That's what I want to do, like everyone says, detach, let her want to snoop, want to see what she can find out, let her spend more energy facilitating answers to where I am, who I'm with, what I've been doing. God, going outs going to cost me a fortune 8)
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
I agree. Its been 9 days, and from the phone records its been a total conversation between them for maybe 17 days. She's (to me) obviously torn, (this one or that one)in her head, or she'd be gone, not just emotionally, but physically.. and she wouldn't have reacted at ALL the way she did the very first time I was gone for only two hours, just two days ago if her EA was as solid as I thought it was. GAL my ass off, go out, wherever and whenever I want, no "I'm going here or there" just gone. Let her stew, her worry about what's going on. Is he with someone, he left his phone, so I can't call. Buy new clothes and wear them when I go out. Wear cologne. Let her see me genuinely happy when I leave and come back. Spend time with the kids, and let her see I'm an awesome dad...I'm going for #1 before #2 approach. And I am going to get my marriage back.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Ah, just read the Robx, had an epiphany. I'm still THERE when I sit her down. I'm still THERE after the Talkings done. AND, though in the same house I'm "gone"! Free.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Just scared. The changes in my life (the GAL) is so different for me than the norm. All the things I'll be doing will be things I've wanted to do with my wife. Though necessary for the survival of my marriage. Doing what needs to be done for me, is on some level or other going to end up hurting my wife. Let me ask you something. When you were at home, not out GAL'ing to save yours, how did you do it? How did you cope with the mere sight of her and the flood of emotion you must have undoubtedly felt, and appear content. How did you sit in the same room and not crumble?
I avoided her. Tried to minimize my time in the house when I knew she would be there (while still making sure my kids were taken care of), and then when we DID have to both be there, trying to be in separate rooms as much as possible (without making such a big deal out of it so as to make the kids uncomfortable).
Cuz when I had to interact with her, it would usually send me spinning.
Roger that. My being isolated in the basement prior to this all happening, bothered her a lot. Last night, when I spewed, she mentioned she thought I had been being cold to her lately. That's why I ask so much about 'how' I should be. I remember reading about the 180's..so I thought a 180 for me would be to do the exact opposite, so as not to continue the behavior she hated so much. I didn't/don't want to be seen as "not changing" that behavior by continuing to do it. But, I suppose, the more I'm around her physically, the less she can miss me, the less effective my now imminent detachment will affect her, and, let's face it...in the grand scheme of things, its the detachment, and wondering of where the hell I am and who the hell I may be with, that will turn this cart around.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Your right my man, this is going to be tough. My mom was a shrink. She figures my wife has no idea what she's doing, didn't expect any of this to happen when she reached out to him the first time (this time). She figures my wife isn't gone, because she never intended to leave, but is stuck somewhere in her head. She swims in the fantasy, but knows there's a reality, hence, if I'm out, she's upset. Mom believes it may not take too long for the emotional attachment between them to end..she figures my wife will continue to talk about the things going on at home, downgrade me, our marriage only for so long, until he gets tired of hearing it. Told my mom about all of you here online, supporting those of us needing a life-vest now. She told me how you're all very smart, told me to shut up and do what I'm told. She believes that my wife absolutely has feelings for me, even if I can't see them. If she didn't, shed already be out the door. Ma said that once I start this detachment process, to expect anger from my wife first, as a precursor to fear, ifshefeepoinrmmm drifting away. She also told me to keep focused, as at this point my wife may crash if she thinks I'm finished, and be ready to pick up the pieces and be there for her.
"Sometimes, if ones' words are not better than silence, once should be silent."
Your right my man, this is going to be tough. My mom was a shrink. She figures my wife has no idea what she's doing, didn't expect any of this to happen when she reached out to him the first time (this time). She figures my wife isn't gone, because she never intended to leave, but is stuck somewhere in her head. She swims in the fantasy, but knows there's a reality, hence, if I'm out, she's upset. Mom believes it may not take too long for the emotional attachment between them to end..she figures my wife will continue to talk about the things going on at home, downgrade me, our marriage only for so long, until he gets tired of hearing it. Told my mom about all of you here online, supporting those of us needing a life-vest now. She told me how you're all very smart, told me to shut up and do what I'm told. She believes that my wife absolutely has feelings for me, even if I can't see them. If she didn't, shed already be out the door. Ma said that once I start this detachment process, to expect anger from my wife first, as a precursor to fear, ifshefeepoinrmmm drifting away. She also told me to keep focused, as at this point my wife may crash if she thinks I'm finished, and be ready to pick up the pieces and be there for her.
Her feelings on you may restore if the feelings for the "OM" flip. However most of us who have gone through the scenario understand it may take even more than one near death experience to awaken a WAS to who they were before, a lot of time they have new friends and support structures in these affairs, and they will not cast them out.
The good advice here, is to be detached. And you know that means not worrying about what she is doing, it should have no affect on you. Your buddy decided to party with your enemies for a while, and thinks he's having the time of his life. That's how it is.
Also over time, their attachement to the affair partner grows stronger. If you have shown an unusual amount of integrity over the process, over time they will remember that. But it would take years of them moving on into a BS situation, realizing their ex had so much integrity and care for them and no one else really would... They will have feelings then.
Be strong. We all have been through the scenario and some of us more than once.
I avoided her. Tried to minimize my time in the house when I knew she would be there (while still making sure my kids were taken care of), and then when we DID have to both be there, trying to be in separate rooms as much as possible (without making such a big deal out of it so as to make the kids uncomfortable).
Cuz when I had to interact with her, it would usually send me spinning.
The interaction with the WAS would weaken or anger you. And you knew the interactions were a LIE, because as long as she had OM it was a LIE. I agree it is best to minimize communication with a WAS active in an affair.
If your name is on the lease or your splitting payment you can either have them move out, you move out and stop paying your part. Have her support herself fully or OM to help out.
