Anybody can answer this, but Betsey, if you're around... Can you remember good times from your marriage? Times when things worked really well?
I'm remembering almost all bad times. When I look back I just see a forest of red flags, and I feel kind of stupid for having been so committed to Mr. Fantastic.
And also I feel guilty for my kids. Because of all the men in all the world and I picked THIS guy to be their dad?
Not feeling down, per se, but wondering if I will pick someone better and be more successful if I ever love again. Also wondering IF I will ever love again. Or if anyone will find me lovable.
Thanks.
Last edited by Maybell; 02/14/1504:49 AM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell- I'm sure Betsey will be around soon to weigh in.
Personally - Yes I remember not just good times but great times, lots of them, right up until about the time D3 was born and he started the first affair.
Zew said something a few days ago on my thread that really hit home with me - that he would remarry the person he married in a heartbeat. I'd have to say that's true for me as well.
Am I questioning my judgement - yes, yes I am. I like to think that after this my radar will be a little more finely tuned, but ultimately there aren't any guarantees in life, are there?
By the way - I know your STBX is being a D****e of a dad right now, but that doesn't mean he will be that way forever. He probably won't ever be ideal- but he very well could learn to meet some of their needs. Maybe he'll listen to "Cats in the Cradle" and something will click
Anybody can answer this, but Betsey, if you're around... Can you remember good times from your marriage? Times when things worked really well?
When I think about the past with her, it's almost all I think about. Inexplicably, I have regular flashes of a vacation in California a few years ago. I see us looking at the ocean, driving on the coast, walking around LA or San Francisco, a delicious meal at a Japanese restaurant or a fabulous pizzeria. I think of our engagement in Hawaii too (on the beach! she was so happy...). I think of a holiday in Spain that was less successful, just as we were piecing after we came so close to breaking up in 2009. I think of all the ways in which she told me we were together forever. How she'd tell me she was afraid I'd die, the look in her eyes when we got married, the yellow dress she wore...
OK, I'll stop here because I'm welling up, but you get the point. I'm not even making efforts and in fact I wish my brain would stop thinking about her this way. Usually, I'm allergic to thoughts of bad times but I attribute it to my state of denial, i.e. I don't want to admit that S might be a reasonable idea. Your focus on the hard times might be a sign that you're truly moving on.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
You know, I really loved my STBX. And I think I love him still and that's why I am so disappointed at how he treats the kids. But when I look backward, I just see ways in which he wasn't engaged. Like during a time that was pretty good in our marriage, before kids, when his parents were coming up to visit a few months after we left their area and I was thinking of all these fun things to do, and he was just nodding and saying "sounds great, thanks for doing that." Or how hard it was to ever get him to plan a vacation or to plan anything at all. I'd suggest doing X and he'd say things like "But I don't know where to park the car for that." And how when I was about to leave for four days (10 hour road trip by myself) to do some work on my graduate thesis, and he didn't bother waking up to say goodbye to me before I left. (He did this to D11 last weekend too when I took her on an early outing on his weekend).
I anticipate someone is going to ask me what made a period of our marriage good and I *think* I would say that it was a period when we didn't have any significant disruptors happening and nothing to fight over and life was calm so it was easier to enjoy our time together. But I would NEVER say that it was because we were doing interesting things, having a lot of FUN, never a time when I felt cherished, supported, or safe. Our best times were just when I was feeling content.
Loving him and having memories of a good marriage to hold on to are very different for me and it worries me a bit.
Last edited by Maybell; 02/14/1501:21 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Mayb, I get that feeing l like stbxh wasnt engaged.
I look back and see so many times he just wasn't engaged, stbxh talked big acted small. I often complained his words and actions were not aligned.
It was his complaint about me, but I feel I did talk commitment I did say where I was and what I was up to day to day. I think part of that was spew, friends often used to see him in places he just never said he was, nor would I expect him to be.
His reason always was they were mistaken, he wasn't there. Once or twice I spring him eating lunch alone out in a local cafe. By the attitude of the cafe it was regular according to stbxh it was a never.
Stbxh stalked my car, Internet places, I think emails. phone.
The phone and email came to light when he made a big deal of trying to crack my passwords, when s17 was using devices without permission. He then started making a bigger deal of my "cheating" which I wasn't but he was. I did say to stbxh, I'm not cheating unless you have evidence please stop hassling me. He kept on hassling me, then I got sus and started asking him who are you cheating with? Cheaters accuse, which was how he was behaving.
As I was told by a bloke yesterday, it's very easy to have 20/20 hind sight. Seeing what I see now really does make better sense in hind sight.
Yes looking at what happened and how it went down can help you to be more aware next time. Helps you take action before things end up in flames.
Will you want to be with a man like stbxh, who didn't engage? It helps you to know what you want. Where your bounderies lie.
I want someone who is a hell yes person. Not a hell yes, then later resent you. Later expect pay back for more than they gave. Later hold you accountable for any failure they make.
Last edited by Ggrass; 02/15/1512:48 AM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Maybell, I remember plenty of good times with my W, where we would laugh and joke around, I look at old pictures of us and see how happy we were. I often question where it went so wrong and why. I do wonder if she looks back and recalls the same memories i do or if she looks back and only remembers hurt and regret.
Cats in the cradle has always been one of my favourite songs. My dad worked in sales so he was often gone 8+ months of the year. The song really hits close to home for me. Turns out he had been having an affair on my mom for 7+ years before he came clean last christmas and said that would be the last time he was coming back. Kind of ironic how much my W despised my father for what he had done and then less then 6 months later she does the same thing.... Well minus the other family.
Me 28 W 27 T 10 M 2 No kids (fertility issues - mine) Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed W moved out 9/15/14 W dating OM 11/22/14
Happy VD, all! I've been out all day and finally made it home.
1) Because it's VD, I understand this question today. 2) Yes, I remember lots of good times where things clicked. I also remember times when they didn't. 3) It's sometimes easier to dwell on the yucky when you're where you are emotionally. That's ok. 4) I was really content remembering the less than lovely. Then one day my oldest dragged out family movies. I saw for myself that we had happy years.
That being said, they're snapshots in time. We wouldn't have loved them if there hadn't been love. Don't do what they do and rewrite the past.
Tomorrow is a new day. You can create great moments on your own. Isn't hat empowering?
You're loved folks. Just ask those who are there for you every day.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
