Just realised wife of 12 years is having a MLC

[Detrmnd]

Also toots what's AP? Affair partner?

[Sotto]

Good luck Sad - yes AP is affair partner.

[Detrmnd]

Ok So....

She turned up an hour late is determined to not engage in any conversation it seems. She has given one word responses to standard questions, then came and took her work things and went and sat at the kitchen table. Changed the radio to her favourite station and closed the door.

I assume this is some sort of "battle of the wills" and that she expects me to break down, or come to her for a R conversation? Obviously we have not therefore discussed if she is moving back in, or what we are telling the kids, indeed if we are saying anything. Or has she decided she has to move back in but we will live totally separate lives and she will attempt to ignore me. I can sense her anger and hatred towards me.

Really not sure what to do??!

[Detrmnd]

Hi all,

Sorry to be off for a bit, I implemented a load of 180s and thought I had fixed everything! Lol what a fool I was! Wife denied it was an emotional affair and said it was purely physical and she was having an affair with herself.

Well today she went upstairs when I was in the house and I looked at her phone, I know I shouldnt have but I couldn't resist... So there are a litany of calls with the OP and then I read their messages... I only briefly looked as when I got to one from last night that said "I've never felt like this for anyone else" I just hit the floor... There were other things said "trust me I know what I'm doing" and him declaring unrequited love for her.

So is it time for last resort?

[Detrmnd]

Also am I correct to not respond or confront? I mean I know she is lying to me, it seems she is lying to herself about this as well but right now I find it almost impossible to judge. I am moving forwards with dealing with my own issues and start therapy on the 19th, at the moment it feels like she thinks she is being nice and trying to let me down slowly. We went out a couple of times last week for non-emotional dates and spent time together. They were to new places and new things, she seemed to really enjoy.

At the moment I am so devastated knowing she is having this affair, and it just hurts so much. It seems unbelievable that after all of the conversations of the last ten days she is lying to me about an affair of which I know about every meeting. So why is she lying to me about the emotional element? Why not say it's over, I'm in love with someone else and he loves me. Is she just scared I'll kick her out site the affair and keep the kids? Or is it a sign that deep down somewhere she has hope? I have no ideas and just feel totally lost...

Please all help gratefully received.

[MrBond]

when was the last time you slept with someone else?

[Detrmnd]

Together 2.5 months ago, I have never slept with someone else on my own.

[MrBond]

Irregardless of whether or not you were alone or not, you (at least physically) cheated on your W. And before you go on about how we don't understand the lifestyle, etc., we've had numerous people in poly or swinger type relationships so we do get it.

The thing is that even though you say you had "boundaries" put in place, because you are exposing yourself to other people, those boundaries don't exist. You can't "order" a person not to have feelings towards someone else, especially if they are receiving pleasure on an emotional level from that person.

Can you detail the rest of your marital history? How long you have been swingers, etc. And if your kids know, if your W is now exclusive to this OM, etc.

[Detrmnd]

Together 13 years swinging for 5, kids don't know and it is rare, perhaps once every 3 months? It seems the wife is exclusive to this OM physically though I think still chatting/flirting with other guys, but tbh I don't know.

She met the OM with out telling me till after and spent 3 weekends with him, She may have spent last Saturday with him I honestly don't know. I have stated that as far as I am concerned she is having an affair and she has said she is just enjoying the freedom and has no feelings towards him other than freedom, having fun and new experiences, she is insisting on concerts, trips away and 5 star hotels all the way. I doubt she has told him about her having 3 kids but perhaps she has. He is 25 and a physical specimen borderline fitness model.

[MrBond]

So what made the two of you start swinging? How long were you planning to do it? Were you going to tell your children that the lifestyle is okay?

Again, you are focussing too much on the A. What is your marital history? Conflicts, arguments, things she didn't like about you and what you didn't like about her, etc.

We can't help you with the A unless you tell us about you first.