Part 12 - Contents may vary

[jim0987]

Morning Edz,

that childhood doesnt sound like it was the most fun but its good you've got an understanding of how it affected your relationship with S.

How is mr fixit doing with his sticklebricks? I get the sense that he might be a bit restless at the moment.

[edz]

Hi Jim

yes he's been a bit of a pain last few days (mr fixit not s) he's off with Ggs ms I can fix that for you I think at the moment

No it wasnt the best, in some ways I remember good times (mostly when mum was well), flipside was I was massively independent, self reliant and was (in retrospect) running a household at 9 so nothing domestic really bothers me (I'd make someone a really good househusband - any millionaresses around?)

That was (and to a much lesser degree now I understand it) is why I get confused at s and his not wanting to be more independent and pursue activities. I think w does baby him too much, I think she may be starting to see that too and we had a call yesterday that touched upon the fact that at his height and age we have 3 years or so, then he can get on his bike or a bus or walk to friends or wherever he wants and what I say or she says about his schedule isnt going to mean too much unless he respects it!

Emailed w this morning to ask about weekend and see if she wanted to head out with s and I bowling etc, got a reply politely declining as she wants to finish up sorting decorating s's room. Oh, and asking can I pay her initial council tax as she hasnt had her assessment through yet.

Was torn and I did consider saying no to this, w has spent out on rugs and soft furnishings when I've held back and only focussed on spending in s's room really. Right now though she's going through a lot, she has effectively lost her job etc having said that almost all of this is due to her decisions.

Went back and wanted her to understand impacts without being awkward.

Simply said no worries on saturday and she indeed should get on with what she needs to do. Pointed out Im hurting for money at the moment but I don't want to see her get dragged to court, s and I will do something less costly than bowling and going out to lunch, so pay the initial payment from the joint account. Said that we should get together and discuss finances soon as we should move off the joint account, that im not pushing anything but I'd like to know what her plans are with her cc payment, house insurance and tv which she bought on our cc. Said I am in no way pushing but we should address these, Im not trying to push into her space or push her for decisions and indeed im making my own right now and dont want to crowd her.

Finished by saying I'll be there about 9:30ish saturday and best not to mention bowling to s in case we dont go but we'll have fun anyway

More I see the more I feel w is not coping well. She's always done the same in taking on too many things but previously she would then pass off the overspill to me and I would quietly (well maybe with a grumble) get on with it. In this case she's not getting support. Her M&D are as always unreliable, they will help when its convenient but have now switched to being focussed on their house sale and looking where they want to rent further north, w's flat is not a priority except to use the garage. Indeed the fridge is still in the middle of the kitchen after 4 weeks. W will not tackle them on this of course and unless it impacts s I'm simply not getting involved in it.

Well, I'll help with CT as its the right thing to do but I get the impression w would rather have everything collapse around her ears and point to me rather than make any move to r - at least at the moment.

Hey ho, cant all be good news I suppose

[Ggrass]

It's a women thang, I wouldn't ask at times when I knew others were under pressure.

But then my needs went further down the list and down and down. So it meant like the fridge things didn't happen for weeks.

If you read the dance of anger, they have dozens of name nasty one that describe an a very woman and none for men!

If as a woman you nagg or remind anyone they call you a nagging woman. Smae as taking on too much. Feminism say we women can have it all, we deserve it.

Home work children happy home.
Hell my own mum raised 3 kids grew all our veg, sewed our clothes worked but never attended a single school function. Dad cheated all the time worked In Fits and starts earnt good money when working but I between nothing.

It's tough some times to find a balance as a woman. When my s17 didn't get his way he called me selfish and neglectful. H words regurgitated. He thinks threats and abuse is the way to go, both h and then by expample s17.

[edz]

Hi Gg (firstly shouldnt you be asleep isnt it after 11 )

Yes I've always said to w you dont have to agree to everything no one can do it all and neither should you need to, she just seemed to hate saying no to anyone (bar me).

W always said she didnt feel she needed to pretend or placate me which was nice to know but mostly just meant I got pushed to the bottom of the pile unfortunately.

You can probably tell from my posts Im not a fan of misogyny, my view was always share responsibilities unfortunately with our issues w felt i pushed everything s related to her and she was probably right but overlooked the root cause of it all - our communications had stopped.

I must admit Im torn at the moment, if I do too much, get too involved then im (a) friend zoning myself which I had said I wouldnt do and was a boundry and (b) Im taking impacts of her decisions away but I know shes having issues with that balance right now and I dont want her to think I simply dont give a d@mn or just making everything ok for myself as thats the furthest from the truth its possible to get.

Unfortunately she simply wont sit down and talk about it all, in august she said we'll talk finances, apart from blowing up at me when I got rid of what I thought were dead direct debits she's not tackled any of it with me. She said she'd give me payments for her tv in dec,jan and feb...erm, nothing. I refactored most of the debt so I can handle it (w only took her credit card bills).

Ultimately I want to help and will of course do so for anything relating to s but its not an easy balance and while Im practicing detatchment for my own sake, I worry she is storing up trouble for herself right now and what that means in relation to s.

Confusing times

[Ggrass]

Winds clock back, it's not!

Procrastination In full swing. I needed to wait for hot water to heat. It was cold. I need a tub. I have gal coffee with a mate tomorrow and I cannot stink her out.

[edz]

Ah ok you get a pass for being a thoughtful coffee companion (but dont fall asleep in the tub )

[jim0987]

Edz, I've liked reading your situation and updates for a bunch of reasons as i've said a few times. the main one being the growth in you that is really really obvious. your doing a great job particularly with your S.

although its very different your post a couple up is one of your best to my mind and for a whole bunch more reasons but it has engaged my mr fixit. Hopefully you dont mind me giving him a little bit of exercise.

she just seemed to hate saying no to anyone (bar me).

So you talk about how she could say no only to you. what is great here is that to my mind (and others may think im delusional) but this shows she really loved you, enough to feel comfortable and that she could be herself around you. You were one less thing to worry about in an ocean of worry. How you reacted is probably where some of the problems lie - you felt that she pushed you to the bottom of the pile - rather than saw it as being you being supportive.

how would you deal with this differently in future relationships?

Im not a fan of misogyny, my view was always share responsibilities unfortunately with our issues w felt i pushed everything s related to her

Yes definitely seen that in your posts. edz you come accross as a proper gentleman (the 'thing' is a great example). and i'll admit feeling a little worse about myself in comparison.

communication was part of it (a massive part) but generally i would say that poor communication was the warfare rather than the conflict. is there any chance that you resented anything that seemed higher in the pile than you?

And did you push it to wife or did you just leave it there for her to do?

(a) friend zoning myself which I had said I wouldnt do and was a boundry

So what is your boundary? Is it you dont want to be friends with your wife? or is it you dont want to be friends if she was dating someone else? and what do you see as the friend zone?

women (generalising) work on emotional connection to build attraction. she will need to feel safe and connected to you. my wife and I were friends for well over a year before we got together.

In the absence of OM, how would you see the relationship without growing without being friends?

I have no idea, genuinely. some people advocate no contact as a way to make them miss you but there seems to be warmth and care between you and so I think you need someone wiser and more experienced than I to weigh in.

(b) Im taking impacts of her decisions away

this is something you need to figure out and is probably worth exploring some more because she is leaning on you and financially more than she should. Its up to you if you are ok with that, but i'm not convinced you are.

in your response to my earlier post you said a few times about how your not pushing on a couple of these issues and to be honest i would say (and it might be me misreading tone) that the edz doth protest too much....

it might be time in the near future to figure out a strategy on this one.



I hope you dont mind me commenting/questioning like this but i thought what you said was really interesting

Confusing times

yep!

[edz]

No worries Jim, no point in being open if you dont invite questioning and criticism to allow an external view on your actions!

So lets take a looksee

How you reacted is probably where some of the problems lie - you felt that she pushed you to the bottom of the pile - rather than saw it as being you being supportive. how would you deal with this differently in future relationships?

Yes, you're right and I took it as such the problem was w then took that to mean I required no attention. Nothing physical, no touching no conversation in the evening or time alone with her. I'm very low maintenance but I do require some time and affection especially from someone so important. Different? In this m or a new r I wouldnt allow myself to not comment. I'd pushed my own concerns and upset over not being thought of way down inside instead of saying wife I need to talk about this.

And did you push it to wife or did you just leave it there for her to do?

This was the spiral we got into that caused diviion between us and also caused the relationship problems with s. I got hung up on work and I got hung up on feeling unwanted and so threw myself into work and isolating myself from the world. W took on all responsibilities for s partly because she wanted to and partly because I wasnt there as I was working or involved in something else. I own that one and its what I've been reversing since August. Work is important but I let it get too important and ended up with money worries and on my own, not a mistake I'll make again.

So what is your boundary? Is it you dont want to be friends with your wife? or is it you dont want to be friends if she was dating someone else? and what do you see as the friend zone?

Yes, that may not be too clear from my postings. My one and only boundry is if we divorce I cant continue the friendship the way it is. I simply wouldnt move on, I'd be an onlooker while she did and if she found someone I'd stand by and watch and get emotionally crushed. Am I saying I'm done? No, simply that I'd need more emotional distance. Right now w comes and goes, one minute she's very distant then next she's eating in the kitchen and sitting on the sofa with me. I'd need some stability and a little more distant. Thats the only real boundry and not that I would want nothing to do with her but that I couldn't be like this.

Right now I try to mirror her contact with a few white doves thrown in. If she doesnt contact me I'll ping her an email saying about weekend activities or confirming time with s and occasionally asking if she wants to join. She can choose to ignore the extra bits and I'll respect that but we do back and forth more from time to time.

W is the queen of passive aggressive though (I dont claim to be an angel on this but Im a lot better since I had counselling) if she gets an email or I say something she doesnt like she withdraws, I'm not sure if thats to make me chase her or if she just feels she needs to reassert control but I dont make the mistake of pushing at that point anymore. Next time I contact her will be because I'm asking something or letting her know something, not to say "are you ok?".

it might be time in the near future to figure out a strategy on this one.

I have to a certain extent and yes I do protest too much. In the next couple of months if things go as I hope they will it should be a different picture. I'll have my wages and bills on a separate account, the joint one will revert to hers and things will be a lot simpler.

We shall see I suppose

[edz]

Uh Oh

W just posted on FB that she is giving FB a rest for a while but is still contactable. Could be Valentines Day Blues but pinged her a quick personal email asking anything up I can help with (and yes, I see the irony after just saying I dont email are you ok messages this was a public posting though saying she's giving it a rest, she lurrrrves facebook so not sure whats happened..)

Oh dear whats broken now?

[edz]

Ok now I know she read it (read receipt) over an hour ago. Whatevers up she doesnt want to talk. I've sent a text saying ok, im not going to spam her and i respect her space, call if she wants to talk but I wont contact her again until Saturday morning otherwise, be safe.

Not sure whats up but something's got to her. Well Im here if she needs me, cant do much else without pursuing / stalking her.