s for your h, I would put him on the back burner for now and start taking care of you.
it describes exactly what (alllllll my ramblings) could have in a few words. i swear- like yesterday - i got enough sleep- i'm sitting here in my fav plumpie rocking chair- feet up - by window looking at snow (a treat after years in fla). it's chillie but it's cozy & tree looks nice (even tho one darn string of lites pooped out his a.m.) and so very very nice & peaceful.
not one "life or death" situation on the horizon. some doozies that effect people i love - but not fatal.
i am sewing a little pleasurable project - ornamental only- not even a "mending pile" thing. i have a lovely cookie i just rooted up and i feel very okay.
i'll take it. i didn't say all that "junk" in my head for pity purposes- it's just i am aware of my own "junk' that's been bubbling around inside. it's not making me nuts or on my thoughts obsessivly, - but it's things "to be dealt with" that i shoved aside for years and just know it. in a background of life kind of way.
whatever else h is - loosely i view him as "protection" (from life?) for a bit? . don't ask me- i do not know what and why. i was mulling it around in brain last nite for a minute or two- WHAT it was i had from him at moment that made me not able to see leaving- it's that word that kept popping to mind. two of my sisters are in very bad financial difficulties - it's hard to know about and not feel lucky tojust have a roof over head, heat, food, etc. and be reasonably sure they will still be tehre tomorrow.
i just feel like i need some time off - everyone has soo much troubles in life - nobody seems to escape them
i was saying to gal next door last nite (her mom was in wheelchair last 6 yrs or so- seriously disabled from stroke, she'd come and go from pa and had caregivers here- nightmare for years (dad & brother died in last few yrs as well, she db'd herself for bunch of years, h is alcoholic but she's stayin put ) (we do "group therapy & wine") and I got saying to her: that maybe the problems her nephew was having that were worrying her were something like - he's always had to be "strong" for his ailing mom, and her and her mother - and maybe he just was trying to convey - "HEY - WHAT ABOUT ME" it may be the "sick" people that get alllll the attention & care- but i need it tooooooo.....
and got saying to myself and to her also- hey, maybe it's something like that with us too. she's having terrible time letting go of her mom's house- putting for sale and me too somewhat. it really is the la st "physical evidence" of our lives. memories and pictures are good - that symbol- home is a big big one- as you probably know.
I avoid the phone or people because i do think it'snice tolend an ear or a shoulder- but i do not have any answers for anhy of us and i get tired of being strong sometimes. i want to be invisible sometimes - regroup.
so- you have described EXACTLY what i'm feeling and where i think i am. i just all of a sudden find myself sooooooo "on cruise" i don't even know what to think, but am going with it.
thanks for note- it's always good to hear. the pulling the plug thing- i am only sorry massivly - that i left her at the hospital the night we took her there. she was aware & was signaling to me with her finger saying bye when i left - . i'm soooo dopey- my mother was totally wrecked and couldn't drive self home- and i didn't even think of calling a cab and sending her home - or going back myself.
that i do regret- (even knowing regrets are useless) there was no reason at all that i would suspect that i'd never see her awake again because the stinking hospital would intubate her and (inside- in my heart) damage her internally and render her comatose) no kidding- i'm not nuttie - but it is hard to let go of that notion that i should have been there to watch over her and "protect" her (i do know hospitals) yet i wasn't. we were so tired and wrecked - but it didn't occur to me i'd never talk to her again - - - and they had already put her on life support when they called at 4 am to ask permission (an orderly told me next day). it was the usual institutional fiasco- maybe or maybe not. will never know that one really.
but enough of that - i don't usually allow myself to go back there- i haven't really said this to anyone - it;s there tho. well, that and really "failing" her with her divorce. i never ever KNEW , as i surely do now - how it destroys you. she had a breakdown- mom "saved" her, etc.
usual baggage i'm sure everyone has - decisions for others. me, i'm tough and can take it i think, what i decide, if i cause myuself extra dificulty, etc. it's the thing of deciding for someone else that is the giant question-mark & burden.
i'm glad i cared for mom- all those decisions take their toll once it's allover and the adrenalin isn't coursing thru you 24-7 - - - - and of course- my stupid sisters allll being "unavailable" every single time- eveery disaster almost - not reachable. (i know- i'm letting go of resentment and anger because i have no energy to feel it anymore) good thing huh? - oh well
i am learning patience in life til i'm insane with it. every time my sister that had vendetta w/mom brags her head off about how much "she and i " have had to endure and do for mom(wtf???) and i don't knock her out- i am a better woman.
ho hum- i think i will go do something i want to rite now- something pleasant & pretty and just let the day flow by without acknowledging "chores".
if this guy is allowing me this time and $$ and easy pleasant life (lifestyle) i cannot bring self to say no. i do not care what the heck he is doing today and where - tho i do feel better when i've chatted with him. even if it's a giant "security blanket" i'll take it.
just don't care but glad of it and feeling nicely cozy...
xxoo love ya man- you may well be rite about the decision being medically sound. we just do our best at the moment don't we- with what (me, five drs told me) we are told - and what we know of the patient - and that is that. Its the emotions leftover from the panic nature of the crises that would make one doubt or re-visit it. I hate making decisions in haste - have gotten okay in life telling myself they were best decision i could make at the time) i've done well so far keeping it away and knowing i made best decision i could. but, the not staying- it was a bad bad misstep. oh well huh... like, why should i be super human? ya gotta wonder???
and you are rite- her life may not have gotten better. she was a "brooder" and the things that happened in her life just knocked the stuffing out of her- one by one. she was not "up to the fight" somepeople aren't. it makes me be extra sure to not pile too much on myself when there is any possible "out" around. i mean, who am i to thinjk there couldn't be a combination of events that would drive me to drink? no one special - just like anyone else out there alive. i think anyone that says it's unthinkable hasn't witnessed it & might be fool hearty. but everyone has their limit. i do look out for self in that regard - but you know me- pollyanna that i am- always thinking that "in the end" things come around. maybe crazy- terminal optimism or hope - who knows???
okay, thanks again- i'm outta here. this "strong " one is tired - today i'm the invisible guy.
My friend, I so understand those feelings of guilt and regret. Things we wished we had done or done differently. I have come to believe that we do the best we can at the time. Looking back, there are always things we see that we wish we had done better.
As you know, I was/am the caretaker in my family. It is not a job I wanted or asked for, but, its what I got. I was responsible for a whole lot, including the care and eventually, the plans and all that comes with it, with the death of my mom, dad and my xFIL. No one else stepped up, so I did. It sometimes used to bother me. I have siblings. They could have helped. But that was their choice as doing the right thing was mine.
I know you feel terrible guilt regarding your sister. I also know that you did what you thought was the right thing in that moment. That's really the best you can do.
It is important that you work towards forgiving yourself. And it is just as important that you mourn your sister's death properly. Necessary in order to move forward.
As far as your sitch, as I have told you before, I believe when you decide you cant live with it any longer that you will make a decision.
Having said that, I do want to say this. Not making a decision is one of sorts. And it is ok sometimes. My worry for you has always been that you dont think you deserve more than what you have. And you so do, Nero.
I understand the financial aspect. You know my story. I was and still am in very bad financial shape. But I remember the day when I had to stand for me. I had to knowingly put myself in a position where I was going to lose everything by filing, in order not to lose me.....because I mattered. I was no longer willing to allow what he was doing to control my life.
I feel sometimes as if your fear of financial struggle is so great that you are willing to lose some of you so as not to feel it.
At some point, though, the cost will be too high, my friend.
I have great hope that you will know when that is.
I know it is scary to think of something else and doing something different.
I also know how worthy you are. I know, without a single doubt, that you would be ok with another choice.
I respect your right to make the decision that is best for you at this time.
As long as that decision is from a place of strength and not fear.
I have seen many changes in you. We all get to where we need to be in our own time.
I think you need to take a deep breath and work through all that has happened in the last year. I think you need to mourn your sister and your mother.
I also think you should embrace who you are, Nero, because you are an amazing soul. There isnt anything wrong with being positive and looking for the good in people. Those are wonderful qualities.
Celebrate you. Remember your worth. Find stuff that fills you up and know that you will be more than ok with whatever decisions you make...just because of who you are.
At some point, though, the cost will be too high, my friend.
I have great hope that you will know when that is.
i hope so too. I think i will. maybe that time is when we are called upon to give up something tooooo important to us to have what we do - then we chuck it. did that make sense? at this very moment- he is asking me to give up nothing at all. he is only providing me with my home & sustenance. more than i could provide self. if i should be more suspicious - i can't think what could possibly go wrong that hasn't now. value of getting to bottom??? it's all uphill from here?
I've felt that the threat of my entire life being "taken away" has been going on sooooo long- it doesn't hold the same fear. i can enjoyu this day without one thought about what may come tomorrow. I will cope with it. foolish or not - it's true. I can even value today more because of thinking it all could be gone tomorrow - savour "the end". whatever it is i've got, this minute i'm okay.
with mom gone & allll that worry & responsibility. and h somewhat stablized and not so critical and picking - i do feel alot more normal on a daily basis. i feel alot more free and like old self- i'm not asking any questions rite now- i'm just enjoying this sudden feeling of "normalcy".
if he wants to have his life as it is - which i have no power to change anyway - and is providing me this (today) happy little life - i'll take it.
that's as far as my brain can get. i know what you are saying bout the whole "deserve" thing. i know what i don't deserve when it happens. as far as what we all "deserve" in life in general- i'm not so sure. we all want everything wonderful- we all sure don't get it.
i hope we all deserve to feel happy. i am not sure- some people really aren't - ever. it's all too complicated.
i am a happy girl today - and it's been so rare last bunch of years to feel this- i am going to go savour it and take a walk & get a fresh bagel & enjoy this day. ta da my needs are small.
xxoo man- you may be the only person in the universe that has faith in me . it's nice & thanks.
Hey Hi Nero, I know you're probably down in FL with your H and may not see this in time, but wanted to wish you a very very happy birthday. You had a hell of a year girl, I hope this is a much better one for you.
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Happy Birthday! I do hope that you are having some peaceful moments while in FL. Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.