Card29 X - Let It Be

[Card29]

I totally agree, Ss. uR is on the money every time. The good news is that I at least had a feeling I'd crossed the line, and I don't think I crossed it too drastically. I didn't beg or plead like I would have before.

[uRworthy]

Thanks guys. So, Freddy...you said the words, she heard them. No need to say them again, right?

Yea, you have come a long way, sweetie.

Keep going.

[Card29]

I have come a long way, you're right, especially from a detachment, DB and NMMNG standpoint.

Struggling with some self-confidence issues lately, though. In my mind, I know I had/have things to work on, but the primary reason she left is within herself. Still, I'm going back through a phase of dealing with the fact that she found me unworthy. But yes, I know, "uR" worthy, or "iMworthy"!. I know that. But I don't feel that at the moment. I also believe that this feeling will pass. In the meantime, what should my focus be? What can I do to break this cycle? I've kind of felt like this for 2-3 weeks, off and on. Is this just the high of sis's friend wearing off?

The rest of this I'm just getting off of my chest. I know it's because she's lost, for the same reason she's doing drugs now:

Lately it has stung that she casually started dating some OM2 for 2-3 weeks AFTER her tearful, remorseful phone call to me. "I'm an adulterer" "I'm so sorry I did this" "I hate myself and my life" ... fast forward 1 week.... "OM2 sounds like a good plan". wth, you know?

Also, she gave me a conflicting timeline. On the phone call in December, she said OM2 broke up with her 2 weeks prior, which would have put their breakup right on or before the day of our house closing. If you go back and read my threads, she was so unbelievably horrible that day. She treated me and our realtor like crap, she was hollow and cold at the closing. It was maybe the worst mood I've ever seen her in, and I've seen her in some really bad moods. It made sense. But the other day at her apt, she said he broke up with her in November....? I'm assuming she's lying about it being in Nov. She probably has the break-up date burned into her memory just like my BD date, so there's no way she accidentally got the dates mixed up. But why lie about it?

Okay, it's off my chest now, I guess. I've wrote these questions out in texts to her and then deleted them, as they obviously weren't going to lead anywhere good.

[uRworthy]

Hey Freddy. Your feelings are normal. I mean, who wouldnt feel badly that their spouse had an affair? Its a succky thing, right?

When all of this went down for me, man, did I feel unworthy. I felt small and insignificant. I felt a lot of other bad stuff, too.

So, I had to look within. I had to take the rose colored glasses off and roll up my sleeves.

I realized a few things that helped me grow back. There was nothing that I did or didnt do in my marriage that warrented what he did. Whatever I did or didnt do was not with the intent to cause harm to him or the relationship. That mattered to me.

You dont go from a loving marriage, albeit with issues as all of them have, to cheating on your spouse.The issues werent insurmountable. Not at all. So, if I put all of that together, I understood that it wasnt really about me.

It was about him. His unresolved stuff. His feelings of being less than.

Because the truth of it was that I was a good wife. I loved him. I had his back. I was honest and loyal and caring.

It wasnt a lacking in my that this happened, but, a lacking in him.

Your wife is broken, Freddy. You can see that, I know. You dont act as she did and as she if you arent.

But this journey we take isnt linear. It ebbs and flows. It goes up and down and around and back again.

The goal is to find your worth. That doesnt come from her. It comes from inside of you.

My mother and my xh told me and showed me that they thought I wasnt good enough. I found out they were wrong.

I did that by getting different mirrors. I watched how people reacted to me. How they were around me.

I became the person I was supposed to be. So that I knew I was worthy because of that.

That was the goal each day. Some days I made it. Some I didnt. But I strived to be that person until I was.

She doesnt get to determine your worth. She just doesnt.

She is a mess and is trying to figure out how to feel better. She is making poor choices in doing that.

Even though her actions are very hurtful, they arent reflective of who you are. They are reflective of who she is right now.

So, feel what you do and then find a way to let it go. Otherwise it weighs you down.

I know its hard to think about it all. Im sorry it is.

I also know that you will get back on your path.

This is a journey you were meant to go on.

[Card29]

I'm going to let those words sink in as I got to bed tonight and respond tomorrow. Thank you, uR

[Card29]

Well I didn't respond yesterday, but ive been thinking about it since Friday. I don't have a profound response. I just want to say that I appreciate the words and advice. WAW really hasn't had a lot of bad things to say about me, but to me, actions speak louder than words, so her behavior has resonated, even with these late reverberations. I'll be okay, though. I'm starting to make some really good friends at work. Not sure I really, really fit with some of them, but for now it's great.

I just had a weird conversation with my mom. She's basically trying to convince me not to move out. She says she's questioning the move for the interests of me and D2 (money, stability), but I think it's really because she loves D2 being here so much. I don't blame her. But I'm moving. I'm not going far, and I'll still come by here. Yeah, of course money is always better when you're living in your parent's basement, but there's a reason (or many of them) most adults don't do that. And financially, this is the best deal I could hope for...great apartment, great location, 1/2 the cost because my friends who live there are out of the country for the year. And as far as stability for D2, a move is inevitable. I'm not living here forever. Yes, I'll need to move again in the fall when my friends return. But an extra apartment move is not going to really hurt D2.

I validated her concerns, and I told her that I know she's going to miss seeing D2 so much. But I told her that I'm going forward with it.

[TenBook]

Card, I'm no expert at the behaviors of WAW, but either you accept a very long view (years...) that she may change while putting you through a roller coaster, or you leave.

I could not imagine in my own sitch waiting 2 years for my wife to come back to me. Yes, I'm that selfish.

[Card29]

I'm not waiting any longer. She says she's going to file and I'm okay with that. I'm okay giving her a little bit more time to do it before I start asking her when she's going to do it. I'm thinking if she hasn't filed by April, I will ask her what she's doing.

[Card29]

Okay so WAW just texted me trying to tell me a funny story about her new dating life. I told her I was not interested in hearing her dating stories. She seemed put off by that. She told me the story anyway (some guy from her work stood her up). She said, "That's interesting, right?" and I said, "It is but I'm not interested in hearing your dating stories" (the 2nd time I'd said that). We ended the convo soon after.

Obviously she thought I was cool hearing about that stuff now. At least we cleared that up.

[Card29]

I kept uR in my ear, though...not one mention of "I'm still willing to work on it someday" even though I felt a tendency to do so.