The awakening of me Part 3

[CaliGuy]

They truly do not like to come to the home when the spouse is there because they truly do not want us to see what they are removing from the home. They feel entitled and think of everything as theirs.

X2^^^^

I had no idea what MLC was at BD, nor till about 8-9 months after!!! (Who was in a fog???) But totally agree with job, looking back at my MLC'r she took everything and everything that was worthy. I had blinders on thinking .. ok, I get she is upset and has been, give her some space and time .. 3 months all this will blow over so I did'nt really fight it.

Reading up extensively since ... M, you need to set some hard boundaries here, for you and for your H, he must know his choice is his choice ... he must respect you and your home .. .the one he is leaving. He and the convicted felon in your house on a free shopping spree bothers you, do not put up with it!

[mleigh4]

Thanks Cali. Ya, I'm a softy but it is time for some boundaries.

I realized, he has had the key to his house and has been moving things since Martin Luther King Day. So ridiculous. 3 weeks is more than enough time.

If after this weekend, he keeps coming in when I am not around, I will consider changing the locks. I just honestly don't know if I can do that, legally. We both own that house so I don't if I can get in big trouble for doing that. We have great benefits here at my job, and I can call a free legal hotline, so I will find out.

[Matt165]

Hi Leigh,
Just wanted to add to the voices here. My W snuck in the house she left many times bringing her father (whom she KNEW I wouldn't want there when I wasn't). After I asked her to "let me know before you come" she texted me on a day I just happened to be home and not 2 hours away at work. She texted that she was on her way with her father and his wife. She showed up 5 min later! She thought I wasn't going to be there and she did "let me know" ahead of time. I wish I had a picture of the look on their faces when they pulled up and I was waiting in the driveway! Even after promising not to come when I wasn't there she used out 14 year old D key and kept right on coming over and taking things. She took the flour and sugar for baking for Gods sake! The kids coin collections that MY FATHER gave them (worth a lot of money and I still haven't gotten back). And Job is right.... Once they have something you won't ever get it back.

If I were you I would trust almost anyone more than H to be in your home when you're not because H feels it's "his house too" even though he is the one that left! 7 months later and my bedroom closet is still filled with HER stuff she doesn't wear or doesn't fit her anymore. She was quick to get the stuff she wanted but not to get her crap out of my way!

Don't make the same mistakes I did Leigh. Don't trust him and don't expect him to do the "right" thing. If he had any values he wouldn't be needing to move out ,he would be working to save his M and family! I hope you get that quiet, no H stress weekend!

[job]

If you can't legally change the locks, then add another lock to the doors and don't give him a key. You will be truthful when you say that you didn't change the current locks and do not give him a key to the ones. If asked about it, say, after having a convicted felon in my home, I do not want him to return and come into my home and steal stuff either while I am away or even here. I do not know the company you've been keeping, therefore, I do not know who has a key to our home and who doesn't.

There is always a way around these things and you have to think outside the box.

[123Gwen]

Most states allow you to change your locks once the spouse moves out. You just can't sell the art collection but changing the locks is perfectly fine. He moved out.

As long as he can enter and leave the home at will H will consider it his house too. If you want to send that message that is ok but changing the locks sends a message too. This is something you can control and it is entirely up to you.

My H moved far away and I still changed the locks. H has no idea but I did it for me. I needed to control something. If you just have a locksmith rekey them it is way cheaper. i also had an extra key made for H just in case he ever gets through this MLC. A key without an owner sounds so sad but I also needed to put some hope and positive vibes into this situation.

[mleigh4]

thanks again everyone. Your input means a lot and I am listening.

S and I had a great Thursday night. I never got any response from my TM to H, but I expected as much. The only H business I had to deal with was a phone call to S, to say goodnight. I didn't hear the conversation, I was in the kitchen cooking, but I did hear H ask S if he wanted to go to a Sharks hockey game Sat. Night, and S say no.

Some background...FIL has Sharks season tickets that he got for him and H to go to together. 2 tickets. It's their thing. So when I heard H ask S about it, I assumed H was asking S because FIL gave up his ticket for them to go. So after the call, I asked S, does daddy have a Sharks game Sat. Night? S said yes.

So to back up some more. The other night when H was here, he mentioned he was going to ask S to stay at his place Saturday night, but S told him he was going to see Spongebob movie that night with his friends. I told H, yes, I just found out his plans today and was going to tell you tonight. So H said, I will try to change a Monday morning meeting I have so S can stay over Sunday day night instead and I can take him to school. So I said, ok, but no time has been set for the movies yet, I haven't talked to the moms yet, so if it's during the day, you can have him over Saturday night. I said I will let you know, he said ok.

I swear, that was the exact conversation on Wed night. This morning, I looked up movie Times, the boys want to see 3D and the only time is 6:10, so the plans were made today with the moms. I thought to let H know and make sure that was ok, but then I remembered he has a hockey game so shouldn't be a problem......MY BAD.

H just called to ask what time the movie was, S told him 6:10. H hesitated, then told S oh, I was thinking you would come over tomorrow and stay the night, can I talk to mommy? I just thought, oh crap..

So H goes off, saying that I said S was going to the movies during the day and he could have him after and overnight. I said I thought he had a Sharks game, that S had said that. H said no, FIL had extra tickets up for grabs and he was seeing if he wanted to go. I said I am sorry, I assumed they had a game and that Sat night was no longer an option for him. He just kept going off on me and saying I said this and that so I got ticked because nothing was ever set, all was up in the air. I will take full responsibility for not checking with him, it was an honest mistake. But his attitude set me off.

So I stood my ground, I told him this is why we need a schedule! ( He can't set a schedule yet because he doesn't know his work schedule yet with his promotion and asked that I be flexible right now) I told him I don't know what is the matter with him, but I know exactly what I said and to stop putting words in my mouth and this is all his choice. I said, why don't you just take him after the movie? He said no, then it makes it into something bad, whatever that means. So he said he would just take him for the day on Sunday, I said ok. We hung up.

So here I am, feeling bad. I want S and H to spend time together. I really do. This was all a total dumb misunderstanding. So I almost....ALMOST.... TM H to go to movie WITH us, then take H home with him. But you know what? Screw him.

I thought of all the nights he went out for all hours, stayed in the garage all night, played on his IPad, mangrooned for hours, played at his new house, all instead of spending time with S. And now, after this week away he realizes how much he misses him?? Ya, your choice and your problem.

I love my husband, very much, would do anything for him. But this guy? Ya, not my husband and don't really like him. He has caused so much disruption in our lives, in many people's lives, and I finally am getting a taste of my freedom from it. I don't give a rat's a## what he thinks of me right now. You know why? Because I know who I am. An amazing, loving, caring person. Not who he tries to make me out to be.

It feels good, to let it go.

On a happier note. Having a wonderful rainy Friday night. S and I watched Back To The Future. S loved it. Had spaghetti and just hanging out. A much needed night, aside from the call.

H won't and can't mess it up:) I am taking 4 crazy children to the movies tomorrow night and spending Sunday with my girlfriends. I only need to deal with H moving more stuff tomorrow, so aside from that, looking to be a fun weekend.

[mleigh4]

Catching up....

Saturday S and I spent the day at home. I went around the house and made a list of what H has taken. It actually made me feel a lot better to see it on paper instead of jumbled in my head. Honestly, what he has taken compared to what is left here isn't all too bad. In going through cabinets, I came across some things H should have at his place for when he has S. You know, important stuff like a pan to make brownies, taco holders, little containers for his lunch box.... I also got together some dog toys for when H takes her. I did this for S and doggie, not H.

Saturday evening I took S and his 3 buddies to see the Spongebob movie. While there, H TM that he was giving me a heads up that he was going to our house to drop off some things he got me from Costco, (he had asked for a list), and to get a few things from the garage. He said he would get the rest on Sunday while I was home. I TM back thanking him for the heads up, that that was all I had wanted before, and to please get what he needed that night. I just did not want to spend my Sunday with him in and out. I also let him know I got a box of stuff together for him. When he was done, he let me know. I let him know that we were heading home in case he wanted to see S, but he said he was starving and had frozen foods so had already left. When I got home, I noticed he returned my candleholder back along with the garbage can from the garage.

Sunday morning was his day with S. He TM about 10:30 to se if he could head over. I said sure and got S ready to go. He came in and we went over a few things about S. I asked him how his place held up over the rainy weekend. He said the house was fine, but the roosters next door are waking him up every morning at 4:30. He then went on to complain that the toilet screws were stripped on the floor, and that the kitchen sink pipe broke. He said he has done nothing but complain to the home owner about fixing these things, but feels justified to do so......hhmmmm... Not so much his paradise?????

I can't help it, it makes me happy to hear it's not such smooth sailing. My favorite part is the roosters! That will drive him crazy. Just being honest

So H left with S and dog and I spent the day with my girlfriends. Later that evening, I was in his area so I picked up S from his place. I ended up hanging out for about an hour. H made chocolate chip cookies, the cheating kind :), and we watched some tv. He apologized for the house being a mess. Oh my, no comment on that. A definite boy pad with no sign of any female touch. I was happy to see that. I felt very comfortable, we had a good visit all together. When leaving, I told H he is welcome over anytime he wants to spend time with S, to come have dinner with us or help him with his homework. H said he definitely plans on that, and that he has been bombarded with the house falling apart. He said he will do that soon and that he still wants the 3 of us to go have dinner together soon.

So overall a good weekend. I feel H and I are back on peaceful ground and good terms. I feel more and more relaxed at home. I don't feel like he will pop in at any moment. You guys were right, with H leaving, a lot of the negative energy left too. I get the feeling it will only get better

[job]

I'm glad things are going well for you and your son. I laughed when I read that the roosters where crowing early in the am. Just wait until he can open the windows and hear them even more so. LOL! The place doesn't sound like a paradise at all. I can't even imagine the mess he's had to deal w/and the other things that will crop up in the days to come. Good luck getting the landlord to fix things!

I'm glad that things are peaceful and quiet at home. You and your son, as well as your pets need this. Pets can sense stress and it can affect the way that they behave at times. Life sounds like is good for you and I hope it stays that way.
Enjoy the peace and quiet...you've earned it.

[mleigh4]

All still smooth on the home front.

Monday night S and I had an H free night. I have to be honest, and I don't know if it's because it's new and will wear off, but I am really enjoying my H free house. It's just more relaxed. I'm exhausted, taking care of everything each night is a lot of work, but I feel fulfilled at the end of the day. And so tired I am sleeping great.

Tuesday night H TM on his way home from work, asked to come have dinner with us. I said sure, we can share. So we all had hamburgers, then H helped S with his homework. While I got S's bath ready, we talked a little about him coming while we are away next week to get some final things, and showed me what he was taking to make sure ok. He agreed that S seeing him in and out moving stuff is not good. He then asked if he could take some pics off the fridge. It's covered with our pics and S's school projects. He pulled one off and asked, can I take this one, I love this pic? I looked, it's one of the 3 of us sitting on Santa Monica beach when S was about 3, all grinning ear to ear. I was speechless for a sec, but told him sure, I have an extra at work. That one really threw me. If I see that on his fridge, that will blow me away. Not sure what to think of that. In our recent conversations, I see H's mind is as scrambled as eggs, he continues to make odd choices, but he is listening. He hears me, about taking things, about moving so much in front of S, he hears me and is reacting with respect. A sign of my old H.

Wed night MIL had S at her house for Grammy day. H picked him up and we met 1/2 way to do a S switch.

Tonight, another H free night so far. I am feeling great. Very relaxed, not thinking much about sitch, just staying really focused on myself and S. Today is our 15 year dating anniversary, but don't feel really sad like I did last year. S and I made brownies to give to H for valentines day. Our new couch is being delivered on Saturday. And Monday S and I head to SoCal to Legoland. All in all, things are good.

[job]

You sound far more relaxed now that h has moved out. The tension and stress aren't there any longer and this new found freedom will be the best thing for you and your son.

Things sound like they are moving alone. I'm sure you can't wait for the couch to be delivered tomorrow. It will brighten things up in the room. As for your trip to LEGOLAND...I hope you and your son have a blast. Enjoy the time away and I do hope that your h will remember to keep the door shut so that kitty won't get out.

Enjoy your time in LEGOLAND!