WAW / MLC - which way is up (or out)?

[Jorgi]

Thanks, LITB. I am busy on trying to address those areas I need to improve on (drinking less, criticizing less, being a calmer, more chill person, letting things go). One of trickier issues leading to this problem was lack of attention to W. Complaints re (a) failure to plan/initiate trips, vacations, surprises and (b) failure to show affection whether - both intangible and tangible sort. Justified (although W oblivious to other contributions like running/maintaining household/domicile). However how do you pull a 180 on that sort of thing when W carrying on A?

Also, I hear you on revisionist point - I'm listening to W's BS thinking what world were you living on when these events transpired (Bizzaroworld, no doubt).

[LITB]

Jorgi....

I am shaking my head as I am reading your update from earlier this morning that just got approved. You are having sex with your W while she is in an active A? You are asking for trouble.

Go back to the beginning of this thread and read the link about boundaries that Cadet posted. The 180s are not at the top of your priority list right now. Getting your boundaries in order are at the top.

Honestly, I am blown away. She had the audacity to ask you if AP pick her up from your house. WTF?

[LITB]

Jorgi,

I hope you keep posting, because I think you are at a critical point to help encourage change in your sitch. The reason I believe you need to start setting boundaries, is to gain your W's respect. She doesn't respect you right now.

[Jorgi]

Thanks for the reply hrdtims. The more time that goes by the more I think that this is not a salvageable R. Even if she does give up her present AP, who is to say she does not have another A down the road, I.e., post- reconciliation (if any). How can you trust your W after going thru the hell I am experiencing?

I have told W now on multiple occasion to leave with AP (but w/o kids). She has refused to leave w/out them and now I do not see anything that I can do at this point (except for filing for D which would result in a distribution of marital assets).

I am still holding on (rightfully or wrongfully so) to hope that W will come to senses and realize that what she is doing is wrong for all parties involved incl. herself.

I am focused on being a better person - not just a better H but a all around better person. I like that.

Best wishes to you and your kids. Good luck on your new adventures.

[Jorgi]

Thanks for the thoughts LITB. I agree that W probably does not respect me. Asked me to bring her something to drink tonight in bed, I told her that I'd watch the baby if she wanted to grab herself something. I am learning to set boundaries - not being the pushover slave who does everything around here (did not make her any dinner either - she helped herself to a little leftover of my portion).

I will be talking to a DR Coach from MDW's entity tomorrow - was wondering if you or anyone had any experience or advice to give for that. Thanks, again!

[Jorgi]

Sandi2 - wholeheartedly agree with your post - have re-read your and other posts many times - wondered what you meant by

"IMO, you have already let too much time slide between the confrontation and now."


Can you please elaborate on the two referenced times (present and which confrontation) and let too much time for what?

Also, about the being in charge bit - although I really like the sound of that - I am just wondering where my bargaining power supposedly stems from. I mean, I am at a loss as how to effect change within the R.

[gogofo]

My W had an EA/PA when separated and again just before our D. Looking back I can tell when she reconnected with him and what it did to our R. You need to set some boundaries as recommended by Cadet and Sandi.

I completely agree with Sandi that you started off good and then went against your boundary about living together.

I tried, like you are, to nice my W back. It didn't work. All it allowed her to do was spend time with OM and come back to a comfortable home. It taught her nothing, she had no consequences.

I effected change by putting in an offer on a house. She wanted me out and now she is passed about it.

Boundaries should have the same effect.

Why are you sleeping with her when you know she is actively in an affair? This blows my mind, and I am severely attached to my XW.

[DaddyLongShanks]

My W had an EA/PA when separated and again just before our D. Looking back I can tell when she reconnected with him and what it did to our R. You need to set some boundaries as recommended by Cadet and Sandi.

I completely agree with Sandi that you started off good and then went against your boundary about living together.

I tried, like you are, to nice my W back. It didn't work. All it allowed her to do was spend time with OM and come back to a comfortable home. It taught her nothing, she had no consequences.

I effected change by putting in an offer on a house. She wanted me out and now she is passed about it.

Boundaries should have the same effect.

Why are you sleeping with her when you know she is actively in an affair? This blows my mind, and I am severely attached to my XW.

No it did teach her something. It taught her she could have a couple of men. Usually in the WAW situation the husband is a permenant plan B or C. A real ED inducing and man-eating type of situation you know.

[LITB]

I will be talking to a DR Coach from MDW's entity tomorrow - was wondering if you or anyone had any experience or advice to give for that. Thanks, again!

I would suggest to have the details of your sitch written down to help maximize your time. Probably a good idea to discuss boundaries. When I would call, I would use a headset, so I could take notes.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

[sandi2]

W of 13 years advised me shortly after the New Year that she had been engaged in EA for a number of months (workplace romance - alleges she has known AP for two years) which evolved into a PA (although has been stressed to me by W on multiple occasions that PA aspect not really important). See this as hybrid WAW / MLC.

Oh no, I wrote a long post and then lost it.

Okay, so to answer your question, I said you had already let too much time slide b/c you said she has been in an A for months! What have your actions told her about how you feel about it? Are you okay with an open M?

I don't remember MWD recommending to have sex with a spouse you KNOW is having sex with another person. As I recall, it is pretty much left to the wisdom of the faithful spouse to make that decision. She said in some cases it seems to help some couples. My question to you is what does it tell your W when you keep wanting to have sex? You are getting an emotional secure feeling and you think it's great. Are you even using protection? You need to think about these actions. Your W told you she didn't think you two should be having sex. You think it is a successful seduction when you "conquer" your cheating W? This is not a competition to see who is better.....you or AP.

All I have gathered from your posts is that you have taken no particular action about anything. You do all the work, cook, take care of the kids, etc., while she brazenly continues her A. She asks you to keep the kids while she goes out with AP, so she's not even trying to be discrete about it! Asks you if AP can come to the house and pick her up! BTW, is this AP of the same sex?

I am just wondering where my bargaining power supposedly stems from. I mean, I am at a loss as how to effect change within the R.

You do not bargain with a cheater!! You determine your boundaries and state them to make sure she knows where the line is drawn. However, you don't go around crowing about your boundaries once they are made known to her. Boundaries are not ultimatums, so know the difference. Boundaries are to protect you, and based on what action "you" will take if it is dishonored.

Do you know your own core values about these issues? How do you expect her to respect a man who tolerates her behavior?

Yelling is not the answer. Getting into arguments over the A is not the answer. Setting boundaries and sticking to your action if she breaks your boundaries, is how a strong man begins showing he hasn't lost what men were given when they are born.