Thread #11 was not at all what I thought it'd be. One Sunday night I found stuff and the following Friday I was in two attorneys offices. Just not what I'd imagined at all but I'm learning to take life as it's thrown at me, the best I can.
Now, I've reached the lucky dozen.
Still building the courage to have that talk with stbx. I'm stuck there and for now I'm ok with that. I have an IC appointment this morning and I'll definitely talk about it, see if we can get me unstuck.
I find myself still day dreaming about working on the marriage and being able to fulfill each others' needs with smiles on our faces. Still. Denial. It's beautiful here.
Then I remember the emails I've found and it all comes flooding back.
I ache for my daughter. A deep, gnawing, life-long ache.
I also hate the word "divorce", the feelings it invokes, the stigma that comes with it, the pain it brings my daughter. Can't we call it something else? Anything else.
Inside I'm ok. I'm certainly not on the floor but I'm also not chasing enlightenment like I was just before that Sunday night discovery. I just am and for now that's ok. My house is a bit of a wreck and I'm generally ok with that for now.
Can't say that I'm moving along but I'm doing some serious thinking about moving along. LOL
Thread #11 was not at all what I thought it'd be. One Sunday night I found stuff and the following Friday I was in two attorneys offices. Just not what I'd imagined at all but I'm learning to take life as it's thrown at me, the best I can.
Now, I've reached the lucky dozen.
Still building the courage to have that talk with stbx. I'm stuck there and for now I'm ok with that. I have an IC appointment this morning and I'll definitely talk about it, see if we can get me unstuck.
How about a fresh start with a new thread title?
Sometimes I like to suggest that a poster change their username or their thread title to better reflect a new, more-confident self. Merriam-Webster defines a chrysalis as:
So sorry about the way you're feeling. I also find myself daydreaming about reconciliation. Hope your appointment goes well with the IC. Hang in there! And I agree with Starsky, you've definitely grown. This is all so tough though, I know.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
Ss, I, too, hear you about the denial. I still think sometimes, "if only he would talk to mwd, this would all change! " It's a security blanket for me sometimes.
But you have grown so much and you are such a rock star mom. I think you are definitely emerging from the cocoon! Cheers to that.
Starsky, it's GREAT to see you in my thread, a very welcome addition!!
You guys see change and growth in me that I don't see. "Grown so much"? Really? I certainly don't feel like the butterfly I'd hope to be by now or through this experience.
Still so far to go and I'm weary.
Had a good session with IC. Basically talked about my denial and that I still have this little glimmer of hope despite 18 years of lacking passion, severe resentment, pain, escorts, oppressive negativity. I'm no Pollyanna but man, I seem to be in this case. She basically said that the work required to rebuild this marriage into something it never was before would take incredible work on both our parts and that it's so far gone, stbx sees it as easier to just close the book. I don't think she said that as a way to get me to stop trying, it's just her professional opinion. She's been doing this for 30 years, is very pro marriage and has seen some marriages turn around from the depths of divorce.
I need to wave the white flag and just tell stbx that divorce is fine. Fine. It started with a HUGE "YES" and is ending with a "fine". I guess it's better than an, "EFF YOU", right? There's the Pollyanna again.
I need to wave the white flag and just tell stbx that divorce is fine. Fine.
SS, when you realize that you don't want your old M back, it does make it a little easier to wave that white flag. I'm with you. My M was good, but it wasn't great. I would have stayed in it forever. BUT now H has gone off and ruined that. So......the amount of work it would take to get back to good would be tremendous, the amount of work to get to great is probably impossible.
^^^^ when I realize that this is how I feel; that this is my reality... I get so sad. I know that sadness will pass, and maybe I'll meet another (better) partner...but it still makes me so sad to let go.
SS, I dont think there is anything wrong with having hope. As long as it doesnt keep you stuck.
I have seen marriages restored and better than they were before. I also think some marriages arent meant to be saved.
To me, the goal of dbing is this. That we get good and strong and become who we were meant to be. So that when we decide whether we will continue to stand for our marriage, we do it from a place of strength and not fear.
No one..not your therapist, not me, or anyone else can tell you what will happen in the future.
What I can tell you is this. Worrying will have no effect on the outcome. But moving forward, making changes and letting go..can.
I believe the best chance anyone has of this turning around is when we allow them to walk their journey.
Your h is unhappy. He has decided it was you that made him so. But if you are no longer there to be the blame, then he may look within and figure himself out.
The holding on by us stops the forward motion in them.
If you decide that you want to continue to stand, you will have to let him see something different, over time. He has to see the changes are real. He has to see that it would be different if he wants back in.
But I dont care about him. I care about you. You have grown a great deal, S. You have looked within. You have learned new ways of reacting to him. You are figuring out who you need in your life. You are learning your worth. Dont sell yourself short, sweetie. That doesnt serve you well.
You just keep going, S. I'll be over here cheering you on.
We have all learned a great deal Ss - some slower than others (I mean me there) - and discovered a wonderful things about ourselves that we never knew we had or maybe even wished we didn't have.
We are all cheering you on. There is light at the end of the tunnel ... and maybe a different flavour of cheese.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Ss, long time no talk. Just letting you know that you and others have been on my mind even as I haven't been posting much! Rooting for you as always and I look forward to better and better days for you and D7
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
