2]

I hope I have enough strength to pass the test and come put the other side a better man ko matter the outcome.

If this is true, then are you saying the goal is that you become a better man, regardless of what you W does or if the D is busted?

Before you answer, think carefully.