So it turns out W did not have any plans for the Super Bowl and she almost invited herself to my place. D20 was sleeping when W dropped off d17 at my place, and asked if d20 was available for a visit from W, but b/c d20 was sleeping W did not come in. Thank you Lord for my dodging that bullet. I did not want to spend Super Bowl Sunday with W, and take away from my time with the kids.
If you can find the strength to do it, I would be always welcoming when your W wants to come around. Every time she sees what a kind and good father you are, how cozy and comforting the house is, it will stir something in her. She will not come back until she is ready, but I have read time and again how much it meant to prodigals to feel welcome and to feel like they could still be part of the family when they were ready to return. It's really really hard to do, I go through this all the time with my in-house prodigal H, but whenever I can muster the courage to be really kind and welcome, I can feel in my bones how right it is.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
So I had a real good weekend with s13. Friday, d20 took s13 to a big indoor rides park, and they had a blast. Then all weekend s13 was in a good mood, and he pulled out some of his old Xbox games and was horsing around on those. He even pulled out his Kinect Sports where you move around in front of a sensor bar and play football, basketball, golf, etc. and he had lotsa giggles from that.
I think he was feeling good b/c he was one of five kids in his grade to advance in the Science Fair. And he is excited that d18 will be coming to visit in a few weeks, and he has a close relationship with her.
I think it was great, you having time with the kids. Everyone gets a chance to get away from the stress of what has become their lives.
I believe you need to get where you can set those self boundaries and follow them before you let W invite herself along. Just a couple of weeks ago you didn't read her well and nothing positive came of that. You need to be where you aren't trying to make things happen. Just be good being Tom, being with your kids before you do more. You get to control you and you can't ask for more than that.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thanks Kat. I especially appreciate the reminder that I did not read W well in the recent past, and nothing is coming from my attempts at reaching out to W.
I had a good day. I had physical therapy today, and the therapist tried some different stuff to loosen up my neck. It has helped.
Then tonight I went to Divorce Care. The topic was Dating after divorce. They suggested waiting 1 to 2 years after the divorce before dating. The reason they gave was that healing has to take place if the 2nd marriage/relationship has any chance. It made sense to me.
Then one newcomer, a young woman mentioned she recently kicked her H out of the house. And she was beating herself up for her strong words toward him when he was drinking, cheating, drugs and going to strip clubs. When I offered that she shouldn't beat herself up over her strong words - she had every right to be angry and to express it. For some reason (it seems too obvious to me) she looked grateful to hear my comment.
When you are in your own situation, you can't see the obvious, but when looking from the outside, it is as clear as day.
After all this pain, people want to feel better. Those hopping into relationships, I believe, are looking for a bandaid. It feels better for a while but the wound hasn't even begun to heal. Be gentle with yourself, give yourself the gift of getting to learn about yourself all over again and when you are ready...you can share the wonderful person that you are with some lucky people that are part of your life.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Journaling - rewind to Valentines 2014, when W and I were separated, she was seeing an OM, and I invited her out on a date. I begged. I pleaded. Wow! what a difference a year makes (thank you DB).
So I bought 3 boxes of chocolates from a local chocolate maker for the kids in town. D20 posted a picture of the chocolates on FB and said that I was her No. 1 Valentine and she loved me (awww.)
I pick up s13 on Friday afternoons, and today when I texted W the time I was coming over, W called me. She asked me to come a little later than I stated, saying she was at a photo shoot, and had her phone off, and she wanted to spend a little time with s13 in case he was mad at her (too much detail?). I agreed, then her voice did that strange thing of being nervous, and she started speaking quickly in an almost stutter.
She asked me about my planned trip to Las Vegas. I had only told d20, and so I knew where the info came from. She asked me to make sure that my trip did not conflict with d18's trip back in town. I let W know that my planned Las Vegas vacation for next weekend had fallen thru. W said that she was sorry for me.
Then W asked if I would like to have d17 over on Saturday. I misheard her, and I asked if d17 would be staying overnight, with a pit in my stomach with the thought of W clearing her place out for Valentine's night. But W surprised me. She said no, just for the day as d17 has problems sleeping anywhere else besides W's place. I told her "great".
We chatted for a bit when I picked up s13. I know that I have said this before, but I think my W's head is clearing, and that she seems healthier. I am a wee bit tempted to see if she is still on the dating sites, but I think I will stay away for now. Especially this weekend I do not want to inflict any more pain on myself. I will try and keep my focus on me and my kids.
You sound like you are doing well. You are smart not to look into what your wife is doing as it does not change things nor will it help you in any way. Keep focusing in on you and your kids.
I to think my wifes head is clearing and she may be getting healthier too. I have to keep reminding myself not to read too much into it. When I keep my eyes clear I can still see things that indicate she has a ways to go and still may never come out of it completely. So, I keep telling myself that I have to stop trying to read her. I have to remind myself that she will have to let me know in some way that she is truely coming out and wants a connection to me again.
Try not to read your wife. Try to focus on you and your kids. We both have a long way to go, but compared to last year, we have both come a long way.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Oh no! D20 came home last night, and there is a bag and a box from a local bridal store. D20 is still sleeping.
Her boyfriend is a great guy (but he did tell me a few months ago that he has a 4 year plan for their relationship). But d20 also got a 4 foot teddy bear which said "I Love You!" from another longtime guy friend just the night before. She's tooooo young!
Phewww, false alarm. D20 just woke up and was running out the door to her job, when I had a brief chat with her. No, she is not engaged. Valentine's was nice, but nothing special - boyfriend took her out to dinner at a decent place, but nothing over the top.
The bridal store bag? It's just where she bought her shoes, for a previous wedding she was in. She just happened to keep the bag, and left it out last night. No announcements are being made.
A funny reminder of how my brain can jump to a conclusion on the flimsiest of evidence. Calm down Wet, calm down.
