train, how are you?

[Train]

Aw, 4mend, thank you for your support and encouragement.

It seems I don't have much of a problem with the "re-attraction" thing. I'm an old pro at that part of DBing. But I screwed the pooch on piecing the first time and am all over the place this time. IOW, I'm clearly no expert on how to put Humpty back together.

I *do* know that this "piecing" thing is no joke. And the thing is: I second-guess posting here about my own personal sitch all the time because I don't want to discourage people who are already feeling really discouraged. But it seems awfully disingenuous of me to pretend, even if only through my silence, that everything over here is all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. I am so thankful for your feedback and that my post helped validate you. The thing is: there's no fairy-tale ending. There's no specific beginning to this madness, and I don't see that there's a specific end. That's because relationships take WORK.

I have done better at some times than others. Right now is a down time, and that's what I was attempting to get at in that first post: even though I don't consider myself an "anniversary person," I do think that the anniversary/antiversary is reeking havoc on my psyche right now. Why else would I be so up and down right now?

uRworthy and labug wrote today on Maybell's thread about learning to ask for what we need. I have identified this as something I really need to work on in myself. And as I was in bed Saturday night, I literally almost drove myself nuts trying to figure out *what it is* I wanted/needed in that exact moment ... and how to ask for it. But my anger and my "cycling" really stood in the way of me figuring out the healthiest way to handle the situation. Meanwhile, H was downstairs, scared out of his mind that I was going to leave or fly off the handle. And I'm thinking: If I do just *one thing wrong*, he's going to leave again.

Ugh. Round and round and round it goes ...

H thinks he doesn't "deserve" for me to meet his needs; he even went so far as to suggest that we cut off ML until he has "earned" it by consistently meeting my needs. And to be honest: that broke my heart to hear him say. This isn't about score-keeping. He doesn't have a lot of time for "intimate conversation" because *he's always working* to provide for our family. And he's tired. But he's being faithful. And he's providing, allowing me to stay home with the kids. ALL of this must be kept in perspective when I get a little butt-hurt because I feel he's trying to "rush" one date ... and it's one that, let's be honest, he was really nervous about because we had BOTH mentally prepared for it to end in disaster. (Essentially, we CREATED that for ourselves.)

That was a bunch of rambling.

Thankfully, I'm feeling a little better now. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, and I have to keep reminding myself that H isn't going to walk out over one night of me not feeling or acting my best. He's demonstrating a lot of patience with my "mood swings."

And 4mend, I still struggle with what exactly "forgiveness" is. I can read about it all day long. The problem is: I'm naturally very forgiving; in fact, my dad used to say I'm *too* forgiving (though I don't know what that would look like, either). I imagine forgiveness happens after a lot of practice ... and a lot of time. DB principles, I think, help with that process a whole lot.

Thanks for sticking with me and, again, for your kind note.

Keep your chin up. And thanks for propping mine up for me today.

[twinmom]

Train, good for you! I am happy to hear you at least have some fun money of your own.

Thank you for sharing. I really do care and pray for your happiness.

[4mendmj]

You were NOT rambling miss. Only thing I thought when I read it was why not go to the knick knack shop even if there was a closing time you were butting up against? Sometimes I wonder if we sabatoge our own outcomes because we presume what will happen? IDK...

I to forgive too easily or at least tell myself I do and then harbor the resentment very deep. I fear everyday what I am doing and whether it is wrong or not. Yesterday I could have thrown in the towel, today I meet with a lawyer and it gave me the renewed confidence to continue for weeks to come! Why do I bounce back n forth? Why does that make me feel weak?

Then I read your posts today. For the love of all things holy, always tell us the bad stuff, this is the spot to do it. I have not been around long but I already know that is true. I can get it off my chest, have Starsky call me out and then get good advice. Today, I quit doing my wife's laudnry for the first time in a decade! What can you do today to make your sitch better? Sounds like you might go downstairs and just hold H's hand for 5 minutes, kiss him and walk away with a smile. While leaving, look back with that smile of happiness, happy you worked hard to get to that moment and you had it and then you carried on. Let yourself love just a little.

[Train]

Thank you, sweet twin. Ditto to you, my friend.

4mend, you are so kind. I think you are very smart to have stopped doing the laundry ... and to have met with a L. Knowledge is power.

What can you do today to make your sitch better?
This is a wise question. I needed this reminder. THANK YOU.

Only thing I thought when I read it was why not go to the knick knack shop even if there was a closing time you were butting up against? Sometimes I wonder if we sabatoge our own outcomes because we presume what will happen?
Yes. You're exactly right. I was being a cry-baby because H wasn't "acting" too excited. He seemed rushed. I should have gone. We would have ended up having a great time. And I would have eaten something good instead of peanut-butter crackers for dinner! LOL. I stand in my own way a lot.

Thank y'all so much for the pats on the back. I needed them this week. You guys rock.

[Jefe]

Train, I can't say that I have any clue what it's like to be in your shoes. I can say that I have has some similar events happen and I am feeling some similar emotions lately. But something struck me as I'm reading your long post above. What hit me is the fact that as I wrestle with this crap in my own head I feel much like you do, but as I read your story I'm able to grip and understand things differently and relate them back to my own situation. I know this. If you don't get a harness and saddle on that resentment and break it, quickly, it will devour you and everything you hold dear. I'm a poster child for resentment. It has destroyed marriages, friendships, careers, hobbies, you name it. And that's just scratching the surface of my life. I don't feel very qualified to even speak to you about your situation as you have far more flight time here and other veterans here know you and DBing much better, but that's what jumped out at me.

[Train]

If you don't get a harness and saddle on that resentment and break it, quickly, it will devour you and everything you hold dear.
Jefe, thank you. And you are right. "Resentment," I believe, is the KEY word. It's absolutely key. I think it's one of the things I'm struggling with most.

I read a FB status by MWD not too long ago. I don't know if I posted about it here, but I did mention it in an email correspondence with my MIL, who is using her experiences in her 50-year marriage with FIL to really identify with and help me/us. Anyway, MWD said something to the effect of: All Ms have ups and downs. But it's COMMITMENT that holds it together during the down times.

And eureka. That's when it hit me: H has not been "committed." He hasn't been loyal. We've been M for 11 years. He has cheated twice.

I didn't realize until he came back this time that he had cheated on the girlfriend he had right before meeting me - a girlfriend he kept for 3 years. He told me all of this once he came back home. You would have NEVER been able to convince me, in the 18 months we dated before M, that he had cheated on someone. He never shared that, and I would not have believed it because he is such a doting, loving man who shows love better - and seemingly more genuinely - than any man I've ever known.

But he cheated on her. And he has cheated on me. There's nothing loyal about that. There's nothing committed about that. So what do we have in "down" times? THAT is where I'm worried. That's where I'm stuck. It's easy enough to say: "Well, don't have down times." But c'mon, ya know? Everybody has down times. Every marriage has down times. I'm worried about my H's commitment during those times, and I'm raging against that very thing. It makes it really hard to let go and "trust."

So, yeah, I have resentments I need to let go of. But I have worries moving forward, too. And they're pretty d@mn justified.

[Jefe]

OK, so Resentment + Fear of the future. The first one you have total control over.

You do have total control over the second one too. The fear portion.

The future is going to bring whatever it brings but we ultimately have control over the fear. Now I say this not because I am any kind of expert or Fear-Fu master. I say this because I need to hear it too.

Just my 2¢

And yes, you're justified and committed but only one of these can exist at a time.

[Train]

The future is going to bring whatever it brings

Not necessarily, my friend. We have a lot more control over our futures than we think. That's the whole point of DBing, yes? The notion that ONE person can save a M (it takes one to tango) ... ?

My actions matter. Your actions matter. Scary stuff, actually.

But, yes, we DO have some control over our futures.

I'll make a deal with you, Jefe: I'll work real hard on my resentments if you promise you'll work on understanding that you have more control over your future than what you think you do.

Deal?

I just spit on my hand. Wanna shake on it?

Thank you, seriously, for your words tonight. I value them all so much.

[Train]

And yes, you're justified and committed but only one of these can exist at a time.

Now THIS is poetry, my friend ...

I'm gonna chew on this REAL hard.

[Jefe]

Deal... (wipes hand on pants... )