Complex #4 - D talk started / Detaching continues

[Complex]

I actually do DB ok recently, what's in my head is not necessarily reflecting my actions. I'm pretty disciplined.

I'm just looking for more specific advice, techniques in everyday-life situations and how to deal with S and D talk or when W is bringing it up or general interaction with W (which to a certain extend will be unavoidable).

[Complex]

Did anyone read Jack Ito "Connecting through saying yes" and "How one of you can bring the two of you together" by Susan Page?

General update: my GAL projects are going well and I feel some energy coming back into me. Plus I feel better detached although I use this forum her Asa catalyst to rant, vent and ask questions to which most if them I know the answer already. But I occupies me and I always get new advice here...or old one that I still didn't dig well enough.
Valentine's day I have a date at the Casino playing a poker tournament lol.
College classes are going well. Work is getting better, social life starts improving.
IC helps too. That was a huge step for me personally. Never thought I'd need or do that.

There's a family/ family friends event coming up which I'm scared of. I committed to it long time ago helping setting up and pouring wine and doing some wine education. I don't know who will be there (not even if W is going), neither do I have any idea if soneone knows yet. Gonna be rough but I said I'll help so I will.

[Complex]

Officially on mesa now (Prozac). Temporarily my doctor said, just to get through the separation so I will be able to function.
I am still critical but I'll give it a shot. Yesterday I felt great, thought no way I need mesa. Today I feel down...but maybe also bc I worked out like crazy last two days, so I'm actualky just beat^^

We will see how it goes. Supposed to take 6-8 weeks until it works...hope it won't get wirse at first like many reported here. Gotta hang in there.

[Complex]

*meds.

Hm, today for the first time I started doubting if W is actually right for me. I still love her. But I don't know how this could work. Just another day with another emotion I guess. But it's something that is for sure coming up from here on once in a while.
Did anyone have like "loss of love" while DBing? How did you deal with it?
Thanks

[Complex]

Well...how do I deal with W leaving the house to go somewhere (at night). She doesn't look like 1000$ but hair is done, makeup on, which a while ago wasn't that usual.

So when she just left I gave her a look and said have fun, but more in a "where are you going?" tone...
Then she explained to me where she is actually going (true or not). Old work friend in town, few ppl going. Blabla. This sht makes me mad, true or not.
I obviously have trust and controlling issues still.
Should I rather be uplifting and say have fun? Say nothing? Or let her know I don't agree with what she's doing (which is an assumption, and will make her mad if I'm wrong)?
And does it make sense to apologize for making her justify herself?

I appreciate your input on this...Starsky and others

[Ontheup]

I would say nothing. What do you want her to say. She's off to see OM?
I know my wife will be with OM at some point these next couple of days and that she has got him a gift and card. I don't need her to tell me that.

[SM34]

Following along. Still catching up on your sitch but wanted to say that all I've read so far of your story is very typical.

As far as your feelings towards wife, you will cycle through loving her, being obsessed., being indifferent, and even Maybe hating her? Its normal during this traumatic experience.

I'll be reading along until I fully understand your situation.

[Vapo]

Complex, all that you are feeling is normal. You can now see why we all say to you to detach for your own sanity. You have to separate your feelings, because it will eat you inside if you don't. And as I said in one of my previous answers, it will lift a HUGE weight of your shoulders when you do.

Just give it time. And time is something you have a lot of now. Don't sit home alone feeling sorry for yourself, go out, mingle, go to the gym, even if you don't feel like it at the moment. Fake it until you make it.

I see you are hurting inside when your W goes out, you want to believe her, and you pray to god that she isn't doing anything. The sad truth is you really cannot believe her at this time. Just accept that your W as you knew her, checked out and there is currently another person, an alien, invading her body.

Trust nothing she says and only half of what she does. Believe me, I know how you feel, but you must believe me IT DOES GET BETTER. Just give it time.

And oh yeah, do not ask here where she is going, who with, when she's coming back, do not wait up for her, remember, she WILL LIE to you, even if she's been honest before the BD.

Read up on boundaries and do ask questions. No one here will judge you, we understand EXACTLY what you are going trough...

[Ontheup]

Keep you chin up complex

I know it is really hard. DO NOT BELEIVE A WORD SHE SAYS! she will lie and do what ever it takes to keep her affair going. Its an addiction. A drug. My wife is doing exactly the same. Asking me if im ok one minute with her puppy dog eyes, then walking out the door the next off to see OM with his VD gift and her new sexy undies on. It is all bullsh1t. stay well

[Sotto]

Hi Complex

Some good advice from the others there....

I think the place to aim for is one where your W tells you she's going out, but you barely wonder where she's going or who with. Maybe that's because you have a nice GAL plan yourself. Or maybe you have just got yourself to a place where you accept the situation.

Acceptance is where you truly accept - she has checked out of our M, she is wayward, there's an OP involved, she may or may not be lying today - all brutal reality - but I'm ok....now, what lovely things do I plan to do next with my life.

Please don't think I'm downplaying the anguish here - I'm just saying that the anguish doesn't help you and it doesn't help your aim of restoring your M either. So, if you can find a way to process and keep moving forwards, that's the best plan.