KGirl - letting the past go

[KGirl]

Maybe it's this anxiety about the possibility of dating, I don't know, but I'm feeling the "whys" creep in again and I hate it. I feel like they'll never really go away. The "Why did this have to happen?" and "Why exactly did he feel like he had to leave?" and "Why wasn't I a good enough partner?" and "What is wrong with him??" and "What is wrong with ME??" I still find myself wondering what exactly lead to this, especially because his answers have been so confusing (he'll say "It's not about you, this is all about me" and then a minute later "you always made me feel guilty until proven innocent, you always thought I was doing something bad.") Is it really about him, or is it about me? And if it was about me why was he unwilling to work with me? Or was it all really about his crush at work and everything was just BS to disguise that and I should ignore it?

Uggggh... *BIG SIGH*.

[SunnyB]

KGirl, the one thing I know is that this isn't a linear process. Some days are great, some are not. The why trap is really easy to get stuck into. Just acknowledge that this a why day and try not to dwell too much on it. Go do something for yourself. Tomorrow you'll be back on track.

And it's him......

[KGirl]

OK. I have a confession about something I did this morning. When I was in a state of sorrow and confusion I emailed H. I guess I don't really care anymore because I'm not trying to save the M. I just want some answers. So I emailed him essentially saying the following: I will submit the financial disclosure this week, I just need to double check it. Honestly, I still don't know why exactly this happened, and it's hard for me to have closure and move on without having some information. You said this was all about you, but also said this was about things I did (like making you feel guilty about proving innocent). Which is it? Is it you, is it me, is it some combination of both? It's hard for me to know what to fix or watch for in the future without knowing what lead to this, besides not staying with someone who breaks up with me multiple times and who doesn't suggest getting married on their own.

Yeah, I know, not DBing. Maybe I shouldn't be here anymore. I don't know. I just want information at this point, or for him to tell me the truth. Although part of me feels like I'll never get it anyway. I guess I just want to hear what his final word is. I haven't gotten a response yet. But then I went out with a friend tonight who I've known for awhile who said "K, I'd be the first to tell you if you were being unreasonably suspicious or untrustworthy of anyone you date in the future. But I know with STBX, from what you have told me, your reasons for being suspicious and untrustworthy of him were totally unfounded. You are a GREAT catch and he is going to have a hard time finding something better." H*ll, I talked to some ladies across the hall at work today who I hardly ever even talk to and they even said, "this is totally about you and not about him."

So rppfl, I kind of chuckle at your "and it's him..." but at the same time, maybe that really is all it is?? But I still feel the need to own up to whatever my part is in this, and just laying it on him means I don't have a part.

More sighing..

[Mozza]

Oh well, why not. Let us know what he replies. Vets, especially 25yearsmlc, tell us not to dwell too much on the whys. To me, it's like asking an acquaintance why s/he is not in love with us. It's a feeling, it comes and goes and when it's not there, it's hard to understand what happened. Also keep in mind that no one has the same references and criteria as you, so his explanations, even if sincere and accurate, could very well not make sense to you.

I think it's good that you're here. We come with the illusion that DB gives us control over our sitches, but what it really does it help us get better without messing up the sitch further. So even if you're nearly D'ed, you still have some way to go. It saddens me when people go because they give up on the M, not really sharing their path from here to happiness. I find your story interesting and hope you'll stick with us and keep us posted. In fact, I can't wait for you to fall in love!

[KGirl]

Oops, edit, friend said reasons were totally founded, not unfounded. I wish the edit period were longer!

Thanks for your support, mozza my friend and I talked quite a bit today about how there must be guys out there that have their sh*t together but aren't so type A as to be boring, and that we just need to find them. One day!

[KGirl]

Well, H never responded to that email. Go figure. But when I start getting a case of the "WHY??"s, telling myself "he couldn't even answer a direct question from you as to why - he doesn't even know" is somehow helpful. His reasons were full of contradictions, anyway.

I was really excited about going to get a new phone today (mine is 2 years old and I made the mistake of picking the cheapest phone at the time)... long story short, it doesn't make sense for me to get a new phone until we switch our phone plan from a family plan to 2 single ones. Which means H and I have to go to the store together to set that up. Which means no new phone until we arrange that. Grrrr. I sent him an email explaining this and that I absolutely want to have a new phone before the end of March (I'm going on a trip and want to be able to take good pictures), and gave him dates I am not free and that any other date I'd be free. I thought about suggesting "maybe you should research ahead of time what you plan you want" so it goes quickly, but not my business - he's a grown man in theory and should be able to figure that out. This and then the final court date are probably the last two times we'll actually have to meet together in-person.

[gan]

KGirl, I live in a different country with different systems but...

I originally thought we'd both have to go to a store, too. But then I spoke to someone at the store and found out all I needed to do was get a signature from H on a form that said I'm taking my number with me. All done by email then I just took the form to the store.

[KGirl]

Hi ganb8te - at first we talked about that and I even signed the form releasing his number (I'm the primary account holder). Then I said "so do I tell you what I want my plan to be, then, so that when he comes in to set up his plan, mine will default to that?" and then the salesperson said "oh.. yeah... you won't be able to do this this way. We'll have to change them simultaneously." Something about how because we have a family plan with only 2 lines, and if he leaves the plan, then my plan can't even exist because I only have the one line and it's not a one line plan (don't know what happens when you try it, I'm assuming the space-time continuum doesn't rip but... it does seem complicated). Did you have a 2 line plan that he then had to convert to a 1 line plan? I know here anyway you can easily do that when you have more lines (3+) and one person leaves because the original plan just drops one of its line charges.

[KGirl]

Hmm... I'm finding H's lack of responses strange, and perhaps a little concerning. He has not responded to any of my emails this week, which included actual questions about logistics (not just "sharing info" emails but there were those too, including a copy of my financial disclosure that I scanned and sent to him as confirmation that I turned mine in. Also no response). He did not submit his financial disclosure to the court yet, according the online records, despite him saying he'd for sure have it in this week. I would think his family or someone would tell me if something had happened to him.... right? He could just be on vacation or traveling for work or something and hasn't been able to answer. But he has his phone glued to his hand so if he's conscious, he's seeing my questions and emails.

Do I bother worrying or checking in yet? In the past he has responded to me within a day when I've had a question about something. Part of me wonders if maybe he's second-guessing and therefore not answering anything right now.. but I know I shouldn't give any space in my thoughts to that topic, too dangerous.

I'm trying to stay positive - it's been a tough weekend so far even though I've already been through V-day once without him. February 13, 2010 was when he proposed to me, but luckily I didn't remember until later in the day. I spent the day yesterday running errands, treating myself to Olive Garden lunch, and watching a movie. Today I had an excellent haul at the grocery store with my coupons (spent $18 but saved $20, for two bags of groceries), and plan to go get a heart-shaped pizza later for dinner (because why not??) Plans with a friend tomorrow for lunch and then a craft project so I need to clean my place today. It's too cold to want to go out much (-20F windchill. Gross.) So, I'm staying busy, but still concerned about H seeming to have fallen off the face of the earth this week...

[Mozza]

Thanks for the update, KGirl. I wouldn't read too much into the delays. My WAW has complained to me a few times that I was slow to respond and once she even evoke lawyers when I took 36 hours to respond. This reminded me that time feels much longer when you're just waiting, than when it's your turn. He might not have realized. And no, I wouldn't think of the possibility that he's reconsidering because it might go the opposite way. So I personally wouldn't check on him because he likely has people around him (no depression or suicide risk, right?) and really you're not trying to rush this process. Probably best if you look like you don't care all that much, right?

I really like your Friday GAL!