Well I don't know how you can reconcile when she is not willing to put things in the past and leave them there. Her resentment is a killer. She is not willing to forgive you of any mistakes in the past, and yet she continues to be untrustworthy. She tries to make you out to be worse than she is.
I can see how she could think you ramrodded the night shift while she was gone. Yet, it's funny how you financially help run the RH and you do all the maintenance work there, plus stay for the night shift......but it is "her" business.
I think she uses the control issue as a distraction. It takes the light off her and puts it on you. Anytime a woman takes as many trips as she does.....without giving any details or information to her H......isn't what I see as being controlled by him. You called it right, she has a secret life. She is free to do whatever she wants, and that's exactly what she's done.
She is punishing you, Peter. When you told her you couldn't take the limbo any longer and she shot back about how long she waited for you? Yep, she is paying you back.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Peter, I've read all of your sitch, and I think you're doing admirable. I also think sandi is right in this one. You have put yourself out there to try and help her throughout all this time, and she throws it back at you. It sounds like you need put make sure your boundaries are firmly in place and continue focusing on you while she is spewing.
On a side note, and not intending to hijack, sandi or starsky, could one of you guys take a look at my thread? I've seen much wisdom from both of you throughout all the forums, and I'm struggling with the best way to act now that the A has been revealed.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
I was telling someone about the phone call record I saw and he said, maybe the OM called her and she was just calling back to tell him not to ever call her again and leave her alone.
Giving her the benefit of the doubt.
I could actually picture that is she's not wanting him in her life either. Sometimes left-behind affair partners could be also pursuers.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
I hear you Starsky. I know it's a naïve angle, but without intel I don't know anything.
All I know is that she's really mad at me. We spent the evening together last night. I didn't start any R talk so we mostly sat in silence - she was watching TV and doing her nails. I was reading and petting the cat. She did bring up how angry she was at me. I said I only want to have a deep loving marriage. That was it for R talk. But no hug or kiss good night - just a "sleep tight". No hug or kiss good morning. I did sleep very well though. I'm sleeping a lot better at home, even on the couch. Big relief in that sense.
I did go to my MC yesterday evening who commended me for standing up to her. MC said because W has a history of childhood sexual assaults it may take years for her to heal if ever. I think a lot of her angry and resentment are displaced from that, as well as her projecting her own anger at herself onto me. I'm just the closest available target. I won't take it personally. It's not about me, so it seems. Even if it is about me I have a Teflon suit under my spew jacket and a level 4 hazmat suit over top. Layering seems to be my fashion choice nowadays.
I suggested we go on that trip to Grenada and then see how we feel. But I didn't bring up my ongoing intolerance to my state of limbo last night. I figured I'll let her cool down a bit. Let her process the other night a bit more.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
So you tell her you're not willing to live in limbo anymore, she comes back from yet another trip that she's totally mysterious about, tells you nothing about it, treats you like cr*p, and you decide to take her on a nice trip to Grenada.
Peter, I think your words say one thing to her, but your actions have always said quite another. Reminds me of that whole "definition of insanity" thing.
I'm just trying to leave no stone unturned here. So this is what I intend to say:
W, I would like to share with you my thoughts and I ask that you just listen to what I have to say without interrupting and I'll let you know when I'm finished. First of all, I'd like to say that I know I'm a good man who loves and is dedicated to his beautiful wife. I would like nothing more than to have a strong, deeply loving and happy marriage with you and that I am totally willing to commit to a reconciliation process that will involve reconnecting with each other and rebuilding trust. We've both had our shares of stressors which are at times untenable. So I would like to suggest that we take that trip to Grenada to get away from the external stressors and spend a week with each other, enjoying the sun and the sand between our toes, having some laughs and good times. Then when we return we will be in a better place to re-evaluate our situation.
No "ultimatum", no pressure. Just an invitation to have one last go at it.
Last edited by PeterV2; 02/11/1507:25 PM.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Starsky, she did tell me all the details of her trip, described many of the girls she was with - it was basically a retreat of about a dozen women who are going through rough times in their lives and there was much yoga and mediation, early nights and healthy food. No drunken parties or chasing after men. It all seemed very genuine when she was telling me and I usually know when my W is lying to me.
She did cook me a delicious lunch today and is being kind although distant - said last night that she's still upset over what I did - hiring without consulting - do I understand her anger.
Yes, I know I'm insane. And this insanity WILL stop. I need to leave no stone unturned though. But thanks for the 2x4. I do need it.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
IDK about those comments as it seems like it comes across as pressure. Yeah, you want reconciliation...the problem is that does W want that as well along with the benefits of a M?
That is why I suggested that you read the books I recommended to gain some further clarity on your needs.
My issue here is that I've seen you do this in many different ways and W brings up a host of issues that she holds onto resentments about in your face...some are even 10 years in the past!
I mean...what you've been doing isn't working very well.
That is why I suggested that you step back and really contemplate on what you really need from W before you have the talk with W. Because once you state your needs, you're going have to really back it up and not go Wet Noodle.
Let's face it: you're one hairline away from losing your credibility with your W with those "talks".
